Outside, Zack raised his upturned palms at me.
“What?” I snapped, rubbing my sore elbow. I’d kept my secret since I was fourteen, but lately everyone was interested in my back seat.
“Your headlights are pointed right into the dining room. They’re blinding. What are you doing out here?” he asked, bending his knees.
“Nothing. Trying to relax.” I made sure my blankie covered Mr. Waddles, then clambered up front and switched off the headlights.
Zack eyed me. “If you’re using CBD–”
I opened the car door, forcing him back. “I’m not using anything. Let’s go in.”
“Your voice sounds like crap. Did you talk too much again?” he asked.
I sighed and went inside, Zack stomping at my heels. Our moms were cleaning food platters they’d taken to their church group that morning.
Mom jerked her chin. “How was work?”
“Fine,” I said. She’d probably be happy if they fired me. She'd claim it was 'divine intervention' so I could take finding a stable job more seriously.
She frowned and eyed me. “Are you hungry?”
I used a bare piece of wall between framed watercolor flowers to balance as I toed off my boots. “No, though I could use some tea.”
“I’ll start the kettle,” she said.
Zack kicked off his shoes. “I could eat.”
“Come on, I’ll make you a plate,” Aunt Coral said.
I didn’t bother peeling off my puffy coat until I got to my room, where I hung it on the closet door. According to the mirror, I was a raggedy elf doll. My hair stuck out in odd places from wearing the cap and my red and green dress uniform was practically fused to my body with sweat. My nose was bright pink, my lips were chapped, and the glitter from my eyeshadow was sprinkled across my cheeks. It was messy, maybe a little sad, but me, nonetheless.
Without the uniform, I’d still want to sing along to holiday specials and help people make happy memories. But maybe I couldn’t afford to be myself. I couldn’t trust anyone with that side of me.
I stripped and tucked my uniform away before heading into a hot shower. The steam made me dizzy, multicolor dots dancing like miniscule sugarplums behind my eyelids. By the time I got back to my room, a mug of tea was waiting by my bed.
“Thanks, Mom,” I called, brushing my fingers through my wet hair.
The scalding tea soothed my throat, but hurt my lips. I blew on it, then set it on my nightstand before settling into bed. My oversized sweatshirt, loose pajama pants, and pale pink comforter were big enough I could swaddle myself.
Everything would be better in the morning. It had to be.
As exhausted as I was, I couldn’t sleep. I scrolled through my phone. My friends had gone out while I was working. I liked the photos and cried, sniffling away my regrets. I wished I could talk to someone. My high school and college crews would be more likely to suggest a drink than coloring books. Our schedules never aligned, anyway. Chestnut didn’t really care about me. Once I was fired, he’d never talk to me again.
“Shelby!” Aunt Coral’s voice rattled my mug.
“What?” I croaked, raising my head.
“Come eat something,” she said.
I fell back on the pillow and hugged my twisting stomach. “I can’t.”
“Whaaaat?”
Why did they insist on shouting all the time? My throat was killing me. I texted Zack. “I’m not hungry, but thank them for me.”
“Go get your cousin,” Aunt Coral said.
Zack’s big sigh could be heard halfway across the house. He marched over and rapped on my door.
