“How about you start from the beginning,” I say and turn my body to face him. He mirrors my position and takes my hands in his.
“I can’t tell you when my feelings for you started, because I honestly don’t know. At this point it almost feels like it’s natural. Like it’s something that justis. I honestly never planned to act on them, though. I was content to just have you as a friend, to watch you from a distance. It might be weird and fucked up that I obsessed over you, but to me that just feels like the most natural thing in the world.
“Then that night at the club when we were talking and then you invited me somewhere quieter… I just couldn’t say no. I didn’t have it in me to deny you, not when you are the one and only thing I’ve ever wanted. The only person I’ve ever desired.”
“You’ve never wanted anyone else?” I ask with a furrowed brow, and he gives me a confused look.
“Of course not. It’s always been you. How could I touch anyone else, let anyone who wasn’t you touch me, when all I could think about was you? It wouldn’t be right to them, to me, or to you,” he states simply and my mind blanks for a moment before my brain catches up.
“Noah… are you saying that you were a virgin before that night in the club?” I ask, the idea absurd.
He gives me a look that screamsduhand says, “Why would I fuck someone else when all I’ve ever wanted was you?”
I blink at him, completely baffled by the revelation.
Holy shit, Noah was avirginbefore that night.
That night was incredible, yet he had no experience before that.
“We’re getting of track,” Noah says, and I decide to table that line of thinking for later. I nod for him to continue, and he does.
“Anyways, I had planned for that night to be a one-time thing, but I underestimated what the reality of having you would feel like and what it would do to me. That night was my tipping point, and I know that I hurt you by lying to you and concealing my identity, but I wouldn’t take it back, Gracie. I don’t regret a single second of what I did, because it got me you. If you’re looking for an apology, you won’t ever get one from me. Not for that.”
I stare into his eyes, and I can see the conviction in them. He doesn’t regret it at all and honestly, neither do I.
How could I, when having him makes me feel the way it does?
How could I regret a single second of him when he helps me feel free? When he helps me be myself. When he’s shown me a whole other part of myself that I didn’t even know existed.
I can’t.
I clear my throat. “I realized it was you the day that I… uhm, the day that I confessed to you in my dorm and you told me toshow youwhat happened,” I whisper and feel my cheeks heat at the reminder. “In the moment, you called me love and I recognized your voice and the way you said it. I really have no idea how I didn’t piece it together sooner, but when I heard you say that, it was like everything hit me at once.
“There were things that seemed too convenient that I overlooked, the familiarity of the man in the mask and some other things. Even the sound of your voice without the modulator didn’t clue me in, even though it sounded familiar. I think maybe I had been in denial about it for a while, and that was the final straw. I was angry and confused and hurt, but I also felt things for you—both versions of you, but I was also overwhelmed by how much anger I felt at your betrayal.I wanted to hurt you, the way you had me, which was why I suggested dating,” I say with a shrug and avert my eyes. “But then, even though I was still beyond pissed at you, I couldn’t stop those feelings, and I found myself wanting you, no matter what you had done.”
“And the note? The texts?” he asks, and I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I felt so fucked up, Noah. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was hurt and confused and angry. It felt like you were playing with me, and I wanted to do the same to you. Eventually, that anger started to fade and my feelings changed, but I carried on the ruse because I was hoping that the messages would make you come clean with me, though this wasn’t exactly the way I had envisioned it.”
I nod and he squeezes my hands in his.
“One thing I will apologize for is sending that picture to Cole,” he murmurs and cringes. “That was out of line, but I was out of my goddamn mind, and it was only when the first of his punches hit me that I really started coming back to myself.”
I snort. If that was all it took, I should have just slapped him and saved us both a whole lot of trouble.
“Well, at least he knows now,” I laugh, but it’s a little dry. Itisa good thing that my brother knows about us now, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about not only my relationship with him, but Noah’s as well.
“True, but I’m still sorry,” he whispers and leans his forehead against mine.
I hadn’t even noticed that while we were talking, our bodies had automatically gravitated towards each other, like two magnets attracted to each other and unable to keep away.
“Okay,” I whisper. I’m not going to tell him thatit’sokay, because it’s not, but I’m glad he can see his wrongdoings and own up to them.
“What now?” he murmurs, and I sigh.
Isn’t that the eternal question.
“Now, I guess we just go back to how things were, this time with the truth out there and no more secrets between us. But I swear to God, Noah, if you ever try and pull anything like this again, it’ll be the end of us.”
