When I hesitated, he didn’t miss a beat, pulling me onto his back and wrapping my legs around his waist. “Hold on!” he shouted. How he wasn’t out of breath as he carried me around Heimland, I would never understand.
It wasn’t far before we reached a stone wall. Otho stopped, but instead of dropping me from his back, he pushed me up onto his shoulders, as if I weighed nothing, which was no easy feat because I knew I was not a small woman. I struggled to balance as his hands slid from my waist to my ankles. I had never stood on someone’s shoulders before.
“Grab onto the wall.”
I did as I was told, hoisting myself up before he had the chance to help me. At least my growing up disguised as a boy hadsome benefits. I’d been expected to climb trees and vault walls just like the rest of the boys in my class.
Once I was on top of the wall, I looked back to see dark figures entering the grass. They weren’t far behind at all. “Otho, hurry,” I whispered.
He didn’t even glance back as he jumped and hoisted himself up and over the wall in one smooth motion before dropping down the other side. Then he held his arms open for me. “I’ll catch you,” he promised.
I didn’t question it. I jumped, landing in his arms as promised, even though I nearly knocked him off his feet, and we were off once more.
We didn’t have to run long, before I caught sight of a horse tied to a tree. Otho didn’t hesitate as he ran straight for the rope. “Climb on.”
I followed his directions, and just as I was settling on the horse’s back, he swung up behind me, his arms coming to wrap around my waist right as he flicked the reigns, urging the horse into a gallop. It took everything I had not to fall off the horse as it accelerated.
By the time I was able turn back to look behind me, the stones of Hansen’s compound were just specks in the distance, and I didn’t see anyone on our tail.
CHAPTER 29
Ididn’t know how much time had passed when we finally stopped, but the sun had long left the sky, and the horse was covered with a thick layer of sweat from having to run so hard with two people on its back. I slid off with care, reaching back to whisper my thanks.
My legs ached, shaking with my first few steps. I wished I’d had the salve I developed just for sore muscles like this, but with no other alternatives, I massaged the back of my thighs, trying to release the tension.
Otho moved as if in a trance, his moves slow but precise as he collected wood, lit a fire, and pulled rations from the pockets on his belt. Not knowing what else to do, and having no skills to offer, I leaned back against the nearest tree, fighting to keep my eyes open as I wrapped my arms around myself to stay warm.
Once a fire was roaring, he sank down next to me. “We will head back to the front lines. We can stop and see a healer in Salheim on the way.”
The kindness in his words was obvious, but a healer wasn’t needed, and I told him as much. “He didn’t hurt me. You intervened before he could.”
He stood, the action so sudden I was instantly moreconfused, and started to pace. As his steps attempted to wear a path into the dirt, my apprehension rose.
“I was following you for a while.” He stopped his motions, his face contorting in a way I hadn’t seen before. “I was both trying to gain intel, since I was there anyway, and trying to find the best time to steal you back. But the door was always guarded . . .” He trailed off, and though he hadn’t said the words yet, horror rose in my gut as I realized what he was about to say.
“I was outside the window. I saw . . .” His hands clenched into fists as he struggled to maintain his composure. “I saw that you . . . slept with him. And you didn’t take an anti-fertility potion, and I don’t think?—”
I held up my hand, my heart breaking at watching the gruff general, who was everyone’s enemy, try to broach this topic with me. “There is no need. I sterilized myself before the Purge.”
He opened his mouth, probably planning to argue, but then he dropped to his knees on the ground, anguish marring his features, reaching for me before realizing what he was doing and pulling his hands back. “Wh-what?”
I frowned, though this topic had once been painful for me, I’d had a decade to come to terms with them. “My parents . . . before the Purge.” I sighed. “They knew something was coming. They didn’t know Adis’s father was coming for the adults, they thought—” I pinched my eyes shut. “They thought perhaps something more nefarious would come, and they were so desperate to hide my gender . . . they had me sterilized.”
His mouth hung agape.
Nervous, I continued. “Men . . . are cruel. They were worried that I would be attacked, even as a male, and . . . the risk of pregnancy was just too great. I’ve . . .” My lip turned up at the corner as I came to the part of the story I was proud of. “I’ve always had an . . . affinity for potions, and I was able to adjust the fertility potion to be . . . permanent. It was my choice.”
His eyes searched my face, and I knew he didn’t know whatto say. Collum hadn’t either when I had first swallowed the purple liquid, which had changed my life.
“But . . . you still bleed . . .”
“I know.” I shook my head at my parents’ stupidity. “I’m great with potions, but I’m not a master. While I still have the monthly bleed, everything else associated with having a child, all of the other symptoms that tell a woman she is fertile, they’re gone. I am—was working on the potion to rid myself of the menses when Adis came to my home.”
Otho appeared to be in a state of shock, shaking his head as he searched for words. He started too many sentences only to stop and shake his head.
Finally, I decided to put him out of his misery. I set my hand on his arm. “It’s okay . . . really. I never thought I would have children anyway—with the ruse and all. Pregnancy isn’t something that can be explained, and . . . I would have to remain in hiding for far too long—not that I would have been able to get to that point with a man with the ruse anyway. I’ve known for a long time and it’s . . . it’s part of me now. Instead, I can devote my gifts to where they really matter—like stopping this war.”
He moved closer to me, the moons revealing the way his hands shook.
