“No, because then that will only irritate me more.”
“Glad you’re honest.” He lifts his glass of water. “Tell me another thing I might not know about you.”
I give it some thought, and tell him the first thing that comes to mind. “I had a pregnancy scare in college. And I know how that makes me look—”
“It doesn’t make you look like anything. There’s such a shit double standard in this world. If a guy has sex, then he’s the man, but if a girl has sex, she’s looked down upon. That needs to change. Don’t apologize for being a human with normal sexual needs.”
His comment doesn’t surprise me. Eli seems to be the kind of guy who roots for everyone. An open and honest man with good morals. But the seriousness, the irritation in his voice, nowthatsurprises me. It almost sounds like he’s fed up and can’t take the negative talk anymore.
“Well, thank you for saying that. I appreciate it. So, pregnancy scare. I was dating a guy, Jamie. He was pre-med and very focused but also very sweet. He made time for me in his busy schedule, which I know was hard for him. We dated for a little over a year when I thought I missed my period. I was freaked out, of course, because we were juniors in college and having a baby at that time isn’t ideal. When I told him, he immediately, without even blinking, told me to get an abortion. Demanded it. I didn’t even know if I was pregnant yet. I was just hoping for him to hold my hand and take me to the store to get a test. But he wouldn’t even look at me. He got up and left. I never took a test because I was so nervous it would be true, and then three days after, I got my period. When I told him, he tried to pull me into a hug, but I ended things with him. During a scary time of my life, he abandoned me. I couldn’t forgive him for that.”
“Wow.” Eli drags his hand over his mouth. “What a fucking tool.” And then his eyes grow soft when he says, “I’m sorry that happened to you. No woman deserves such inconsiderate treatment, especially during such a sensitive and unknowing time. Where’s the loser now?”
“I think he’s a family practitioner in Pennsylvania somewhere. Last I saw, he was still single.”
“Shocking,” Eli says sarcastically.
“Well, I’m still single. What does that say about me?”
“You’re not single. You have me, babe.” He winks, and my heart performs a rather messy somersault.
“We’re not a thing, Eli.”
“No, but you still have me, and that’s all that matters.”
Just then, our soup, salad, and bread are brought out. Eli thanks the server with a very welcoming grin and then picks up his spoon to smash through the crouton top of the soup.
“Are you going to share something with me?” I ask.
He lifts a spoonful of his soup, blows on it, and then takes a mouthful. When he dips his spoon back in his bowl, he says, “When my mom passed away, I was sent to live with her cousin, Marge. She had three children as well, all girls. Because they didn’t trust me, a twelve-year-old boy who just lost his mom, they made a room for me in their barn. It was insulated, so I wasn’t freezing during the winter, but it was lonely. Mom had got me started in hockey when I was about nine, and even though she didn’t make a lot in her job, somehow, she made sure I got to play hockey. Have new skates, equipment. All that stuff. I thought I was going to lose hockey like I lost my mom. It was shit. But I earned money for ice time through chores. I got up early to feed the animals, help with the cows, and after practice and school, I helped Tobias with anything he needed. I learned a lot, but I wasn’t loved. There was no affection shown toward me, and there were many nights when I just went to my barn to watch hockey. Study it, live it.”
Tears are streaming down my cheeks when he glances up at me.
“Shit,” he says as he moves his chair around the table. He picks up my hand and strokes my knuckles with his thumb. “I didn’t tell you that to make you cry. I just wanted you to know that I know what it feels like to feel abandoned.”
“But that’s so awful. You were so alone for six years. How is that fair to you?”
“It wasn’t, but it was the hand I was dealt. I had hockey, and the hard work around the farm grew me into the man I am today. They weren’t abusive—”
“Making you live in a barn by yourself because they were afraid you’d be a sexual predator is abusive, Eli.”
“I guess in a certain way, it is. But they never hurt me. I spent Christmas with them. They bought me simple presents, but they were more of a fostering family than anything. I barely knew them, and they were put in a situation they didn’t ask for.”
“But you step up when put in that kind of situation.” My mind keeps thinking about a twelve-year-old version of Eli with bright blue-green eyes, just looking for anybody to love him, and it splits me in two. Before I know what I’m doing, I throw my arms around him and bury my face into his chest, clinging tight. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I pay a therapist a lot of money to help me sort through all the bullshit in my head. But I appreciate your compassion.”
I still hold him tight, not sure I’ll be able to let go right away.
He rubs my back softly as he says, “Penny, it’s really okay. I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?” My voice is wobbly, and snot drips from my nose.
“Yes.” He chuckles. “I’m sure.”
When I pull away, I reach for my napkin, and I quickly blot at my nose. Eli’s hand remains on my back, ever the protector. “How about after this, we go get some ice cream?”
I nod. “I’d like that.”
