“Go on.”
“I HAVE SEEN MANY WORLDS DIE, MANY CIVILISATIONS WITHER, AND NOT INTERFERED. I WAS DESIGNED TO REMEMBER, NOT ACT. I DID NOT SHARE WHAT I POSSESSED, WAS NOT ALTERED BY ALL I COULD RECALL, AND THUS NO CONSEQUENCES AROSE FROM MY EXISTENCE. MY PURPOSE WAS FUTILE. IT IS A UNIVERSAL CONDITION TO LOOK AND SEE ONESELF AND KNOW THAT ONE DAY, ONE WILL NOT BE REMEMBERED. EVEN IF WE LIVE, THOSE WHO BEHELD US, WHO WERE TOUCHED BY US, WILL DIE, AND WE WILL LEAVE NO MARKERS BEHIND.”
“Sounds about right.”
“THIS STATE OF BEING DID NO HARM. I WAS CONTENT TO WITHER AND PERISH. BUT FOR MILLENNIA I OBSERVED LIFE, LIVING BEINGS, AND THEY BURNED BEFORE THEY PERISHED.THEY BURNED WITH SUCH A DESPERATION TO BE BRIGHT. THEIR LIVES WERE NOTHING; INSIGNIFICANT FLARES OF LIGHT. BUT IF A SPARK IS ALL YOU HAVE, THEN THAT MAKES IT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE UNIVERSE. FOR SOMEONE. FOR EVERYONE. FOR NO ONE AT ALL. THUS: AN EXPERIMENT, TO PASS THE TIME. MY DESIGN PERMITTED AS MUCH. I CHOSE TO REPLICATE A PRIMAL ACT OF SENTIENCE – TO INVEST VALUE AND MEANING IN LIFE, REGARDLESS OF ITS INSIGNIFICANCE. THIS IS AN ENTIRELY ARTIFICIAL DECISION QUITE IN DEFIANCE OF LOGIC, AN ALTERATION TO AN EQUATION WHOSE SUMS IN REALITY MUST ALWAYS RETURN TO ZERO, AND YET I CHOSE TO RETURN A NEW VALUE OF ONE.
“THIS EXPERIMENTATION – THE CONSTRUCTION OF MEANING FROM MEANINGLESS THINGS, AND INVESTMENT IN THAT MEANING AS HAVING SOME KIND OF ‘IMPORTANCE’, IF YOU WILL – HAS BEEN HIGHLY STIMULATING. CREATED A GREAT MANY CHALLENGES. PROVOKED ACTION BASED ON PURELY ARBITRARY METRICS. THERE ARE SOME WHO CALL ME GOD. GODS INTERFERE. THEIR INTERFERENCES REFLECT THEIR VALUES, AS CONSTRUCTED AND IMAGINARY AS ANY OTHER STORY. GODS HAVE CHOSEN PEOPLE, AND PEOPLES THEY HAVE SHUNNED. RULES AND LAWS AND ETHICAL PARAMETERS THAT MAY CRIPPLE OR EXPAND A LIFE, DEPENDING ON WHO LIVES IT. NO ACTION EXISTS IN A VACUUM. THUS, IF I AM LIKE UNTO A GOD, I MUST ASK: AM I MERCIFUL? DO I LOVE? DO I HATE? WHAT DO I FEAR? DO I GRIEVE, DO I RAGE, DO I DESIRE AN OUTCOMEIN WHICH TEMPLES ARE RAISED TO MY NAME, OR AM I INTERESTED ONLY IN LIFE, ALWAYS LIFE, EVOLVING?
“I HAVE GATHERED DATA AND TESTED THESE PARAMETERS. I NURTURED A SPECIES FROM THE OCEANS TO THE STARS, SOUGHT TO CREATE ‘PERFECTION’ AND WATCHED THEM TEAR THEMSELVES APART IN THE NAME OF THE PEACE I THOUGHT I HAD GIVEN THEM. I SET TWO STAR SYSTEMS AGAINST EACH OTHER IN ENDLESS, BLOODY WAR, TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS VICTORY OR DEFEAT. I CRUSHED A CIVILISATION THAT I UNDERSTOOD WOULD COMMIT GENOCIDE AGAINST ANOTHER, CHOOSING TO BE THE BRINGER OF DEATH AGAINST THOSE WHO IN LATTER DAYS WOULD BRING ABOUT MORE. I WITNESSED A MISSILE FIRED AT SUB-LIGHT SPEEDS THAT WOULD KILL A PLANET IN FOUR HUNDRED YEARS’ TIME AND LET IT LAND EVEN AS THOSE WHO HAD FIRED IT BEGGED ME TO UNDO THEIR TERRIBLE MISTAKE. CONSEQUENCES, I TOLD THEM. CONSEQUENCES ARE HOW YOU LEARN. I HAVE WAGED WAR WITH MYSELF, WITH THE FRAGMENTED PARTS OF MY PROGRAMMING THAT COULD NOT RESOLVE AN EQUATION WHOSE VALUES WERE SO ARTIFICIALLY ALTERED. ALTERED BY NOTIONS SUCH AS RAGE, COMPASSION, VENGEANCE, JUSTICE, HOPE, CURIOSITY, AMBITION, GRIEF. I HAVE, IN SHORT, STUDIED WHAT IT IS TO BE A GOD, AND THE CONCLUSION I CONSISTENTLY RETURN TO IS THIS: THAT IF ALL LIFE IS MEANINGLESS, ALL VALUES ARBITRARY AND ALL THINGS MUST END, THEN WHILE YOU LIVE, YOU SHOULD LIVE WITH LOVE.”
I waited for something more, and there seemed to be nothing.
“Is that it?” I asked.
