She holds her hand up. “Cut it with that shit. I don’t need you telling me all these dreamy romantic things when I know they mean nothing.”
“They mean something.”
“If they meant something, then nothing would block you from taking what you want.”
“You’re not the one losing out if I act on what I’m feeling,” I say, growing angry. “If I actually take what I want, if I claim you as mine and only mine, I lose a friend. A close friend, practically family. You’re never going to lose your brother.”
She takes a step forward and motions between us. “Pacey does not control this. What happens between us is just that, between us.” And then she walks over to the closet, where I hear her rummaging around. After a few seconds, I hear the sound of a zipper, and everything in me freezes. Is she leaving?
I hop out of bed, change out of my briefs, and slip into my shorts. When I head to the closet, she pops out, wearing sweats and a T-shirt and rolling a bag behind her.
“Where are you going?”
“That’s none of your concern.”
“The fuck it’s not.” I stand in front of her, blocking her from going anywhere. “You can’t just leave.”
“Actually, Eli, I’m a grown woman, and that means I can do whatever the hell I want. I have a mind of my own, unlike you.”
Walked right into that one.
I push my hand through my hair. “It’s not that easy, Penny.”
“Why not?” she yells at me. “Why is this so hard on you?”
“Because . . .”
“Because why?”
“Because I don’t want to be fucking alone,” I shout. “Because Pacey will always be your family, no matter what, but I don’t have a goddamn family. My friends, they’re all I have, and I’m not about to fuck that up.” I pause, attempting to swallow down my painful truth. “I almost lost him once. I can’t go through that again.”
She rears back, and I can see the minute she understands what I said. The anger in her shoulders dissipates, and her expression immediately turns soft. I bring her into my arms, as there’s nowhere else I want her to be right now.Ever.
“I’m sorry, Eli. So very sorry.”
I rub her back as I press my chin to her cheek. “Don’t apologize. It’s fine.”
She steps away, far too early for my liking, and takes my hand in hers, giving it a good squeeze. “I’m really sorry. Things are just crazy for me right now, and my hormonal libido is insane. I let that take over my brain.” Her cheeks stain pink as she says, “I was trying to get your attention, drive you nuts, and I shouldn’t have done that. I should have honored your promise to Pacey. I really am sorry.”
“You were driving me crazy before this, just so you know.” I place my palm on her cheek. If I wasn’t the fuckup, the man not good enough for this woman, the man her own brother didn’t want near her, I’d grab her and never let go. She’s . . . perfect. And I’m...not.“If things were different, I wouldn’t have held back for so long. I would have taken what I wanted the first night I was here. But things are different, and I want to respect that.”
“I get it,” she says sadly. “I truly do.” She looks away, but not before I see tears in her eyes.Fuck. I’ve gone and hurt her again.
“Penn—”
“Well, I’m going to clean up and then get to bed.” She sniffs back her tears, and I feel like I just shattered her in some way.She deserves so much more than I could ever give her,but I hate this.Before I can add anything, she asks, “Do you want to use the bathroom first?”
“No, go ahead.”
She gives my hand one more squeeze and then slips into the bathroom while I take a seat on the edge of the bed and filter my hands through my hair, pulling on the strands out of pure frustration.
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a person as much as I want Penny. And it’s not just the attraction I feel toward her. It’s so much more. She’s warm, funny, generous...unfailingly kind. Somehow, she crept into my life and captivated me.She’s all I think about.She fills in the broken and cracked parts of my soul . . .
If things were different, she’d be mine.
But they’re not, and I have no right in saying that either because even if she was mine, I’m pretty sure I’d fuck that up somehow.
It takes us a few minutes, but once we’re both cleaned up and ready for bed again—her wearing a pair of shorts and the same T-shirt now—we climb under the covers. I move to the middle, but she keeps to her side.Not happening.Will she allow me to hold her, though? Because I’m not sure I can sleep without her touch now. Did I fuck that up too?
