When we reach my apartment, Hayden parks the car and looks out the window, his hand gripping his chin, contemplating something. Unsure of what to say, I reach for the door handle when Hayden grips my arm.
Still staring out the window, he sighs and takes a second before he brings his focus to me.
Deflated and dejected, he removes his hand from me and says, “Before you go up to your apartment, I need you to know something.” His throat tight, he clears it and continues, his voice strained. “The day I met you at Racer’s, I knew the universe I was living in was altered by your presence. I knew at that moment I would never be the same. My instinct never fails me. I was right. Over a little Northeast summer, I grew to know this incredibly funny, authentic, and beautiful woman. I learned about your family, your younger years, your fears, and your loves. With each story you told, each passing glance you gave me, every part of your body you let me own, I fell deeper and deeper in love with you.” My breath catches in my throat. “And then you told me you were pregnant. Yeah, I was shocked at first, but after the shock wore off, it was solidified. The woman I met over a stack of unpaid bills was the woman I would never be able to let go.” Shaking his head, his shoulders slump as he looks past me, up at the apartment. “And yet, here I am, having no choice but to let you go.”
Passing his hand over his mouth, he brings my hand to his lips and presses a gentles kiss across my knuckles.
“I love you, Adalyn. You are my dream girl, the mother of my child, and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I can’t compete with another man if you love him. I won’t. I don’t want to ask you to choose. But I need to know if . . . I need to know if you’ll love me. If not, I’ll back off. Still be there for you and the baby, but I won’t . . . I won’t fight.”
His words rip through me, tears falling from my eyes.
“Tomorrow is my home game you have tickets for. After the game, the families of players greet us when we come off the ice after the game in the players’ hallway. I’ve put your name on the list. If you come tomorrow, if I see you waiting in that hallway, I’ll know you’re mine forever. But don’t show up if you have any question about wanting to be with me, because the next time we’re together, I want you wholeheartedly. I want all of you. Do you understand?”
I nod, tears streaking down my cheeks.
“This is it, baby.” He wipes a tear from my eye. “No more fucking around. You’re either with me or you’re not. And if you’re not, I will be civil when it comes to our baby, but don’t expect me to be nice to him.”
Pulling away, he stares out the window, ending our conversation.
Such all-consuming sadness blankets me as I squeak out his name, “Hayden.”
He shakes his head. “You either show up tomorrow, or you don’t. That’s it, Adalyn.”
With that, he unlocks the door, the click of the locks echoing in the car, sending a clear-cut sign to me there is no negotiating. I either want him or I don’t.
And what’s scary is I’malmostpositive I want him, but the words fail to leave my lips.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
ADALYN
Sleep has eluded me.
How could I possibly sleep when Hayden’s sorrowful eyes are burned in my memory?
What have I done?
This is such a mess, and I’m the one to blame.
Logan came into my room this morning with a muffin and some tea, but I asked him to leave it on my nightstand. When he asked if everything was okay, I told him I was really tired from getting in so late.
And when he came in at lunchtime to see if I was okay, I told him.
I told him I didn’t love him the way he loves me. The words fell out of my mouth before I could even think about how they might hurt him.
But the decision almost seemed too simple after Hayden dropped me off. Logan, although sweet and caring, and a beautiful human I always want in my life, he’s not the man I’m grieving. I’ve had my time to grieve Logan, and he’s a chapter in my life that’s closed.
But leaving Hayden’s car last night, due to my feelings of total despair, I could barely walk up the stairs to my apartment without breaking down.
And right there was evidence enough that the man I needed by my side was the man I destroyed with my silence.
I hate myself.
After Logan left my room, I cried. Not for the loss of Logan, but for the loss of Hayden, the dent I put in our relationship. No, not dent, but the chasm created by a dagger straight to his heart. And what’s worse is I’ve now done that twice. I’ve. Done. That. Twice. And he’s not a man who deserves to be treated like that once, let alone twice.
Many times I thought about calling him last night but once again, I was apprehensive. Deep down, I know he’s the one, but when it comes to pulling the trigger, I’m gun-shy.
Now it’s an hour before his game; I stand in front of my mirror, questioning my decision to go to the game. If I don’t go, Hayden will assume it’s over forever, but if I do go, I’m giving myself over to him—my heart, my broken and battered heart.
