I need to go for a walk to clear my mind. That will help. I can’t search for something I decided I didn’t need many years ago.Fuck.Things just got intense today with sharing, that’s all.
Nothing else.
I’m not falling for her.
I’m not wishing for her affection.
Nope.
* * *
“You’re late,”Taters says as he joins me on the bikes, where I’m warming up my legs.
“Had a therapy appointment today that I couldn’t miss,” I answer.
“Couldn’t miss? You say that as if you needed it.”
“I did,” I say as I push a little harder on the bike.
Taters’s voice grows with concern. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I slow down the bike and glance over my shoulder to ensure we’re the only ones in here. All the guys are already in the locker room getting ready for our last home game of the season. With a wild card berth already assured for us, we’ll take it easy tonight. “Just had to talk through some things. The other day, I told Penny about my mom and growing up. It opened some wounds that made me feel confused, and I wanted to work through that shit.”
“Confused in what way?”
Instead of pedaling, we’re both just sitting on the bikes now, talking. I push my hand through my hair and say, “Well, after we spoke, I started to have these feelings toward Penny, the type of stuff I don’t think about. I had this overwhelming urge to hold her, cuddle into her, protect her in a way I’ve never thought of before.”
“Because you like her,” Taters says, causing me to blow out a heavy sigh.
“You see, that’s the thing. I think I was just feeling that way because she’s a female figure in my life, and I want to protect her.”
“Is that what your therapist said?” Taters asks.
“It’s what we concluded.”
“Uh-huh, and did you tell him that you can’t stop thinking about her sexually?”
“Dude, I don’t think about her like that.”
“Bullshit, you said you couldn’t get her out of your head, and that’s why you haven’t hooked up with anyone else.”
“Well, yeah. I mean”—I lean in and whisper—“she was the best sex I’ve ever had. It’s going to take a second to recover from that.”
“Did you tell your therapist that?”
“No, he doesn’t need to know that.”
“Uh, yeah, he does. You’re giving him half the story, man. He’s going to think that you’re having some mom complex when the reality is, Penny Lawes is rocking your goddamn world, and you have no clue how to deal with it.”
“I don’t like her like that.”
“Bull . . . shit,” he says. “You can deny that all you want, but the fact is, you slept with her because you thought she was hot. Now you’re getting to know her on a deeper level, you’re starting to realize how amazing she is, and you don’t know how to handle that.”
“That’s so not fucking true,” I say. “And even if it were true, Lawes looked me in the goddamn eyes and told me not to go there with her. That I wasn’t the guy she needed. Do you really think I’m going to go against what Lawes has said after everything that happened? Fuck no.”
“Funny thing is, Lawes might be her brother, but he doesn’t get to dictate your life. If you like her, go for it.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think I can provide her with what she needs. I’m not in the right mindset to even think about a relationship. I’m not sure how to even have one. I’m sure as hell not going to try to figure it out while navigating this pregnancy. It’s a bad fucking idea.”
