“It only matters what I want.”
She pointed her finger. “There. Right there. That’s it. What you want. Think about it. It’s been like that for a long time.”
“Oh God. Nothing I say is going to get through to you, is it? Are you even going to let me talk?”
“No one has put tape over your mouth.”
“That’s right. I thought you would have accused me of being creepy if you knew I came here hoping to see you again. That it would have pushed you away if I told you.”
“And I said it wouldn’t. But since it never came up, you don’t know that.”
“Everything I’ve done has been in fear of you finding fault with me.”
“That’s on you, Arik. You think I’m in my head a lot and it’s nothing compared to what you have going on in your brain.”
Not the first time he’d been told that.
“I’m sorry, Natalie.” His eyes stung. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you. Ever. Every move I make or think to do is causing you pain. I didn’t lie to you. I might not have said the complete truth, but I told you why. That doesn’t change how I feel about you. That I love you and want you and our child in my life. I want to give you something great. I want you to do the same to me.”
She stopped pacing and stared at him. The last thing he wanted to do was cry, but he didn’t know how much more he could hold it back.
“That is what you should say to me, Arik. Be yourself. Be real. Tell me what is going on. Don’t put a mask over your fear.”
“Seriously?” he asked. He blinked, holding back the tears. Her words were enough to dry them instantly. “You’re the one who hides behind a calm, cool exterior. The perfect response to every situation. The one who can quiet a crowd without feeling emotions while you do it.”
Tears fell from her eyes.
There he was, hurting her again.
“You’re the only one that sees through that,” she said.
“You tell yourself that all the time. But the one who lets you be you? Be honest, you’re afraid to be yourself around me, aren’t you? You’ve said it before. You can’t lie.”
“I wouldn’t lie because I don’t. Yes. I’m always fearful of being myself, but you never made me feel that way.”
“I’m glad. I truly am. But me, I doubted myself more than I let on. You think I’m a slob. You think I can’t stick.”
“Nooooo.Youthink you can’t stick. Not me.”
“I’m going to call bullshit right now. Most of our fights in the past month or longer were because you didn’t think I’d stay. You thought if you opened yourself up to me, I’d leave and you’d be heartbroken. Coming here to see if the spark still existed didn’t mean you’d fall in love with me. I can’t control that. Only you can. Tell yourself all you want I played you, but you were willing. More than willing.”
Her hands covered her face, the sobs more than he could handle.
He had her in his arms and was holding her tight.
Her pain was his pain.
Why did they do this to each other?
“Why am I so mad that you’re right?” she asked.
“I don’t know. We’re both right and we’re both wrong. This has to stop. I didn’t lie to you. I don’t want to hurt you. I made a mistake. If I could go back in time, I’d do it differently, but I can’t. Neither of us can. Do we have to keep beating ourselves up like this?”
“No,” she said. “I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to fight. I just want it all out. Is there anything else?”
“Nothing. I swear. I love you. I know we are going to hurt each other.”
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like doing it. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t even like to fight.”
