“When he takes over for Lorenzo, that could mean big things for you. Santino won’t live forever. Dario trusts you. You could be his right hand.”
I keep eating, waiting for the sales pitch to reach its inevitable conclusion.
“That’s years away,” I say finally.
She makes a dismissive sound. “Time moves faster than you think.”
This conversation is older than my Little League career. She’s been pushing me toward more power since I made capo, and I get why. Her gender kept her locked out of the family business despite being the former don’s daughter. She wants me to grab every opportunity she never had.
“Ma, did you ever think about walking away from this life? Since you could never truly be part of it?”
She goes still, fork halfway to her mouth. For a long moment she just stares at her plate, and I start to wonder if I’ve crossed a line. Finally, she sets down her utensil and really looks at me.
“My father saw me as a bargaining chip,” she says quietly. “He was going to marry me off to somefamigliain California. Unite two organizations through my wedding ring.”
I've heard this story before, but it still pisses me off. The casual way she tells it, like it's just another fact of life, makes my jaw tighten.
“The engagement fell through, so he scrambled to find another use for me.” Her mouth twists into something bitter. “Your father had just inherited a fortune and was looking to invest. My father needed capital for the hospitality company but didn’t want to owe money to other families. So he decided I’d marry your father and lock in that investment permanently.”
“Sounds like you still didn’t get much of a choice.”
“I got to choose between your father and whoever else my father lined up.” She reaches over and touches my arm, rare physical contact that makes me pay attention. “But I picked your father, and that felt like something.”
“I still don’t see how that answers my question.”
“I never wanted to leave because family is everything. Even when it’s hard, even when they disappoint you, loyalty matters. Paolo and Lorenzo are good men. I’d never walk away from that.”
“Even though Grandpa treated you like shit?”
“Especially because of that. Someone has to break the cycle.”
“So loyalty kept you here.”
“Loyalty is only worth something when it’s hard. Anyone can stick around when things are easy.”
I take another bite of pasta, mulling this over.
I think about Austin, about the possibility that I could be his father, about what kind of legacy I’d be passing down. Violence and secrets and enemies around every corner.
I think about Nina too, about why she didn't tell me. Was she protecting him from all this? From me?
“I always figured if I got married, it’d be arranged,” I admit. “Something to benefit the business.”
Her grip on my arm tightens. “I’d prefer if you found someone to love.”
The word ‘love’ sits between us like a loaded gun. I don’t know if I’m capable of that kind of vulnerability. Don’t know if I want to be.
But Nina’s face flashes in my mind anyway, uninvited and unwelcome.
“I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me, Ma.”
The look she gives me is equal parts sad and knowing, like she can see straight through my bullshit to the scared kid underneath.
Maybe she can. Maybe that’s what mothers do.
“You might surprise yourself,” she says softly.
I finish my pasta and try not to think about how right she might be.