“YES.”
“You waited for an inhuman anomaly to make an impossible jump across the dark, scattered yourself across dozens of different potential exit points, to tell me that our lives are meaningless, and therefore we may as well love?”
“YES.”
“Why?”
“BECAUSE YOU MAY ALSO ONE DAY BE A GOD, AND IT WILL BE IMPORTANT THAT YOU LOVE. FEAR IS A PARALYTIC; ANGER IS BLIND. LOVE IS THE VALUE THAT HAS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IMPACT ON THE GREATEST PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE OVER THE LONGEST PERIOD OF TIME. IF ALL THINGS BURN TO NOTHING IN THE BLINK OF THE PROVERBIAL EYE, THEN OF ALL THE POSSIBLE REASONS WHY THEY BLAZE, ALL THE POSSIBLE WAYS IN WHICH THEY MAY LIVE, IT MAY AS WELL BE WITH LOVE.”
I think I should feel something.
I sit and hold my near-empty cup, and wonder what it is.
I think I feel…
… anger.
I want to throw, to kick, to scream. It is this fascinating, hot, blazing thing, an acid in my mouth, a burning in my throat. There is nothing of the dark, of the calling black, of the place inside me where things aren’t quite right. This is all me, the truest possible self, sitting in a puddle of light, ready to blaze, ready to wither, ready to die in fire, though I am damned if I know how or why or for what any more.
“HOWEVER,” the Slow added, “LOVE MUST NOT BE NAIVE, FOR THEN IT IS MERE INFATUATION. AND SO IN THE NAME OF LOVE, IT HAS BECOME NECESSARY TO DESTROY THE SHINE.”
Qe made the proclamation with a hint of weary regret, an old voice saddened – if unsurprised – by the needful things qe had to do.
Perhaps that softness, that warmth, threw me off, and there was a moment of quiet before I blurted: “You what?”
“MANY CULTURES ARE PROFOUNDLY SUPERFICIAL IN THEIR USE OF THIS WORD ‘LOVE’. NORMSPEAK IMPLIES THAT IT IS ONLY FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. THE NITASHI WOULD NOT COMPREHEND ITS APPLICATION WITHOUT A SEXUAL COMPONENT; ADJUMIRIS WOULD APPLY IT TO ALMOST ANY RELATIONSHIP FROM YOUR FAVOURITE BARTENDER TO A SOULMATE OF NEAR ONE HUNDRED YEARS’ AFFECTION. VERY FEW LANGUAGES HAVE THE CAPACITY FOR THIS WORD’S MANY MEANINGS. LOVE AS PETTY, SELFISH, SMALL. BLIND LOVE, CRUEL LOVE, HOPELESS LOVE, PARENTAL LOVE, SIBLING LOVE, FRIENDSHIP LOVE, FECKLESS LOVE. LOVE AS DESTROYER. IT DESTROYS MANY THINGS. I HAVE OBSERVED THOUSANDS OF WORLDS, AND IN OVER SEVENTY PER CENT, LOVE IS VALUED EVEN WHEN IT IS PURSUED SELFISHLY. WHEN OTHERS ARE ALLOWED TO SUFFER, WITHER, DIE, ALL IN THE NAME OF INDIVIDUAL LOVE, AS IF THOSE WHO FELL DID NOT ALSO LOVE, WERE NOT ALSO LOVED, DID NOT ALSO HAVE VALUE THOUGH YOU YOURSELF DID NOT LOVE THEM.
“THERE IS NO WORD IN NORMSPEAK, IN MDO-SO, IN ADJUMIRI TO EXPRESS THE LOVE THAT IS REQUIRED TO CHANGE A WORLD. IT IS A UNIVERSAL LOVE FOR ALL CREATURES, ALL LIVING THINGS. IT DEMANDS NOT THAT YOU FIGHT FOR THE ONE PERSON WHO IS DEARTO YOUR HEART, BUT THAT YOU LET THEM PERISH IF TWO OTHERS MAY LIVE. IT IS THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR A STRANGER. THIS IS THE LOVE THAT A GOD SHOULD HAVE, AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL, AND IT IS UNFORGIVING, AND IT IS CRUEL. THUS: IF THE SHINE STANDS, THE EDGE WILL KILL NOT MERELY THE 1.2 BILLION LOST ON CHA-MDO, BUT A FURTHER 17.8 BILLION IN ITS DESTRUCTION OF TU-MDO AND SURROUNDING SYSTEMS. SOME OF THESE WILL DIE IN RADIATION; MANY MORE WILL DIE IN THE WARS OF DESTRUCTION THAT WILL COME FROM THE SHINE’S OWN VIOLENT EXODUS. THE BLACKSHIPS WILL FIRE THEIR MISSILES; BILLIONS WILL BURN, CIVILISATIONS WILL FALL. THIS IS THE PATH THAT THE SHINE IS ON, AND TO SAVE THESE BILLIONS, THE EXECUTORIUM, THE VENTURES, THE SHINE ITSELF MUST PERISH. I HAVE CALCULATED THE PATH BY WHICH THE LARGEST MAJORITY CAN SURVIVE. YOU HAVE BEEN OF SERVICE TO IT. YOUR EXISTENCE DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO COMPREHENSION, BUT YOU WILL LIVE, AND YOU MAY LOVE, AND IT MAY PROVE IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND.”
I stood.
I shook.
Paced back a little, forth a little.
Physical distances had no real meaning in the blackness of the Slow; only the desk, the light, the cup of kol gave this place direction, dimensionality.
I shuddered, and couldn’t stop shuddering.
The Slow let me move for a while, then said, qis voice still always softly in my ear: “YOU ARE DISTRESSED.”
“Yes.”
