“What do you want?” I answer, not getting up to open it.
“Are you sure you don't need anything?” he asks, muffled behind the door.
“I'm good, Lincoln,” I call back.
“All right, good night,” he says.
His footsteps retreat back to his room and I hear his door close.
There goes my heart falling to the floor of my stomach. My hands, my fingers, my entire body itches with the need to hold him. I try to lie down in my bed, turn out the lights, but sleep eludes me like a ghost slipping through my fingers each time I try to catch it.
Lying on my stomach, then on my back, I stare into the void of the darkness, hued by the blue of the moonlight shining through. It’s snowing outside, so the reflection of the snow sticking to the environment swirls with the pale lunar drip of radiance that bleeds into my room and mirrors how I feel. My loneliness. My emotions. I can’t take it anymore.
I rise off the bed. I’ll just make sure I keep control, that’s all.
Heading to the bathroom, I relieve myself, then stand facing the bathroom door, trying to hype myself up to go back outside.
I don’t need him. That’s right. I’ll go back to my room and go to sleep. I just need a reset, that’s all.
Maybe I can just use my vibrator or something, but I don’t want my vibrator right now. That dildo I purchased could be of good use too, but I have no idea what it is about other women and how they make it look so easy fucking themselves with a commondildo. It is so much work, and maybe it’s because my arms are short or something, but I always have to hold myself at a weird angle, or be on top, just to get the big dildo to slide inside missionary.
I had to get one big enough to match Lincoln’s size, but because it’s so long, it’s awkward having to hold the tip of the suction cup to get it to go in. If I wasn’t so embarrassed and I had the means and resources, I would invent a dildo that has a pole attached to it so I could hold it up for leverage, pulling it like I’m doing a bicep curl , so the dildo would go in and I’d be relaxed on my back instead of stuck at that stupid awkward angle.
Men have it so much easier.
They literally only need their hand and a spit glob or some lube or lotion. One, two strokes, and they’re gone. Why is everything so much harder for women?
My vibrator is nice, but sometimes I want to be filled and feel that warm weight of somebody on top of me, filling me, fucking me hard. Something I can’t ever really replicate on my own. It’s like trying to massage your own body, it doesn’t hit the same as when somebody else does it and you’re completely relaxed.
Thinking about Lincoln fucking me now is making me crazy, and it’s not like I can use anything anyway with him being in the same house so close by.
So I get up and head to his room.
Standing by his door, I freeze. It’s probably been 20 minutes since I said goodnight to him and closed my door.
This time I’m not going to just open the doorknob. I don’t want to embarrass myself anymore. So my arm raises so I can knock.
And the door clicks open as if he already knew I was there.
He doesn’t even look shocked. There he stands, tall over me, staring at me in the dark. How did he know I was standing here?
He doesn’t say anything smug. He doesn’t jibe at me. He just stares.
Then he steps back a little, opening the door slightly more to let me in, knowing fully what I want.
Walking in slowly, almost with a walk of shame, I hear the door click behind me, now inside his room. When I look toward his bed, the horrible memory of him being unresponsive hits me like a thousand arrows to the heart.
Lincoln is still standing behind me. He doesn’t say anything.
“It still haunts me, you know, that day,” I say quietly. “I didn’t like seeing you like that,” I continue, turning to face him. “I was so scared,” I say.
He steps closer to me, his warmth radiating off him, making me yearn for it even more.
“What is it that made you so scared?” he asks softly.
“I don’t know, I thought you were going to die.” My voice comes out in a whisper.
Saying nothing, he steps even closer, barely five inches between us. Then his hand takes mine and he walks by me, then turns to back up onto the foot of the bed to sit as he pulls me closer.
