We won’t get our forever.
This man has shown me what being with a good man can truly feel like, this man has doted on me, spoiled me, made me laugh, made me . . . come. God, he’s not real, he’s not forever, he’s temporary, and that right there is what’s breaking me.
“But you have a choice,” he whispers, stepping forward. “You can come with me.” His voice is so soft, shaky with his request as if he’s nervous to ask.
“Go with you?” We’ve been dating a few weeks and he wants me to fly across the country to be with him? Is he insane? I shake my head. “I don’t have a choice either, Hayden. My life is here. My job is here. My friends are here. My family. I can’t just pick everything up, move across the country.”
“If you wanted to, you could.”
“What does that mean?”
He shakes his head. “Never mind.” His hands go to his waist, and he stares at the floor.
“No, what did you mean by that?”
He grips the back of his neck. “I don’t know, Adalyn. Maybe I’m a little fucking sensitive right now, but . . .” He pauses and I can see the wheels in his mind spinning. “Fuck, what about Logan?”
“What? What about him?”
“I don’t know, just seemed like you two were fucking comfy at the hospital.”
Is he serious?
Is he really questioning my friendship with Logan, questioning it against the way I feel when I’m with him? Is there really any kind of competition? Does he not remember our conversations about Logan? How he hurt me, how he’s just a friend, and willalwaysbe a friend? Is he really so blinded right now he can’t see how much I wish I could stay in his arms forever?
“You can’t be serious right now, Hayden. I know you’re upset, I get that, I’m broken over this too. But I can’t pick up everything in my life and move across the country. Who’s to say I would be able to find a job?”
“You wouldn’t have to work. I would take care of you.”
“Hayden, I went through four years of schooling hell to become a nurse, so I’m not about to give that up.”
“Then that’s it?” He nods, even angrier, a sarcastic laugh escaping him. “You’re giving up? Just like that. Treating me like every other man you’ve ever fucked. Taking what you want and not bothering to give it a chance.”
I suck in a harsh breath. My heart splinters in half, his words so destructive to my already fragile being. Never in a million years would I have expected Hayden to use my past against me, to throw it in my face so easily as if it’s a thought he’s held in his head since we’ve been together.
And yet, he did.
Tears well up in my eyes, my hand finds the handle to the door and I open it, needing to escape, needing to find fresh air.
And I see it, the minute he regrets the words that fell out of his mouth. Anguish hits him hard, but it’s too late. His words are hanging in the air, adding to the pain already resting heavily on my chest.
“Adalyn . . .”
“No.” I shake my head. “I can’t.” I look to the open the door, casting my head down, not able to make eye contact. “Let’s call it like it is.” Using his words against him, the ones he so clearly regrets now, I say, “Let’s say I took what I wanted with no intention to give us a chance. Let’s call it a fling and move on.”
“A fling?” The word rolls off his tongue with utter disgust. Isn’t that whathemeant? Isn’t that a nicer way of rearranging what he said? “Is that what this has been to you? A fling?”
No.
Not even a little.
This has been so much more than a fling. This relationship has changed me. Hayden has opened my eyes to my worth. He has shown me I deserve so much more than a one-night stand; I deserve someone who will respect me, challenge me, and make me feel beautiful inside and out.
But my truth doesn’t matter right now. Because setting aside how he broke my heart with his meanness—even though I know he didn’t mean what he said—what would happen if I told him this was so much more to me than a fling? What would be the point? He’d want to try to make it work. He’d move to Los Angeles, I’d stay in Binghamton, and we’d FaceTime every night. He’d never be able to visit me with all the training he’ll have to start soon with the new team. I won’t be able to visit, because my schedule is far too demanding. We’ll get in fights because we never see each other and then the inevitable will happen: We’ll break up.
So why go through the pain? Why hang on to something that is broken already? There’s no point. It’s better to end things now than to give each other hope.
Summing up all the courage I have, I tell one of the biggest lies of my life.
