Shock rolled through me remembering the captain who had treated me horribly when I had first received my sentence. “But he?—”
“It’s all for show,” Otho assured me, somehow already knowing what I was referring to. “He lost his entire family in the Purge, including his older sister. He is more cautious than me even.”
This was a surprise considering I hadn’t known Otho was Seid until the night before. Also, because the Purge had mostly targeted Seid adults. But now that I thought about it, I had been fifteen at the time of the Purge, and the only thing I’d had akin to an older sibling was Collum, who had hidden beneath the bed with me. I grimaced as my nightmare surfaced.
“I can’t leave the front lines; it will be too suspicious.” Icouldn’t see his face from my current position, but I could picture the worry lines I knew were etched on Otho’s features.
“I can go into Ralheim alone.”
His grip on me tightened and I fought the warmth the buzz it left beneath my skin. My feelings could no longer be trusted.And he has Friar.I grimaced.
“Not going to happen. I just rescued you; I’m not sure how many more rescues I have left in me.”
“Then what do you suggest?” I didn’t mean to snap, but it was difficult with so little sleep and legs that protested yet another day spent on horseback at a breakneck speed. That, and what had actually transpired between Leif and I was still weighing heavily on my mind, and I knew I couldn’t talk with Otho about it. This wasn’t the life I had envisioned for myself at all. And Otho had his own relationship to worry about.
Otho and I were pressed so closely together that I should have felt uncomfortable with it, for Friar’s sake. But my body was in a state of comfort. Maybe it was because Otho and I had finally laid all of our secrets on the table, but I actually enjoyed his warmth seeping through my back—especially as he kept up a pace that would chill through even the thickest shawl.
“Maybe I can call for Friar, and she can go with you.”
My heart clenched at the name of the healer in Adis’s compound. But I knew there was no reasoning behind it, and I had to approach this just as I would any other conversation with Otho. “Is she Seid too?”
“She is. She’s a reader.”
Something about his tone sat heavy in the pit of my stomach. While I had the utmost respect for Friar, especially after she had mended my many Adis-inflicted injuries, I just couldn’t seem to come to terms with her relationship with Otho. Which was stupid considering we were nothing but friends of opportunity. Regardless, if working with her was the only way we would be able to recruit, I would do it. “I don’t really want to go back to Adis’s.”
“Understandable.” His chest rumbled as he spoke, vibrating against my back. “I’ll send for her when we return to the front lines.”
“She will be happy to see you after so long apart, I suppose.”
He let out a chuckle and my empathy magic flickered as I felt the amusement rolling off of him. “I suppose you are right.”
We stopped for a quick break to refill Otho’s waterskin, my stomach rumbling at the lack of food, but we had eaten all of his jerky the night before. I had grown soft spending the last few weeks living in luxury with access to food whenever I desired it. Something which immediately made me feel guilty for even taking what little of the jerky I’d had.
“I can hear you overthinking from here,” Otho called out from where he knelt at the side of the small stream, his sleeves rolled up as he dipped the skin below the shimmery surface of the water.
I don’t know what it was about Otho that made me want to spill all my secrets, but before I could think twice, I was sighing and explaining, “I just . . . I actually kind of liked it in Malheim. I know I shouldn’t . . . but it was nice to be myself and to have a bed and regular meals.” I felt my shoulders sink at the realization. For as mad as I was at Leif . . . Malheim had been nice.
He rose to his full height, closing the waterskin tightly before turning toward me, his eyes filled with warmth. “Don’t feel guilty. As I mentioned before, you lived a hard life. It’s understandable you would enjoy a reprieve from that, even if it involved a sad excuse for a man.” His tone grew increasingly angry throughout the sentence.
He climbed back up on the horse, reaching back to pull me after him. I don’t know why, but I felt the need to defend the way I had grown up. “That’s just it. My life as Milo’s other half wasn’t that bad.” I only saw a flash of his face as I faced forward on the horse, but I could have sworn there was anger etched there.
“Will you convince your brother to join the war?” His armsreached around me to grab the reins, flicking them, and the horse immediately jumped into action.
Even before he finished speaking, I was already shaking my head. “He’s suffered enough. He deserves a chance to live his life—hisentirelife.”
“I find it interesting you extend grace to him but not to yourself.”
The words were like a kick to my ribs, giving me so much to consider that we didn’t speak for the rest of the ride.
The skies opened and it was pouring rain by the time we arrived at the group of tents Adis’s men occupied on the front lines. The fat drops fall from the sky at a rate that made it impossible to talk, so Otho simply motioned to the tent that was mine. It hadn’t been that long since I had last been in the camp, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel everything had changed since I had last been here.
Most of all, me.
I tried to step cautiously, but it was impossible not to sink ankle deep into the mud, which was multiplying at an alarming rate. The rain would need to stop, otherwise we would likely have to move camp to higher ground—something I didn’t even think possible.
I peeled back the tent flap to find, miraculously, that all my things were still there from before my poor attempt at spying had gone awry, which had been over a fortnight ago at this point. I couldn’t tell for sure whether or not anything had been moved, but I couldn’t care less as I slipped off my muddied shoes and sank onto the cot in exhaustion. It was no fancy bed at Hansen’s that’s for sure, but my weariness was so complete, it felt comfortable for the first time in a long time—probably since I left my home with Adis all those fortnights ago.
I lay down and was just about to enter dreamland when I heard the ruffling of my tent flap.
