He was leaving me. I’d messed up again.
“N-no,” I said, forcing myself through the crowd to chase after him.
Losing him would be too painful for even the strongest medication. Of all my failures, hurting him would be the worst of them.
Chapter thirty-one
Bleeding Heart
Istaggered through the swarm of bodies and managed to catch up to my boyfriend by a row of planters and a mostly empty waiting room. “Angel, wait. Let me explain.”
“No, I get it. People love spending time with me in bars or in bed. But an actual relationship?” He shook his head, his eyes glassy despite his wry smile. “You must’ve been really desperate to ask me to move in. Or maybe you thought it was just so pathetic my mom chose her boyfriend over me yet again, so you’d rescue me from my own embarrassment. But then you realized you’d actually have tolivewith me, so naturally, you’re looking for a way to backtrack or limit your exposure to all of this.” He gestured to himself.
“I want to be with you,” I insisted, devastated he could think otherwise. “But I also want what’s best for you. Right now, I’m not sure that’s me.”
Tears lined the bottom of his eyes. “You want to break up?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then why would you say that?”
“Because I’m a mess—and maybe if I wasn’t trying to take every second of your attention, you could’ve done better on your test.”
He rolled his eyes. “Come on, Tori. If we’re gonna blame anyone, it should be my mom and her boyfriend.”
“They were partially upset because I was there.”
“They don’t love it when I’m there, either,” he said.
I wiped my aching eyes. “Ugh, that’s so sad.”
His throat bobbed. “I’ve had bad nights before our relationship. I’ve messed up on tests. But I can recover from all that. I will, and I have. But I don’t know how to deal with losing you.”
“You haven’t,” I swore.
“It feels like I have. You’re trying to pull away right after you asked me to move in. That seems like someone who’s not ready for a commitment.”
I lightly touched his shoulder, and he flinched.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just lost my job. My sister’s in labor. Of course I panicked. Mostly about finances. That doesn’t mean I want to end our relationship.”
He caressed the underside of my arm. “Life’s gonna have stress. Can I count on you to fight for us? For yourself, even?”
A fever burned through my veins. “Yes. But you have to remember that this is my first relationship too. I’m going to make mistakes and overthink things. I mean, I told you I loved you, and you haven’t said it back yet. That’s enough to make anyone anxious.”
His breath caught, and he glanced at a passersby as if frustrated they were intruding on our moment.
Oh, I didn’t want to publicly pressure him into a love confession.
I glanced away and tucked my hair behind my ear, angling my arm to cover the most vulnerable part of my chest. “And maybe you really like me but you aren’t there yet, and that’s okay. But with everything else going on, of course I’m gonna wonder if I’m moving too fast in other aspects of our relationship.”
“We are moving fast,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Because it feels right with you, pidge, in a way nothing else ever has.”
Tears slipped down my face.
When he said stuff like that, it made me want to fight for us all the harder.
I hugged him tightly and let out a choked laugh. “You feel good to me too.”
