Danger!
Ken isdifferent.
Chapter Twelve
Present,March 1987
Toby
Rap,rap…rap. The knocks are quiet like the person on the other side of the door is hesitant to initiate the contact. It’s early on a Friday, they’re being considerate. Considerate is alien in this building. In this part of town.
Which means it can only be one person.
Alice.
She’s standing in the hall when I open the door.
“Hi,” is the word I go with to let her know it’s me greeting her. There are so many other things on the tip of my tongue, but they would all involve spilling thoughts about her that are better left locked inside where only I can ponder them to the point of torture.
“Morning, Toby. I was hoping you would answer. Sorry it’s so early, but I’m headed to school and wanted to let you know that the toilet is acting up again. Taber says it’s the flapper thingy. He tried to fix it, but he thinks it needs to be replaced because the toilet won’t stop running. I would’ve called you this afternoon, but I have an appointment right after school.” She’s talking quickly and I want her to slow down so I have more time with her, but I realize Taber is probably waiting on her and I need to get going too.
“I’ll take care of it.”
“You’re the best. Thanks.” She’s already turned and is walking down the hall. “Sorry to rush off, Taber’s waiting in the van. Have a great day,” she calls from the stairs.
For the first time ever I almost reply with, “You too,” but my natural instinct to not respond to niceties wins out and I don’t.
As soon asI get home from school, before I even listen to the answering machine, I hoist the toolbox down from the top of the fridge, grab the master keys, and head down to apartment 2A to look at Alice’s toilet. Alice said she has an appointment, so I assume that means band practice. I’ll have the place to myself and be in and out. Maybe I can even get it fixed before they get home so it’s not a bother to them tonight.
Unlocking the door, I slip in and leave the door open. I head straight for the bathroom but stop mid-path through the living room when I hear noises coming from the bedroom on the left. Noises that shutter my eyelids and take a stab at my gut. The rhythmic squeak of bedsprings accompanied by ecstasy-induced moans and the deep rumble of unintelligible words—an in sync symphony of pleasure that fills me with boiling jealousy. For seconds I stand in shocked suspense, listening like a masochist…or a pacifist. I can’t decide which because the jealousy is raging and blending with my self-loathing.You could never have her. She’s too good for you. They belong together. Your days are numbered anyway, let them be happy. And then my inner monologue morphs into the familiar repetitive, all-consuming chant of my truth…
You’re nothing.
You’re nothing.
You’re nothing.
As if on cue, everything climaxes behind the thin, pine bedroom door coated in layers of peeling paint in contrasting colors. Their bliss in perfect time with my hate. Hate directed solely at me. Their bliss directed solely at each other.
I need to leave.
By the time I reach the stairs, I only make it halfway up before I stop and sit down. I can’t go back into the apartment because Cliff is home. I’m a disaster and I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I’m shaking, my heart is racing, and when I drop my face into my hands to hide my malfunction and inability to cope from the world, I realize my cheeks are wet. I’m crying and I didn’t know it. That happens a lot. Sometimes the tears are there long before I’m aware of them. Pain has an inexplicable way of making that possible, a remarkable way of making sure you don’t forget it and give it recognition even when you don’t want to.
The sound of a door opening brings me out of my thoughts and forces me to surface and acknowledge the land of the living. The panic of being caught in the middle of a meltdown will do that. Wiping the tears away with a swipe of the collar of my T-shirt, I want to sniff and rein in the snot that’s running free but that would make me known and I’m trying to hide. So I wipe my nose with my T-shirt too.
Voices drift down the hall and up the stairs to me, undisturbed and clear. “I’m sorry we couldn’t spend more time together, but I have to pick up Alice from her appointment and then we need to get to band practice.” It’s Taber. The bastard doesn’t even sound ashamed. His voice is soft and loving, what a fucking imposter. I was actually starting to like the guy.
“I’ll take any spare minute I can get, you know that.” She sounds so different than Alice. Her voice is higher and she has an obscure accent.
“God, I can’t wait until you graduate and we can be together, Inga. Fort Collins is too far away, this whole distance thing is killing me.” He sounds sincere and it makes me want to punch him in the goddamn face. This whole thing is killinghim? What’s it going to do toAlicewhen she finds out? It will kill her.Bastard.
A pause punctuated by the faint sound of three staccato kisses and finally a sigh. “I know. Me too. We knew when we started this it was going to be hard, but I promise it will all be worth it. I love you.”Bitch.
They’re a united front joined to destroy Alice’s world.
“I love you, too. So much. Drive safe, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Declarations and promises that should belong to Alice.
Her footsteps gain volume before they ghost away down the stairs and out the front door.
