“You’re very welcome,” Eleanor said, but something in her tone seemed distant, and now that Cadence was closer, her friend did seem a bit distracted…
“Everything okay, El?” she asked, pushing aside her own worries for the moment.
“Oh, yeah,” her friend said, not entirely convincingly. “Tell me more about these plans.”
Cadence decided to loop back around. Eleanor clearly wasn’t ready to talk just yet.
Unfortunately, her own mental space wasn’t much of a mood-lifter.
Maybe sharing would help though.
“I just remember the days where organizing the gallery felt like less of a chore and more of an… adventure,” she said.
The thing she didn’t add was that the difference between those days and now was that, back then, she’d had Tyler helping her. Even after Izzy was born, they would work together all day after dropping their daughter off with her doting grandparents. It had felt almost like a holiday. Tyler and Cadence would get some much needed ‘them’ time, and Izzy would have some grandparent time.
But now…
Now, Cadence had to do it all alone.
The thought struck her like a blow to the chest. Would her heart ever stop aching when she thought about the state of her marriage? Whether she evenhada marriage anymore?
“Maybe I’m not as young as I used to be,” she said, trying to cover up how deeply her pain went. “All this hauling stuff around…”
“Honey,” Eleanor said sympathetically when Cadence trailed off. This tiny bit of kindness was enough to cause tears to spring to Cadence’s eyes.
“It’s just so tough,” she said. “I look at you, and I think about how you’ve made things so amazing for yourself since your divorce, and then I look at myself?—”
“No, no, honey, no,” Eleanor said, looping an arm around Cadence’s shoulders and giving her a warm, sideways hug. “Comparison is the thief of joy. Our situations might have some overlap, but they’re different. Your pain isyourpain. Don’t give yourself a hard time for feeling it.”
Cadence buried her face in her hands. “Oh, El,” she said, her voice damp and wavering.
“Don’t cry,” Eleanor said. “If you cry, I’m going to cry… nope. Too late.”
Cadence leaned her head against Eleanor’s. “I’m a mess.”
She felt Eleanor’s sigh. “Oh, sister, I’m right there with you.We’remesses.”
Cadence stepped out of the other woman’s hold. “Okay, spill,” she demanded. “You can’t get away with ‘it’s all fine’ any longer.”
Eleanor rolled her eyes, but she already seemed a little lighter. “It just these darn permits!” she said, voice spilling over with frustration. “They make me feel bonkers! And then I feel bonkers for feeling bonkers, because it’s just paperwork. So I tell myself, ‘Eleanor, just start working through it,’ and then I try to start and I get so overwhelmed!”
Cadence found it was her turn to offer reassurances.
“Paperworkisjust paperwork,” she said. “But is also something that can make you want to pull out your hair. It’s always more confusing than it needs to be, and each form has its own weird name and purpose. So, if you’re feeling bad about feeling frustrated, you shouldnot. Because I know I feel that frustration all the time. Diana does too. Goodness knows we’ve complained about it often enough. So next time you’re thinking bad things about yourself for feeling any dread, imagine you’re saying it to us, instead. I promise you’ll end up being a lot kinder, a lot more generous.”
“That’s really good advice,” Eleanor said with a small smile. “Are you a mom or something?”
“You know what? I totally am.” Both women laughed.
Eleanor sighed in a way that sounded like she was unburdening herself. “Maybe it is just a matter of being kinder to myself, but I am facing just a touch of self-doubt recently. Like maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.”
“Oh, I am facingmorethan a touch of self-doubt,” Cadence admitted. “The idea of facing my future on my own? It’sterrifying. And it’s…”
“Sad,” Eleanor supplied. “You’re grieving.”
“I mean, he didn’tdie?—”
Eleanor shook her head, cutting off Cadence’s words. “No, a person didn’t die, but the vision you had for your future? Thatissomething you lost. The feelings you’re going to have around that are going to be complex. And that’s okay. Give yourself some generosity. Be lenient with yourself.”
