Tears surprised him, heating his eyes as they sprang to existence. He blinked through the prickling sensation in his scalp as he worked to keep them hidden.
The sun shifted, the distinct colors of the room muting to speckled grays in the afternoon dusk.
“She said she wants to try again. She said she loves me.” His throat tightened as he remembered her expression that morning.Aren’t I here now? Dealing just fine?
“And what’d you say?”
“I told her there was nothing between us.”
His mom studied him, pressing down the spot of hair that always lay against the grain of the others. “Some imperfection is a bit endearing,” she said, looking at the errant wave.
“Christ, Mom,” he exploded, stabbed by the impossibility of what he couldn’t have. The source of his emotions hurtled sixty miles an hour away from him, her feelings growing cold faster than Caleb’s motorcycle could take them back to the city. “I’m a double amputee. I’ve got one hand and one leg. Do you think sensitive Orchid is going to find that freakin’ endearing?”
His mom remained calm despite his outburst. Betsy and George slunk out to the kitchen. He was glad that his cousins and Lucy were nowhere to be seen.
“I don’t know Orchid as well as you do, but do you think her experiences could make her more empathetic about all that?”
“Remember I had nightmares during those early days in the hospital?”
“I remember. You didn’t talk much about them.”
“I dreamt I was crawling through a fire and no one would help me,” he said, obscuring the details about his family’s imagined callousness. “Except Orchid.”
“You see?” she asked. “You knew even then that Orchid cared for you.”
“In my dreams, Mom, she saved me from the fire, yes. But she did so at her own expense. She threw up looking at me. She carried me . . .out of pity,” he spat.
“I didn’t know,” Mom said. “I’m sorry.”
Her stare reminded him of the desperation in her eyes as he’d fought to regain the small slips of independence in the early days—transferring to his chair, eating independently, and dressing.
“You know that’s just a dream, right?” she asked.
“The dream feels more real than reality. Like that’s what’s going on for her behind all that fake bravado.”
She lifted his hand, warming it against her cheek. “No, honey, that’s what’s going on foryoubehind all your bravado.”
The room empty, alone with his mom, real tears came. “I’m scared, Mom. Scared to try, and then she’s going to figure out that this sucks.”
Veronica nodded. “You know what I’m scared of?” she asked softly. “I’m scared you’re letting that train take more than it already has.”
CHAPTER 53
WHO’S LEAVING WHO
Phoenix
MONDAY APRIL 1
“Hell of an Easter weekend,” Phoenix said from behind his desk.
“Oh yeah? Bunny forget to bring your basket?” Dex flicked a wrist to pop balled paper into the air, then caught it.
“Orchid showed up with Caleb.”
“What do you mean, ‘showed up with Caleb’?”
“I thought the same thing at first, that they were together. Turns out he was doing her some favor, because she wanted to talk to me.”
