Fletcher swallowed. “Maybe. Your family basically already knows. Maybe we could tell Douglas or Sánchez next. That would probably be a safe option.” They were both good friends to him and Taylor. He couldn’t see them disapproving of their relationship. But their friends weren’t the approval he had secretly wanted.
“You think they’d be cool with it?”
“I think they would be. They’re cool about Emogen? And Corinna now, I guess…”
“Emogen and Corinna aren’t their teammates,” Taylor said carefully, sounding like he was having his own doubts.
A long moment of silence stretched between the two of them, filled only by the sound of fireworks and distant cheering. Fletcher watched as their reflections in the water started to disappear as the fireworks fanned out.
Fletcher couldn’t bear to hide the way he felt about Taylor, but any time he tried to imagine coming out to his family, he could only see his dad’s disappointed look in his mind. A look that he knew all too well.
“I don’t know how to do this,” Fletcher told him abruptly.
“Do what?” Taylor asked softly as he shifted closer to Fletcher.
“I’m messed up, Taylor,” he said, shaking his head. “I try to imagine telling my parents, but I don’t think I could go through with it.” He gulped. “Before we left for Boston, my dad called me and accused us of… He knew something was up.”
“But when we were here for the games, we weren’t—”
“He knows, Taylor. I don’t know how he does, but he knows.”
“What makes you think that?”
Fletcher shook his head. “He’s acting weird. Like he’s hiding something that he’ll try and use as leverage against me. Even my sister agrees that he’s been acting weird.”
Taylor reached out to him but quickly pulled back when he remembered they weren’t alone. Fletcher felt sick.
“I hate that I still care,” Fletcher confessed. “I hate that I’m standing next to the man I love while still worrying what my dad will do when he finds out.”
“Fletcher…”
“He’s going to do something. He doesn’t approve of me being in a relationship with a man and I’m so fucking scared of what will happen,” Fletcher told him, words barreling out of him quicker than his thoughts did. He looked at Taylor now with tears in his eyes.
“I shouldn’t have let you come here.”
Taylor looked hurt as he stared at Fletcher, unsure of what to do. “Don’t say that, Fletcher.” His voice cracked.
“I’m sorry,” Fletcher said softly. “A part of me worries that,” he sighed, “what if I’ll never be okay? What if I’ll be this way forever? Screwed up in the head.” He thought back to Taylor’s birthday dinner and the way he responded to being hurt by trying to provoke Taylor. How was he going to stick by his promise that he would never hurt Taylor again if he couldn’t handle his own shit? He didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Not really.
“You won’t be,” Taylor assured him. “You’re feeling this way because being back here is triggering you. Being around your dad is triggering for you.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Fletcher agreed, letting out a sigh of defeat. “Maybe we should head back. I think I’m just tired or something.”
Taylor nodded. “Maybe that’s a good idea.”
37
The D Word
Neither of them spoke as they drove back to Fletcher’s apartment. Fletcher just wanted to turn his brain off for the rest of the night. He was tempted to throw Taylor in the backseat of his car and to not stop driving until they hit Seattle.
“Do you want to take a shower before we go to bed?” he asked Taylor as they slipped out of their shoes.
“Would that help you?”
Fletcher sighed. “I don’t know what would help me if I’m being honest.”
Taylor looked at him and nodded. He looked like he was contemplating something for a minute before his entire demeanor shifted.
