"They asked for parent helpers. I wish Mummy could come," she wistfully expressed.
Zara had Sienna with her during the day, so she was unable to attend school trips. But that didn't stop Kehlani from asking every time she had a school excursion whether her mother could join her. Suddenly, an idea flashed in my head. Zara couldn't go, but maybe...
"Honey, can you sit here, please? I just need to chat with Miss Fraiser quickly."
I ducked back into her class and informed Kehlani's teacher that I could help supervise the trip. The letter said it was first-come, first-served, so I wanted to make sure I didn't miss out. It wasn't a huge gesture, but I hoped it was enough to let Zara know that I saw her. That I was willing to change.
When we got home, Zara was busy cutting up vegetables for dinner. She quickly abandoned her task and gathered Kehlani up for a tight hug. She then took out Kehlani's lunchbox, emptying out the wrappers and the half-eaten sandwich and apple. She washed out her lunchbox and water bottle before instructing Kehlani to put her bag back in her room.
I stared at Zara's back as she turned to continue chopping. She had done that all so quickly and effortlessly that I felt ashamed at all the times I'd arrived home from collecting Kehlani and simply dumped her bag on the floor.
"Do you need help with anything?"
"No."
I hesitated as I continued to stare at her rigid figure. "Okay. Well, I'll leave you to it."
I went around the house, desperately trying to find something to take a little bit off her workload, but unfortunately, the house looked immaculate. I ended up roaming from room to room, picking random things off the floor and rearranging pillows. When I came back into the kitchen, the girls were at the table eating fruit and toast, and I kicked myself for being so slow. Iwasn't usually home this early, so it didn't even occur to me to make an afternoon snack for the kids.
For the rest of the week, I tried to make myself as useful and available to my wife as possible. I couldn't leave work early every day, but I tried my damndest to make life a little easier for my wife.
The thought of her making plans to leave me had me breaking out in a cold sweat. I'd lie awake at night just staring at her as she slept, wondering if she had an exit plan already mapped out. Wondering whether she'd spoken to Bronwyn since and gathered more advice from her. I'd played her words over and over in my head that I could barely eat or sleep. Sometimes I avoided being alone with her in case she wanted to sit me down to talk about a separation.
But the worst thing was...if I hadn't overheard her with Bronwyn, I wouldn't have noticed any difference. I would have apologised for Valentine's Day, of course. I would have come home on time for about a week before my shitty behaviour faded from my mind, and I was back to being the selfish ass she thought I was. It shamed me to admit that.
Zara clocked my shit, and I knew she was done. By now, things would have synced back to normal for me, but I could sense a coldness within my wife that clung to the edges of our marriage. Her smile was different. It was strained and fake, and it dropped quickly after she was done talking to me. She no longer initiated a kiss goodnight and appeared to tolerate mine.
I wasn't certain, but the times I rubbed up against her only to be greeted by soft snores—I had a sneaky suspicion that she was very much wide awake. I was flailing and panicking. I needed to step up my game.
***
"Why are you still here?"
Zara frowned at me as I finished brushing my teeth. It was eight a.m., and I was usually at work by now.
I splashed my face before patting away the stray droplets. "Kehlani has her school trip today."
She folded her arms as she leaned against the door jamb. "I know."
I dried my hands and placed my toothbrush back into its holder. My eyes shifted to Zara, hoping she noticed that I was no longer leaving it on the sink for her to place back.
"I volunteered to be a parent helper."
Her face slackened, and her jaw dropped. "You what?"
"When I picked Kehlani up from school, the day the notices went home. I signed up."
Her face fell, and her jaw pulsed. Instead of answering me, she turned and walked away.
I followed her out of the bathroom to the kitchen, watching silently as she slid Kehlani's lunchbox into her bag. I had clearly done something wrong. Was there an unspoken school outing rule I had broken?
"What is it?" I finally asked.
She shook her head as she zipped up the school bag. "Nothing. I just wish you'd told me that you could stay home. I really would've liked to go."
Shit. "Ah, shit. I'm sorry. Why didn't you say?"
She shrugged. "I ask you every time Kehlani has a school trip whether you can stay home with Sienna so I can go. You always tell me that you don't know that far in advance."
