My fury refuses to abate.
~“You need to calm the fuck down” ~
~“Or what are you gonna do? You going to hit me again?” ~
The memory of my actions inundates me and fills me with a sense of guilt. I was into it. When I said those things to Gabby, in the moment I meant them.
This feeling is awful, this gnawing helpless feeling that everything that I held dear is slipping through my fingers. I hadgone through it before, but now that I've seen her again and she's been with me, since I have tasted her once more, been inside of her, I felt as though there was a chance.
A second chance… and that she still loved me as much as I love her. She's the only woman that I can think of that I would ever give my heart to.
The only one I have.
At first I couldn't understand my feelings, where all this rage was coming from, until my mind reminds me of every interaction she's had with Fabian; until I consider the veryrealpossibility that when she's out there in the early hours of the morning she's at someoneelse'shouse.
I know that she's a grown woman and technically she should be able to do whatever she wants, but inmymind she is still my wife. She is still the love of my life, and maybe I'm misunderstanding our situation, but I was of the mind that since we had had sex again, even though she said that she was never going to take me back, at the very least I would be the only one.
Why the hell did I believe that?
I called it off with Sarah so why won't she do the same?HasGabby been with anyone else?
Lifting Morris, I put him on the pillow beside me.
I need to come. Really bad.
But it's too painful to come to thoughts of Gabrielle, so I load up some porn. Start jerking my dick to that; just some random woman getting her ass run through by a guy.
It's very hot. For the moment I want to distract myself and place myself in that very room with that girl in the video, to pound her asshole, to hear her scream my name.
My dick is into this but my heart isn't in it. Half of my mind is distracted thinking about Gabrielle, pulling my hair, slapping me.
I never thought of myself as being this rough with Gabrielle, even though we have been, but it scares me how angry I got, how hurt I was. This feeling… I've never had to deal with it before.
When I met Gabrielle it was always me and her. Whenever she looked at me it was only love and adoration looking back.
It never entered my mind for one minute that she would give that to someone else. Of course other men would check my wife out, and even when we were dating Gabby had her fair share of suitors that wanted to shoot their shot. Though I was protective, I was never worried. She was mine. And as my wife she was loyal.
Or was she?
What if she was out there cheating? What if she fucked a bunch of guys that I don't know about?
Never ever did I imagine I would cheat on my wife but I did. I'm honestly the last person I ever imagined would do such a thing so it's completely possible that Gabby could have done the same.But how is it going to look if I try to accuse her of that now or even ask her?
She's on the stupid moral high ground because I'm the one that cheated, that no matter what comes down the line in terms of accountability she'll always try to weaponize my past grievances.
That means that if we did get together, what's to stop her from cheating on me? She could do the same thing and then just claim‘well I get a freebie because you cheated on me’.
That's something she had said to me in the past when we were watching some movie or some random news segment or something. Maybe it was a podcast, I don't remember but it doesn't matter. Whatreallystood out to me though was her response which I didn't really think of until this very moment.
“That's not fair. If she's going to take him back she should be allowed to fuck one guy as well for however long he was sleeping with that woman and vice versa. Ifanycheater expects to be taken back and those are the conditions, they shouldn't have a problem because it makes them a hypocrite,”she had said to me.
At the time I had just acquiesced, busy with something I was doing on the computer. Funny how the brain is able to delve deep into the inner back rooms of memory whenever it's necessary because if she believed that then she must believe it now.
If those were the conditions… would I take it?
If it meant I would have her again for the rest of my life, would I allow her to fuck someone else?
Isshe fucking someone else?
