I nodded in agreement. As I stared into his face, I couldn’t pinpoint any similarities in our features. When he said I was the spitting image of my mother, he wasn’t lying. We sat in silence for a while. I wasn’t sure where to start. Before either of us could break the silence, the server came over.
“Welcome to Moon Café. What can I get started for you guys?” she asked.
John looked at me.
“I’ll take a cup of green tea for now,” I replied.
“I’ll have a cup of coffee, black, “John said.
The server walked away to grab our drinks.
“I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me. I guess I should start out by apologizing. I’m not sure if you know anything about me,” he said.
“I know that you’re a married man that had a baby out of wedlock. My mother gave you an ultimatum to choose your family or us. Since this is our first time meeting, I will assume you chose your family. Does that sum up the situation?” I asked.
John took a deep breath as the server brought over our drinks.
“I know an apology will never be enough for me not being in your life. Your mother didn’t know I was married when we met. She didn’t find out about my wife until after she gave birth to you. I know it sounds bad, but one minute, I’m on one of my business trips, sitting in a diner. The next moment, this beautiful, ginger-haired woman comes over to take my order. After that initial time seeing her, I kept coming to the diner each time I came to town. Eventually, I worked up the nerve to ask her out. Once she agreed, we became inseparable when I was in town. Whenever she mentioned traveling to my home, I told her I was working,” he explained.
“This sounds like you cared about her, so what happened?” I asked.
“Not long after I started seeing Nicole, she became pregnant with you. I continued to split my time between work, Nicole, and my family. Since I frequently traveled for work, my wife didn’t ask questions. The problem was that leading a double life became exhausting. When Nicole found out I was married, she gave me the ultimatum. I didn’t want to lose her, and I couldn’t afford to leave my wife. When you were a baby, I left Nicole alone. I sent money for years until one day, I noticed several of my checks went uncashed. When I came back to town, I learned Nicole had passed. It was six months after her death,” he said.
“You learned of her death and still didn’t come see about me?” I questioned.
“Nicole spoke highly of her parents. When she gave me the ultimatum, she told me you guys would always be okay. I never doubted they would take care of you. As I had never met her parents, I wasn’t sure if she had told them about me. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to pop up so long after,” he replied.
“I don’t understand the decision, but it was yours to make. Why now? I’m thirty years old. My mother has been gone for twenty-four years. Why did you come look for me now?” I questioned.
“For quite some time now, I’ve gotten this nagging sense to make amends. I’ll admit I could’ve done things very differently. I’m asking you to forgive my cowardly ways. If I had divorced my wife, I would’ve lost everything. My kids were older than you and had never been apart from me. It was a choice between the three children who had me in their lives day to day. Or choose the child who never knew me. It was a tough decision with no right outcome. I’m ashamed to admit any of this to you. I’ve held this in for so long. I know there are no words to replace what you missed out on in life. You deserved to have a present father just as much as my other children. I hope you find it in your heart toforgive me one day. It won’t be easy, and I don’t deserve it, but it doesn’t hurt to ask,” John replied.
I took some packets of sugar out of the holder on the table. After stirring two into my tea, I took a sip. The meeting felt like a waste of time. I was numb to his apology.
“I’m not sure if I want to get to know you now. When I was a little girl, I wondered why God chose me not to have parents. It was hard after Mom died. My Nana and PopPop are amazing, but they didn’t replace my mom. I always hoped that one day you would come to get me. You never came. I just don’t think I need to open old wounds by having you in my life,” I explained.
I looked at John while his eyes watered, and he wiped them.
“I made a horrible decision all those years ago. When I found out your mother died, part of me died too. Part of me wanted to come get you, but how would I explain any of this? If you don’t want a relationship, I’ll respect your wishes. I’m just glad I got the chance to meet you,” he expressed.
“I forgave you a long time ago. My grandparents gave me a great life. I think, in life, we have to live with the consequences of our actions. Thanks for reaching out, but I think it’s best if I go,” I said as my chest tightened.
John didn’t move from his chair. He just looked at me with sad eyes. As I left the cafe, I wasn’t sure if I had made the right decision. At that moment, I couldn’t imagine anything keeping me away from Reign. No matter how he made it seem, he chose money and his other kids over me. If he really cared about me, he could have come to see me at any time. He sent the letter to my grandparents’ home, so he knew how to find me, so there wasn’t anything he could tell me.
I sat in my car all alone and felt my shoulders sag. The confidence I exuded as I left the café left my body. An ugly cry came over me as I loudly wept over the conversation, replaying it repeatedly while snot escaped from my nose. My eyes stung asI sifted through the car to find some tissue. The pain in my chest reminded me of feelings I had been holding in. I needed to let it go.
I’d never forget the nights I cried out because I had no parents, all the school dances, and parent-teacher conferences. It was hard growing up as the only little ginger-haired girl, but being the only ginger-haired girl with no parents made it even worse. I had to have thick skin because kids were cruel. I meant it when I said I had forgiven him, but I no longer desired to have him in my life.
I decided not to see Micah on my way home. While I was proud of myself for speaking up for myself, there was another part of me that was really sad. As I sat across from John, all I could think of was what my life could have been. Would my life have been any better if he were around? If he had been around, could my mother’s accident have been avoided? The questions continued to fill my head as I went back toward the house.
When I got home,I went straight to the barn. I didn’t want to go into the house with my emotions all over the place. Nana and PopPop had no idea I met with John; I didn’t share the meeting with them, because I didn’t want them to try to change my mind. If either of them had told me not to go, I wouldn’t have. School was closed, so Nana had a full day planned with Reign. I went into the barn, and Lucky snorted in excitement as he noticed me.
“Hey, boy, do you want to go for a ride?” I asked him. I grabbed my saddle and made my way over to him. After I put the saddle on, I gently ran my hands across his back, easing him out of the stall as we made our way out of the barn. Once we were in front of the barn, I mounted him. I took a deep breath as thecountry air filled my lungs. There was no destination in mind. I just needed to ride. The longer I rode Lucky, the better I felt.
I didn’t realize how far we had gone until we were about to pass our family cemetery. My first instinct was to ride past it as I previously would have. However, I felt compelled to visit my mother’s grave. I led Lucky toward the gravesite. When we reached my mother’s, I stopped. I dismounted Lucky but held onto his harness.
The last time I visited my mother’s grave was the day we buried Jude.
“It’s been a long time, Mommy. I finally met John today,” I said as I fought back tears.
