I had gone to my ultrasound and seen my baby's heart bop up and down on the screen. For the first time during my pregnancy, I shed tears of joy. I wished I could have shared that moment with Alex. I opted not to find out the sex; I still felt that was something I wanted to discuss with him. The baby was healthy and right on target to arrive around Valentine's Day. I was really curious to know if I was having a miniature Alex or a little girl. It didn't matter to me either way, but when I did imagine a small, sticky face smiling up at me, I always saw Alex's vibrant green eyes.
I spent most of my time working and sleeping. I was exhausted after spending an eight-hour shift on my feet. Some nights, they were so swollen I had to sit with them propped up for hours at a time. Max was my new BFF. He stopped going on fishing trips and hanging out with his friends so I wouldn't have to be alone. I told him that wasn't necessary, but he insisted. And I found I really liked his company.
Who would have guessed?
We told a few of his close friends about the baby, and they offered to help us in any way they could. Anna Stevens, an old family friend whose husband had recently passed, dropped by one or two evenings a week to hang out. Max thought I needed a woman around, in case I had questions. It ended up being a good idea, since she had three of her own kids and answered some questions I had about the actual delivery.
Some of those questions, I wish I hadn't asked.
We did call Liz to let her know she was going to be a grandmother. She didn't really have an opinion one way or the other, but that was expected. She hadn't been there for me in years. She didn't bother coming for graduation, so I didn't really expect her to be there for me at this time in my life. She was more interested in the fact that I managed to let a Jordan get me pregnant. She said something about me hitting the jackpot, and she remembered how attractive Jack was. I couldn't listen anymore, so I handed the phone to Max, and they proceeded to get into an argument over Max's parenting skills. She accused him of not paying attention and that was how I ended up pregnant. He hung up on her. I cried a few hours that night, but I took comfort in the knowledge that I would never abandon my child. Moms weren't supposed to leave, and I wouldn't be following Liz's example.
I went upstairs and crawled into bed with my barely functioning laptop and waited for it to load up. I was hoping I could save for a new one, but that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. I needed a crib and a bunch of other necessities for when I brought the baby home.
After about ten minutes, I was finally able to log onto e-mail, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw a message from Alex. He hadn't called in over two weeks, and I didn't think he had texted me in a week. I was surprised he would use e-mail as a mode of communication. I clicked on the message, noticing it'd been sent last night.
Beautiful Jocelyn,
I smiled at the salutation, but I was almost afraid to continue on. I had a ball of nerves forming in the pit of my stomach, and I felt like I might throw up dinner.God,Jocelyn, just get it over with. I steeled my nerves and continued to read.
I've given up on calling you. I feel like a stalker with the number of voicemails I left foryou. And you won't answer my texts anymore either, so I decided to e-mail you instead.
I don't know how to go about this because, to be honest, I've never been in this positionbefore. I'm usually on the other end of the stalking. But things have always been different withyou, haven't they? I knew from the second I saw you in the kitchen you weren't what I was usedto. I tried to tell myself that you weren't anything special, just another girl, but I knew thatwasn't true as soon as I saw that blush cross your cheeks. I was done in less than thirty secondsfrom meeting you. And I'm just sorry I had to leave before we got the chance to see where wewere headed. I didn't expect you to wait for me, but I never thought you'd just cut me off. Iwasn't prepared for that. Maybe I could have done things differently, told you important thingsor showed you better. I don't know? But, none of that matters now.
In any case, I hope you're enjoying your first couple of months of school. I know it can bean overwhelming time, with so many exciting things to do and all the new people you'reprobably meeting. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and there are no hardfeelings. Our relationship was so new and me having to leave just as we were fully getting toknow one another was difficult for us both.
Please take care of yourself and call Evan once in a while. He feels like he's in the middleof whatever this is between us. I'm still coming back in November. You know how to find me.
Alex
I sprang up from the bed and ran to the bathroom. Just as I’d expected, dinner was gone from my system within seconds. I was shaking uncontrollably as I went back into my room and crawled under the covers. He was letting me off the hook. He thought I had moved on and didn't know how to tell him.Why does he have to be such agentleman?He didn’t deserve what I was doing to him.
Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth?Would that be better? I’d already broken his heart, so how could I call him and tell him I hadn't moved on? I wanted to tell him I loved him with everything I had, and I was waiting for him, but would that be fair? We'd been together for only a few months, and while I knew he cared about me, I also knew he wasn't one for settling down. He was a wild child, but for some crazy reason, he was intrigued by plain old me. That never made sense, and I wasn't going to let his brief infatuation with me turn into a life sentence for him. He needed time to figure out if I was who he truly wanted, and since he had never told me he loved me, I couldn't be sure. The pregnancy was a huge shock for me, and I'd been dealing with it for a few months. I still had so many questions and concerns. I couldn't imagine how Alex would feel about a baby. Of course, I didn’t really give him a chance to feel anything.God, what a hot mess I've made!
There was the very real possibility that Alex could move on. He was beyond the perfect catch, and he was hanging with all those college girls. It wasn't stupid to think he could find someone else and just decide to stay in Connecticut. Then I'd really be screwed.
One month and then you can tell him, Jocelyn. You've made it this far.
I could wait. He could complete this internship without worrying about me, and then, as soon as he came home, I would tell him. I made the decision to wait for a reason, and I had to stick to it. Right or wrong, it was my choice.
Chapter Fifteen
It was only a few days after Halloween, and already the mall was decorated for Christmas. I hadn't been out much in the last few months. I tried to keep a low profile, just going to work and sometimes to the library, but for the most part, I tried to stay out of teen hangouts. Today's trip to the mall was a necessity. I needed new bras; my new boobs didn't fit in my old ones. I couldn't order them on the Internet. I had no idea what size I'd wear, and I needed to try them on.
I wanted to get in and out, but my constant need to pee slowed me down. I hit the bathroom one last time before heading home for a much-needed nap, but that stopped proved to be a huge mistake. As I exited the bathroom and headed for the escalator, I heard Evan calling me. I froze, afraid to turn around, but I had no choice. I had to face him.
"Jocelyn! Wait up."
I stood still for a moment, and then slowly turned and looked at him. He was just as stunning as he’d always been—his hair purposely disheveled, his clothes neatly pressed and ever so stylish, and then there was his smile. That smile always made me feel better. For just one second when our eyes met, I completely forgot I was supposed to be hiding from him.
"Jocelyn, where have you—?" He abruptly stopped, his gaze falling on my stomach.
"Hey."Totally lame response!
Jocelyn?" I saw the confusion on his face.
"Evan." I smiled. What else was I supposed to do?
"Oh my God." He gasped. "This is why you stopped calling me."
