I closed my eyes and tried to think of happier moments. My childhood was okay, and Max did the best he could, but I felt like I missed out on so many different things. I wanted more for my baby. I wanted him or her to have two parents and live in a nice house and eventually have siblings. My mind never shut down, especially when it came to the future. I wanted to have a life with Alex, but how could I expect him to want the same things I did? It wasn't fair to assume he would want to be with me and raise a baby. Our relationship was good before he left; we were learning about one another, growing as a couple, and having fun. We had so much to look forward to, but now it was all so different, and Alex had no idea his life was about to change. Both of our lives were in for a makeover.
* * * * *
A massive migraine woke me up at 3:00 a.m. I threw up twice, tossed and turned, and finally fell back to sleep sometime around sunrise. It was almost noon by the time my head finally settled down. My mouth was dry, my eyes burned, and my boobs were sore. Pregnancy did not agree with me. And to think, people did this more than once.
I decided I’d stay in my pajamas all day. I needed some time to think. Max was working a twelve-hour shift, so I wouldn't have to worry about him interrogating me over my disheveled appearance. After I had my usual morning cry, I got out of bed and hit the shower. It helped me to relax a little, but when I stepped out, I still had the same problems waiting for me. When I dried off, I noticed that my stomach was developing a tiny bump; it wouldn't be noticeable to most people, but I was aware of it. This made me cry all over again. I was an emotional mess.
I went back to my room and put on a pair of pajama bottoms and Alex's Yale shirt. I felt closer to him when I wore it, and I liked the idea of something of his being so close to our baby. I ran my hands over my stomach and smiled.
In the beginning, I was so stunned I was pregnant I didn't have time to process that I was actually having a baby. I had to get used to the idea of being pregnant first.
And lately, I’d been stressing over telling Max. It had to be done, and my life would be filled with a lot less stress once he knew, but unfortunately, his life would be screwed up.
Then there was Alex. He’d been gone since July, and in the beginning, we spoke almost every night. Our phone time had dwindled, and it was my fault. He’d made an honest attempt, constantly calling me and texting me, but as the weeks went by, I distanced myself from him. I felt bad about the space I put between us, but the less I talked to him, the less likely I was to blurt out I was pregnant. He was doing so well with this internship, and if he knew about the baby, he'd be on the first plane home from Connecticut. I wanted him here with me more than anything, but the timing was off. There wasn't anything he could do, and if he didn't want to be involved, I wouldn't force him. The problem was, I wanted him to be involved, and I wanted him to want this baby.
I grabbed my phone, deciding I'd call him. I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. If I was being selfish, I didn’t care. I needed something for me today.
"Jocelyn." He answered on the first ring.
"Hey," I said. "How are you?"
"I'm good, just really busy."
"Am I bothering you?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "I'm just surprised to hear from you. I usually call you."
"I've been busy with work," I said. "But, I'm off today, and I was thinking about you. I'm wearing your shirt."
"Hmm," he said. "If I wasn't in a crowded hallway, I'd ask you what else you had on."
"I'm not in a sexy mood."
"That makes me happy with me being so far away and all."
"So, you're doing well?" I asked.
"Yeah, just have a lot going on."
"I won't keep you," I said. "I wanted to hear your voice."
"I'm glad you called," he said. "I was thinking you'd given up."
"On us?"
He didn't say anything.
"Alex?"
"I know I said I didn't expect you to wait," he said. "And I know it's such an exciting time in your life with school, and you'll be making new friends, but . . . ."
"Alex." I interrupted him. "I haven't given up. I've just been going through some stuff."
"What stuff, Joce?"
Damn it! Now he'd want to be my psychiatrist."It's not important. I just miss you."
"Jocelyn," he said. "I can fly home this weekend, if you want. We could spend two days together."
