“Um, what?” I blink a few times.
“Call her. We’d like to congratulate her.” There’s a challenge in my mom’s eyes, the kind of challenge that scared me right out of my socks when I was young. And if I was wearing socks now, they most likely would have shot across the room.
“You know, it’s late,” I say as casually as possible. “I don’t want to disturb her.”
“Call. Her,” Mom says, her words so forceful that I find myself searching for my friend’s name on my phone.
“I don’t even think she’s awake, you know. Because of the baby and all. Makes her tired. She just sleeps all day, every day. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. So, don’t be surprised if she doesn’t answer. Maybe we should just—”
“Put the call on speaker.”
Ugh, my mom is being a total pill.
I put the phone on speaker and think of a way to communicate to my friend that she needs to cover for me. If she’s quick enough on her feet, she’ll be able to handle this. I know she can.
“Hello?” she answers.
“Hey, you,” I say as casually as I can. “So I just wanted—”
Mom jostles the phone out of my hand like a ninja and then walks toward the kitchen, out of grabbing distance. “Hello, Blakley dear. It’s Mrs. Lawes. How are you?”
“Oh hey there, uh, I’m good. How are you? Visiting, I’m guessing?”
“Yes, we are.” Mom looks up at me and says, “Just wanted to celebrate with our daughter.”
Oh no . . .
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what a master conversationalist looks like at her best. Tina Lawes was once the PTA president, a woman celebrated for her ability to communicate so well that local businesses feared her as she walked around, searching for donations. She is a manipulator but will do it with a smile, so you never truly realize what Tina Lawes has done to you until you’re recovering, thinking over everything, and slowly understanding that you’ve been stripped from your dignity by only her words.
And that’s precisely what she’s doing right now.
“Celebrating, oh that’s fun,” Blakely says.
Blakley, if you can hear me, you’re pregnant. You have absorbed my child, and you are now the one with indigestion, onion cravings, and the need to bury your head into a pair of testicles because that’s how horny you are.
Can you hear me?
“Yes, such exciting news about Penny, right?”
Damn it!
“Blakely, don’t—”
I start to shout, but Dad slips his hand over my mouth, halting me. Did I mention Joseph Lawes is Tina Lawes’s evil henchman? He performs the dirty work, as you can see.
“Aw, about the baby? And here she thought you guys were going to be angry.” Oh Blakely, what have you done? “I told her anyone would be happy to be grandparents.”
“Thank you, Blakely. You’ve been incredibly helpful.” And then, like the freaking mob boss that she is, she hangs up and slowly lowers the phone onto the counter.
“Care to explain?” Mom says.
“Uhh . . . sure.” I step away from my dad and slowly make my way to the living room area, near the windows. “You see, when she said baby, she was talking about the puppy I’m going to adopt. Surprise.” I raise my arms up in the air. “We call it a baby.”
“And what are these?” Mom holds up a bottle of prenatal vitamins.
You see, this is EXACTLY why people should tell you they’re comingbeforethey arrive, not just show up willy-nilly. It makes it impossible to hide all evidence of a pregnancy!
“I read that it’s healthy to take prenatals before adopting a dog. Something about the dog can feel your nerves—”
