Neither, but I don’t say that. If things stay as they are, I might be grateful for a trade. If she’s going to keep the one season and done relationship rule, I can’t imagine seeing her every day, working with her, watching her fucking date other people. I might make fun of Dalton for the misery he’s experiencing at how happy she is with me, but it’s only because if I were to end up in his shoes, the depths of my own despair are as clear as polished glass. Watching her with someone else would be the slowest, most painful death. Worse, I imagine, than getting to game seven in the cup match and not being able to deliver.Thatwould haunt me, but seeing Sawyer with someone else might well destroy me.
“I don’t know how much I’d care about a trade. Maybe a lot. Maybe not at all.” That’s as honest as I can be.
“I guess it’s good that you’re not in the ‘fuck no’ category yet in terms of a trade. Thought maybe you might be.”
“Is that all you called about?”
“Just checking your temperature,” he agrees. “And I was asked to remind you about your biological family. They’re still waiting to hear from you.”
My phone vibrates with a text. I told Sawyer I’d come down to meet her in the car rather than her coming up.
“Yeah, I’m not getting into that. If you hear anything more concrete about a trade, let me know,” I say. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Talk soon,” my agent says before hanging up.
From the back of one of the island chairs, I grab my sports coat. Sawyer’s family is hosting a dinner to celebrate Ember and Gage’s first pregnancy, which, strangely enough, is not their first child together. Sometimes when she tries to take me through her family dynamic, my head spins. No one but Ava is talking to their mother, who, given the stories Sawyer has told me, sounds more like a mafia boss than a mother. Gage’s first child was with Ember’s sister who died, and now Gage and Ember are married. Hollyn and Nathaniel were high school sweethearts who were torn apart by lies that I couldn’t follow but had something to do with Celia, only to be reunited when Hollyn came back to the island with her younger sister, Kinsley, when their aunt died. Ava has an on-off relationship with Officer Foster, who Sawyer thinks actually works more for her mother than Bellerive. Maren, a super athlete, who was married once before to a gold digger, and is now a member of the royal family after her recent marriage. And then there’s Sawyer, who went on a single date with King Alexander when he needed to find a wife, campaigned for the scum of the earth, Dalton Worthington, and is now,officially, the first woman I’ve ever been in love with. Thank fucking god Alex and Dalton were such duds.
“That was quite a look on your face when you came out of the building,” Sawyer says as I slide into the passenger seat.
“Giving myself the SparkNotes recap of your family dynamics before we’re sitting around the dinner table. Is your father coming to Nathaniel’s house?”
“In a show of solidarity for our mother, he never attends the sibling get-togethers without her.” She gives me a sideways glance with a hint of a smile. “Honestly, I don’t think he ever cared all that much about family events. It was easier for him to say yes to my mother. Avoided a fight. Now, he’s still avoiding a fight by staying on her good side. If he wasn’t a serial cheater, I might even think he loved her.”
“Are all families fucked-up?”
“In some way, probably,” Sawyer says. “How many families have you met that seemed without issue?”
“Chayton and his dad get along great. Folded me right in,” I say, watching Bellerive’s coast zip past through the window. “They might be the only ones.” Of course, like me, Chayton’s mom also died. It was one of the things we bonded over. But he remembered his mom, and I could never decide if that was better or worse.
“Still getting pressure to meet your mom’s family?”
“Another comment about it tonight. But if they’re fucked-up, I don’t need that.”
“That’s not really your worry, is it?”
“I’ve been lied to enough in my life.”
“I’ve been thinking about this,” she says, “An easy way to find out if they’ll tell you the truth might be to ask them to write a letter explaining what happened with your mom from their point of view. Maybe their version won’t match exactly, but you’ll know if the big stuff does.”
I turn to face her, and then I run my hand along her thigh and give her a little squeeze. “Your brain is a wonder.”
She lets out a laugh and catches my hand before I can take it back. “You liked that?”
“Liked? Nah. I loved it. I love all of you,” I say without hesitation. After I finally said it, it’s like I can’t help telling her all the time all the things I love. And yeah, that might make the end harder, but I can’t imagine the end of us being any fucking harder than I’m already anticipating. For the rest of my life, she’s going to be the woman I compare every other woman to. I lift up her hand and kiss her palm. “I love all of you.”
I’ve been with Sawyer and her siblings before, but normally it’s just one at a time. To be around them all is like being in the middle of a game of tennis, and the ball is just teasing comments being volleyed back and forth at a speed I can barely follow. Most of the serves land inbounds, and there are very few kill shots. The lines are clearly defined and seem to be respected. For me, it’s strange being immersed in such a big, generally happy group. They gel. The same way a really cohesive team might. Which has never been my experience—there’s usually one prick ready to puncture an otherwise positive atmosphere in the dressing room.
Their light ribbing is the first time in a long time that I do kind of wish for more of a family. Or maybe it’s just my mom’s family waiting in the wings that’s making me reconsider. Chayton and his dad are the only people who’ve ever felt like family to me. Holidays and special occasions were quiet with just the three of us, and I thought I liked that best.
Maybe I just liked our trio because I didn’t know any better, never experienced anything more. The foster homes I moved in and out of were often chaotic or not well managed. I wasn’t lucky enough to land in a house that ever felt like my home.
Then I met Chayton’s dad at thirteen, and he cared about me. Most of the initial caring was because of hockey, but it was the first time someone who didn’t have to take notice of me saw me—really saw me—and liked what they saw. From there, my life went up and up and up. Because of them.
I ease my hand along Sawyer’s thigh under the oversized dinner table that we’re all seated around while catering staff mill about keeping everyone happy. Her family history is rich and deep, and I love that she’s included me.
“Too much?” she whispers, leaning close.
I brush my lips across her cheek and then whisper back, “Never enough.”
