“Should we go downstairs?” Taylor whispered suggestively. Fletcher nodded.
“Talk first,” Fletcher told him. “Then sex.”
Taylor pulled back. He could feel the pit in his stomach return. He really, really didn’t want to talk about this with anyone. But Fletcher wasn’t just anyone. He was his best friend. His…something more. Fletcher deserved to know what he was getting himself into if he was going to be with Taylor.
God, Taylor really loved the idea of that. Of being in a relationship with Fletcher. He wanted nothing more than to be able to have a normal relationship with him. But they couldn’t. They had to keep things a secret or else they could sabotage their careers. Taylor had been asking himself lately if it would be worth it. If being able to be with Fletcher was worth sabotaging the career he worked so hard for. The thought of it kept him up at night. Especially nights where he held Fletcher in his arms, never wanting to let go.
Taylor didn’t know what kinds of feelings he was having, but the idea of possibly loving Fletcher…he couldn’t. He did love him. As a friend and as a teammate. But one night, a few days ago, he had a creeping thought come into his mind. The image of him and Fletcher together. Living together. Going grocery shopping together. Folding laundry together.
He wanted to know if Fletcher had any similar thoughts. Taylor wasn’t positive where they stood in regard to their relationship. He knew he couldn’t offerFletcher every part of himself. Not while they were both in the NHL.
But the truth? He could give Fletcher the truth. He wouldn’t keep anything from him.
“Let’s go downstairs to talk,” Taylor told him softly. He held Fletcher’s hand as he guided them back down the creaky wooden steps.
Taylor really loved the basement. It was all his. Gretchen used to have her office down here, but she told Taylor that she rarely ever used it. And now that she was retiring from her plastic surgeon career, she was more than happy to let Jesse take over. Taylor really loved the Panceks. They were his family now. And the idea of them being so open to accepting Taylor’s brother meant the world to him.
He and Fletcher took a seat on Taylor’s bed up against the headboard. Fletcher reached over to cup Taylor’s cheek and kiss him. It always made Taylor feel so good to be able to kiss Fletcher. Like his body craved it. And any time he was looking at Fletcher, there was always a voice in the back of his head that chanted the same word over and over again.Mine, mine, mine.
Fletcher was his. No matter what they were… Fletcher belonged to Taylor.
“Tell me about your brother,” Fletcher asked softly. He leaned his head down on Taylor’s shoulder as they wrapped their arms around each other. Taylor’s body buzzed with warmth.
Taylor let out a nervous gulp. “Jesse’s a really good kid. He’s strong, he’s introspective… but he’s angry. Like angry at the world. There’s a side to him that he’s good at hiding. Honestly, I’ve been afraid of him in the past. I thought he would be able to handle things once I left. He’s got really thick skin. Our dad died when we were both so young. But Jesse grew up never knowing if he was my father’s or… well, it doesn’t really matter now.My dad loved him just the same. He loved all of us the same.”
“When Jacob and Mandy got married and moved back in with us, Jacob and I never really got used to each other. Jacob’s a drunk and he’s an unmedicated bipolar. He would get so bad that he would take all his frustrations out on me. Sometimes it got really bad. Like really fucking bad. I remember one time when I was thirteen, he hit me so hard that he broke a rib.”
Taylor could start to feel himself cry. Talking about Jacob always did.
“I fucking hated it. It was like he had all the control over me. He would try and withhold hockey in order for me to…” Taylor sighed. “He’s not right in the head. He was nice to everyone else for the most part. He always said he saw Jesse as a son to him. Because he saw a lot of himself in Jesse. But not me. I was angry, too. Not as angry as Jesse was, but I’ve never really had a handle on my emotions. Especially around Jacob.”
“The older I got, the more I started to fight back. Jacob would… There were times where I thought he would try and…hurt me. Like in a bad way.” Taylor shuddered. Fletcher reached out to grab Taylor’s hand. “I could just tell from the ways he would look at me. And some of the subtle things he did and the names he would call me. But I never let it get to that point. I would die before I ever let him.”
“There was one time when I was fifteen when he got really close. He was in the garage drinking some beers with a few of his friends. Grandad asked me to go out there and bring in his tackle box because he was going on a fishing trip the next day with his brother. I ignored Jacob as I went to grab the tackle box from the shelf, but as I tried to walk back inside, he reached out and grabbed my shirt. He pulled me down to his lap andwrapped his arm around me to hold me still. He held my jaw and told his friends to look and see how good looking I was… I tried to fight him off but it had amused his friends. He pulled my shirt up to show them the bruises I had on my ribs. He told them that I was a fighter. That I was strong. But never strong enough to stop him from coming after me.”
