“I think she does,” I say quietly.
From the corner of my eye, I can see him slowly nodding.
“But I’m not doing anything about it.” Besides dry-humping her one night, but we don’t have to get into that. “I know she’s off limits, man.”
He reaches into his backpack and pulls out his headphones. Before he puts them over his head, he says, “Don’t let me get in the way of anything.” He then looks at me. “But if you fucking hurt her, you’re dead to me, got it?”
And then he silences me by putting his headphones on and starts typing on his phone.
Uh, what just happened?
Did he just give me permission to explore things with Penny? That can’t possibly be right . . . can it?
I want to tap him on the shoulder and ask him what he means by that, but he’s shut down, and I know if I push him, it might not be good for me in the long run. So I lift from the seat and move to where Posey is sitting and sit next to him.
“Do I want to even ask what you two were talking about?”
I shake my head and whisper, “I think he just gave me permission to be with Penny.”
“That doesn’t seem like him.” Posey looks over his shoulder to the back of the bus. “Is he running a fever?”
“I don’t know. He caught me in the hallway with Penny.” Posey gives me a look. “We weren’t doing anything but talking. And sure, I hugged her, but that was it.” It wasn’t it. Not really. Ineededher hug like I needed my next breath. Just like it always is for me. “He asked if I liked her.”
“Do you?”
I nod slowly. “Yeah, and I think that’s what’s fucking with my head. I’ve never really felt like this before, man, toward anyone, and I don’t know how to process that.”
“That’s what’s been going on? You have feelings for a girl, and you don’t know what to do?”
“Yeah. We both agreed we don’t want to be in a relationship, but I swear to God, Posey, every day I spend with her, I feel like Icouldtry a relationship with her.” Are we not almost in one anyway? Living together, sharing meals together, talking about and doing life together. Isn’t that what a relationship is?
Posey slowly nods. “That’s the problem, though, man. She’s not the kind of girl youtrysomething out on. Either you’re all the way in, or you’re out. There’s no in-between.”
Unfortunately, I know he’s right. Penny isn’t a guinea pig for my lack of dating. She’s isn’t someone I should test the waters with. She’s the long-term girl you commit to, and I just don’t know if I’m the man who can commit.
“You’re right,” I say before letting out a heavy breath.
Fuck.
* * *
Penny:How are you feeling about tomorrow? You guys can do this. So what, you have to win three straight games in a row. That’s doable.
I stare at the text. It’s the third one she’s sent me today that I’ve left unanswered. I know she’ll start to worry, but I don’t know how to react to her. My head is telling me not to fuck this up. Keep things platonic. But my fucking soul is asking for a chance with her.
And I’ve been sitting in my hotel room since we left the arena for practice, doing nothing but festering in my own thoughts. I’m longing for interaction . . .
But I don’t want to lead her on. I don’t want to say something stupid.
Then again, if I don’t say anything, she’ll think something’s wrong.
Something is wrong, though.
All of this is wrong.
I wasn’t supposed to develop feelings for this girl. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy seeing her after a game, waiting for me. I wasn’t supposed to crave her warm body at night instead of this cold hotel bed. And I wasn’t supposed to prefer watching a show after a game with her, rather than going out to a bar.
But fuck, everything has changed.
