“Oh, come on, man! You’re just going to let Little Armstrong make you his little bitch? Thought you had balls, Piers.”
Taylor threw his gloves off.
“Piers!” Pancek shouted from the bench.
The whole thing threw the team off for the rest of the night. The bench went quiet. Not even scoring short-handed against a power play had been enough consolation.
“You can’t let them get to you, son,” he’d told Taylor right after the game.
But he couldn’t shake the comment Wolfe made. He kept overanalyzing it in his mind. Asking himself why Wolfe even thought to say it in the first place.
Something happened the night they had dinner with Fletcher’s parents. Taylor had spent the entire night trying to make sure Fletcher hadn’t been put in the hot seat. Sean Armstrong loved nothing more than talking about himself, so Taylor kept on asking him questions about his career and achievements and his team. He told him how big of a fan he was growing up. It wasn’t entirely a lie. Until hockey camp happened.
Taylor thought it had went well. Really well, actually. He had to admit that the Little Manatees offer was hard to pass up. It was for a good cause. And he’d get to spend some time with Fletcher. His best friend.
Then they invited him to their Fourth of July celebration. Taylor didn’t really care for the holiday, but he had always wanted to vacation in Florida. Maybe not Jacksonville. But somewhere down south sounded fun.
Sean and Fletcher split off to talk. Taylor had hoped it would be a good one that provided Fletcher with some closure. But then he came back to their room and…it broke Taylor’s heart tosee him like that.
He didn’t even realize he had held his hand. There was just something about Fletcher that made him feel so overprotective. He had never seen Fletcher so upset. So vulnerable. He was always pretty good at putting on a brave face, even though Taylor saw right through him.
He reached over and hugged him. It was supposed to be a hug.
But something happened. It was like the world had shifted. Fletcher had clung to him, and Taylor knew then and there that he was having thoughts about Fletcher that he never should be having.
Taylor knew it was wrong.
* * *
When they flew back home, Taylor immediately went to see Dr. Browne.
He told her how he was having these feelings that completely blindsided him. Feelings that were eating him up alive. He almost couldn’t even admit it to her.
“You said they were feelings? What kind of feelings?” She asked, guiding him.
Taylor shrugged. “Feelings of lust?” He cringed. “That sounds so gross. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m gay. I’ve never thought about a man before in that way, you know? And besides… it’s not like I could ever act on them.”
“And why is that?”
Taylor sighed and shook his head. “Because you can’t be gay in the NHL.” He said it almost matter-of-factually.
Dr. Browne shook her head at him as she pushed her glasses up to sit on the top of her head. She leaned in towards him while seated in her cool egg chair. Taylor had chosen to sit on the small couch in her office. He sat matter-of-factually with his legs perched up on the end of the couch and probably looked out the floor-to-ceiling window more than he looked at her. “There is no rule that tells you that you can’t be gay, Taylor.”
“I know,” he sighed. He scratched the side of his neck near his collar bone kind of nervously. “They wouldn’t respect me if I was gay.” He had too much on the line.
“Who wouldn’t? The other players?”
“My team. The league. My friends. I don’t know, doc.”
“Have you ever met a gay person?” She asked, curious. It was kind of condescending. But then again, Taylor honestly couldn’t think of any he knew personally, aside from Emogen. Did it count if he met two of her girlfriends in high school? Maybe he needed to start branching out more, he wondered.
“My ex. She’s a lesbian but we still hook up sometimes.” Taylor didn’t actually know if Emogen was a lesbian. She had never officially come out or labeled her sexuality. But as far as he knew, she had primarily slept with girls if she wasn’t sleeping with him.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. There’s nothing wrong with questioning your sexuality. It’s a completely normal and very healthy thing to do.” Dr. Browne assured him.
Taylor knew that. He had no issue with other people being gay. But it scared him. It threatened everything he had worked so hard for. Respect was what he valued most, and he would never do anything to lose the respect of his teammates. Evenif that meant burying these feelings he had deep, deep down inside of him.
“This person you’re having this attraction towards… Do you think he feels the same way about you?”
