“It’s about doc, isn’t it?” Radek says.
“I talked to her. You said I should talk to her, and I did. But we want different things.”
“How so?” Auston asks.
“She wants a short-term casual whatever, and I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” Radek asks. “That’s what we talked about. A tiny relationship.”
“I can’t do relationships with a ticking clock. All the foster care bullshit just rears its head. It’ll fuck me up.”
“And you’re not already fucked up?” Radek asks, incredulous. “If you’re on the bench—”
“I know. You’re not in the game. I know.”
“No relationships have any sort of guarantee,” Auston says.
“Right. Which is why I tend to avoid them,” I say. “She wants some kind of friends-with-benefits arrangement.”
“Older woman, hotter than hell. I’d take that,” Radek says.
“If you keep talking like that about her, my next misconduct will be against my own team member.”
Radek chuckles and sips his beer. None of this is fucking funny to me.
“Is it the ticking clock,” Auston asks, “or are you afraid what you have with her will be screwed up beyond repair with thiscasualidea and you’ll lose her?”
I tip up my water, and I let his words sink in while I take a few gulps. It’s possible that uncertainty is a big part of my issue. Without a doubt, I genuinely like her and care about her. In alot of ways, she’s become the closest person to me on the island outside my teammates. Losing her would blast a hole in my life.
“Maybe,” I admit.
Then Auston and Radek take turns grilling me on all the conversations Sawyer and I have had until I’m feeling less certain and more confused again.
“To me,” Auston says, “her ideadoesmake sense. You have a clear start and finish. You don’t get in too deep. Should be easy enough to go back to where you’re at now.”
“I’m on Bishop’s side,” Radek says. “Sex can fuck with feelings quickly. The season is long. I think a shorter timeline is right.”
“That’snotwhat I said,” I say. “I don’t wantanytimeline. See where things go.”
“Oh no,” Radek says, “that’s a bad idea. Someone will definitely get hurt. That’s real dating. You don’t want that with her.”
“I think I do, actually.”
“But she doesn’t. If you still want her in her life after the two of you are done fucking around, you need the parameters she’s setting,” Auston says again. “Relationships that linger past their expiry date—that’s when people start to resent each other, or they want more than the other person can give. Stamp a date on it. Stick to it. Nice and simple. Your head and heart know where you stand. No uncertainty.”
“What are you more likely to regret,” Radek asks, as though it’s simple, “getting a shift on ice with her, or watching her play the game with other guys while you sit on the bench?”
“That’s a terrible comparison.” That works better than I’d ever admit. The idea of her being with anyone else makes my gut clench. “I don’t like the set timeline.”
“If you’re always waiting for the ideal circumstances, you’ll die alone,” Auston says. “You want her, and it sounds like she wantsyou. The season’s not even at the halfway point. Lots of time. That ticking clock is pretty fucking faint at this point.”
He’s right. While my instincts, which I always try to listen to, are pretty convinced a few months with her won’t be enough, my head also knows that I’m not in a position to offer anyone kids and marriage. We want different things, and holding her back is wrong.
I’m just not sure if going heart first into a temporary arrangement, when I’m not sure I’ll be able to let go easily, is right either. It feels like my head and my heart are on a collision course, and I’ve got no idea whether I’ll hit the ice or remain standing.
Chapter Eighteen
Sawyer
