“You don’t need to say anything else. I get it.”
Leaning across the table, I place my hand on Noely’s. “Please let me talk.”
Her features soften as she gently nods her head. So goddamn understanding. “I’m sorry, go ahead.”
“I met this girl, and she was different. A little outlandish, spoke what was on her mind, and she kind of captured me. She was different than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“She sounds lovely,” she grits out. Ehh, maybe I shouldn’t talk about how great of a girl Adalyn is in front of Noely. She doesn’t seem to care too much for it. I don’t blame her.
“She was. We spent almost every waking hour with each other when she wasn’t working or I wasn’t training. And then I was traded.” I shake my head. “She walked away easily, a reaction I wasn’t prepared for. I was kind of hoping, after our time together, maybe she’d consider moving to LA.”
“But she didn’t . . .” Noely finishes for me, a sense of sadness falling between us.
“She didn’t. I told myself it was okay, what we had was just a fling, as she so delicately said. But I know deep down, the feelings I had for her were going to take a long time to shed.”
“Is that why you joined the Going in Blind program? To get over her?”
“That and to meet new people, to maybe find someone to take my mind off her.” I sigh. “And then I met you. It’s going to sound lame, but I didn’t think going out with someone else was going to be so much fun. I really enjoy your company, Noely.”
She winces and I realize my mistake. No girl wants to hear their company is enjoyed, not when they want to be romantically involved with you. But fuck, I can’t lie to her, and I don’t want her doubting herself. It’s so fucking true when I say it’s me, not her. Maybe if I was in a different place, a healthier mental state, I would be more apt to asking her out again and giving this a real shot.
But I’m not there.
“I really enjoy your company too, Hayden.” The words sound like she’s trying to speak them past razor blades in her throat. It’s strained. “But . . .”
A heavy breath escapes me. “Fuck, I don’t know, Noely. I want to move on, I want to start something up with you, because you make me happy. You make me laugh, and we have so much in common, plus you’re fucking hot. I couldn’t have asked for a better match when it comes to the Going in Blind program. But I don’t know, there is something stopping me. Rather, someone, I should say.”
Her face falls flat. “I get it, Hayden. I really do. I like you a lot, but I’m not going to come in second to someone who’s still on your mind, you know? It’s not fair to me.”
“I know. It isn’t at all. Shit, I feel like a total dick.” I run my fingers through my hair, hating myself, hating Adalyn . . . No, I can’t fucking hate her, no matter how hard I try. “This isn’t how I wanted this to go. I thought I could push through, but I think I need some closure.” Fuck, I so need closure.
“Closure is helpful.” Noely twists the stem of her martini glass with her delicate fingers.
“Yeah, I guess. I need to make a phone call.”
“Sounds like it. For what it’s worth, I really appreciate you being honest, because being strung along when your heart and mind are somewhere else is not something I like to participate in.”
“I thought I owed you that much.” Taking a second, I lock eyes with her and say, “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“If I can . . . you know, find closure, do you think it’s possible you’d be open to trying this again?”
“You mean try dating again?”
Try this again . . .
It’s something I say out of pure desperation to not make her feel so fucking awful, but do I really mean it? If I’m honest, not really, and what kind of a dick does that make me?
A massive one.
But fuck, I was her third date in this program.Thirddate. I know this is going to be a blow to her self-confidence, and I don’t want that to happen. She’s such an amazing woman, and I don’t wantmyinability to get over Adalyn to be a setback for her. She’s looking for love, and she deserves it.
“I’m not sure, Hayden . . .”
At least she’s smart enough to read the hollowness in my question. It’s why she’s going to succeed, why she’s going to find someone to love. While I lose again.
* * *
