Because I’m hurt.
I’m hurting so bad.
“You’re such a liar. Why don’t you talk to him about it?”
“Oh yeah, that seems like a stellar conversation.” In a whiny voice, I say, “Eli, why won’t you love me?” I shake my head. “No freaking way. Not to mention, I let it slip earlier, the elephant in the room. I brought up theI love you, and you should have seen him, Blakely. It was like the first time all over again. The guy absolutely freezes. Let’s face it, commitment is not his thing.”
“So what, you’re just going to stay there, fuck up his things, and then hope that maybe someday he’ll find his way to an I love you?”
I shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know.” I pause. “Remi texted me.”
“Remi? As in Remi Gasper? The man who Eli apparently absolutely hates?”
“Yes.”
“What the hell did he want?”
“He’s in town, asked if I wanted to go to dinner.”
She pins me with a glare. “What did you say?”
I shrug. “That I was free. It’s just a dinner between friends.”
“Is thatallit is?” she asks.
“Yes, Blakely.”
“Penny, I don’t think that’s a great idea. It will only make Eli mad.”
“Heaven forbid we make Eli mad,” I say, growing irritated.
“Think about what you’re doing, Penny. Remi isn’t just some friend from the past. There’s a history between them. You’re going to end up hurting Eli.”
“He’s hurting me,” I shoot back at her, pointing at my chest. “He’s hurting me every goddamn day, Blakely. How come no one sees that? Why is no one on my side here? Why am I the only one who sees how painful it is to live with a man, day in and day out, and not be loved by him? I’m in this purgatory because of the baby, but I wouldn’t have stuck around if there was no baby. Who would, Blakely? Whowouldstay with someone who doesn’t love them? Would anyone offer their heart every single fucking day and have it stomped on? Because that’s what it’s like. For me. Every. Fucking. Day.”
“Penny, I didn’t mean—”
Tears well in my eyes. “I just want this nightmare to be over with. I want this feeling to be washed away. I want to be out of this monotony where I wake up to his warm arms every morning, to his soft kisses, knowing damn well they mean absolutely nothing. It’s unrequited love, Blakely, something you haven’t—thank God—experienced. And it’s breaking me. I don’t want to go to dinner with Remi to be vindictive or mean to Eli. That’s not what I want to do at all. But if having dinner with an old friend breaks Eli and me, breaks the vicious cycle I’ve been living in, then it might be exactly what’s needed.”
I don’t want to be an obligation anymore. Someone Eli stays with simply tolook afterandbe there for the baby.I’m not ungrateful. I know I’m so lucky compared to others who are left pregnant and alone. I’m simply hurting.
It’s like living with a daily wound so deep that a Band-Aid can never heal it, yet a Band-Aid is all I’m given.
And I don’t think I can live with this sorrow.
I swipe at my cheeks as my tears run down them.
“Okay . . . okay,” Blakely says, reaching out and taking my hand. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware that it’s been that bad for you.”
“It has been,” I say between sobs. I suck in a deep breath and try to steady my voice. “I’m not in a good headspace, and I just need something, anything to help me through this.”
“Why don’t you talk to Eli? Tell him how you really feel.”
“I did,” I say and shake my head. “He just goes still, quiet. Because I know he doesn’t feel that way about me. And for the sake of the baby, he’s probably just sticking it out.”
Blakely doesn’t say anything right away but instead grips my hand tightly.
She doesn’t have to say anything, because I think we both know the answer to all of this . . . there’s nothing I can do.
