“I don’t want this to be over,” he says, his voice softening.
“I don’t either,” I say, even softer. “But it has to be.”
He stands and reaches toward me, but I draw back in my chair, my stomach tightening. “No. We can’t. I—can’t.”
“Please, Chelsea, I just?—”
“No.” My throat tightens. “I don’t trust myself.” I can barely look at him. That face. His sweet face, so full of distress and sorrow. A crack forms deep inside me, and an ache blooms in my chest. I finally meet his eyes. “We have to say goodbye, and you have to go. Please.”
He takes a long, deep breath, his arms limp at his sides. In a voice filled with defeat, he says, “Okay.”
“Goodbye, Julian.” I try like hell to keep the quaver from my voice.
“Goodbye, Chelsea.” His voice is packed with emotion, like there are a thousand more words he wishes he could say.
You and me both, sweetheart.
He turns and walks through the house and out the front door. Then he’s gone.
And I break.
Chapter
Ten
I don’t sleepat all that night. I remember Claudia mentioning sleep problems in her early forties and wonder if this is related to perimenopause. Wouldn’t that be just great?Fuck.
Around sunrise, I finally give up and drag myself out of bed and spend the day in a fog. He’s all I can think about.
Julian. His voice, his face, his hands.
This is—what is this? Heartbreak? Foolishness? Misery? Yes to all.
I try telling myself I’m being dramatic. It was a fling. A fling we both knew wouldn’t last, couldn’t last. It had to end this way, and that’s that. Get over it.
Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better.
I try comforting myself with food but find it tasteless. Television? Can’t focus on it. Doomscrolling on social media? Feels pointless. Who gives a shit about all that? I toss my phone down, growling in frustration, and head into my bedroom. The gauzy white curtains on the open windows drift inward on the breeze then flutter up as I rush past to the bathroom.
I know what I need. I turn on some soft music and run a hot bath. Sinking down into it, I finally feel a tiny measure of relief asI close my eyes and lie there with my head back, trying to let my mind go blank.
I must have fallen asleep, because when I wake, I find the water has grown tepid and the shadows outside have lengthened toward early evening. I lift myself from the water, limbs stiff from being in the confines of the tub for so long, and realize I feel even more tired than before.
After cleaning up from my bath, I enter the living room and glare at the clock. Six? It’s only six? My God. I just want this day to be over so I can go to bed.
I drop onto the couch with a groan, lean back, and cover my face with my hands. My eyes relax in the warm darkness of my palms as I take some deep, calming breaths. A knock at the door startles me, and I drop my hands, blinking at the brightness.
My heart rate picks up as I rise and approach the door, then I suck in a breath after peeking through the curtains.
Yup, it’s Julian.
I rest my forehead on the door, patting the wood with my hands and taking a breath, trying to ready myself. I already know I’m a goner.
I open it.
He looks… wrecked. He rushes in, and I close the door, turning to lean back against it and behold him. His clothes are rumpled, and his hair is mussed, like he’s run his hands through it over and over, as he’s doing now. His breathing is rapid as he paces back and forth, and then he turns to me, and I finally see his eyes.
When I see the abject misery on his face, my heart clenches so hard that I wince. His eyes are red, his face unshaven, and he looks so tortured that I can hardly bear it.