“Eventually my oldest nephew came out into the garage to ask Jacob for help with something. He looked at us in horror as his dad held me down to his lap. His hand had traveled up my chest as he was showing me off. But JJ saw and Jacob finally let go of me and told us both to scram. JJ quickly ran off. He ran away from me. I gave Grandad the tackle box before I left and walked to Emogen’s house. I don’t think I went back there until the end of that summer.”
“The last day I was there, Jacob tried something. He had me in a compromising position and he tried to… well, I kind of blacked out. The next thing I remember is looking down at my fists, which had blood all over them. My knuckles were bruised and swollen. And Jacob was coughing up blood. I really did a number on him. Mandy walked in and started screaming and yelling. I left Sacramento as soon as I possibly could. I drove to Seattle three days before my signing, and I slept in my truck until I got my signing bonus and could afford a place to stay. Pancek invited me over to the rookie dinner he always threw, and he pulled me aside and wouldn’t let me go until I told him most of what happened. He told me that he was abused growing up too. He asked me if I’d like to come and stay until I got used to the NHL lifestyle. I turned him down at first but two weeks later he invited me over again under the guise of a team cookout and he kind of sicced Gretchen on me. She’s… God, that woman is persistent. But I’m glad I stayed. I’m so glad I met them.”
Taylor let out a deep sigh. “I shouldn’t have left Jesse. I tried telling myself that Jacob would never lay a hand on him because he never did with his own kids. But I knew I was just lying to myself. I guess things changed when I left. He started to try and take a hit at Jesse. But the kid’s fucking strong. He probably never let Jacob get far. But then a few weeks ago, I guess he threatened to send Jesse away to a bad kid’s camp or something. Like one of the places where you get dropped off in the middle of nowhere for six months and told to survive. Jesse packed a bag and ran away. He left his phone and his car because he was afraid Jacob would put trackers on them. He started staying at a neighbor’s place. The neighbor was always away on business trips but Jesse had a key because he was always asked to dog sit. When I called the neighbor to ask about Jesse, she told me that he had been there for two weeks and she had only just now gotten home from a trip. I asked her to make sure Jesse got to school and I had a new phone sent to him. I sent him a credit card so he could get anything he needed, and I told him that when I went to Sacramento that he would be coming back with me.”
“The day I fly in will be the day I turn twenty. And two days later will be the day Jesse turns eighteen. He’s already graduated from high school and has a full ride at Georgetown, so he’ll be staying here until he moves to DC in the beginning of August.”
“I can’t believe it, Taylor. That’s…so much.” Fletcher looked up at Taylor with tears in his eyes. Taylor just nodded before he pressed a kiss to Fletcher’s forehead.
“I’ve been in therapy since July. Gretchen insisted I went. I’ve done a lot of talking about everything with Dr. Browne. She thinks that a lot of my control issues stem from everything that happened.” Taylor sniffled. “I have like this incessant needfor control. It’s why I’m so adamant on having the respect of my teammates. Because if they respected me, then they would never hurt me. Not like Jacob did.”
“And now that I,” Taylor’s heart clenched and his hand instinctively clung to his chest. He looked down at Fletcher with tears in his eyes. “I’m so conflicted. I care so much about you, Fletcher. You’re too important to me. If I allow myself to act on these feelings I have for you,” Taylor gulped. “If I let myself love you the way that I think I could, then it could ruin everything I’ve worked for.”
Fletcher leaned up and straddled Taylor’s lap. He grabbed Taylor’s head and pulled it to his chest. Taylor wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. So tight that he knew he never wanted to let go.
“You mean the world to me,” Fletcher told him. “But I don’t ever want you to give anything up for me. If you think that we should stop—”
Taylor pulled his head back to look at Fletcher. He reached up to wipe away a tear that had fallen from his eye. “I can’t stop, Fletcher. I told you that I can’t ignore these feelings.” He sighed. “I want you. So fucking much. I think that…maybe I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. Even hockey. I don’t know. Butfuck. I want you to be mine. I need you to be mine, Fletch.”
Fletcher leaned down and kissed him. “I’m yours, Taylor. I’m so yours, baby.”
“It feels like I might die, sometimes.” Taylor told him. He croaked back a tear. “I don’t know how to do this. I honestly don’t know what the hell to do.”
