“It was exactly like that.You must think I’m totally stupid.For your information, I stopped thinking about you a long time ago.You were the one who came back, ruining my plants, hurting my mate.”Ernest showed his teeth.
“Incidentally, thank you for the introduction.If it hadn’t been for your stupidity, I might never have met him.But no, you knew landing in my field was a bad idea, and that was before the police handed you a restraining order forbidding you to do it.If you had thought about me at all, you would’ve known those fields were freshly planted this time of year, but you didn’t care about that.You didn’t care about the seasonal nature of my work.You didn’t care about anything except yourself.”
Ernest was building up a head of steam, and he could feel his elephant and Toby’s bird urging him on.“Did you honestly think a blowjob was going to make me drop my court case against you?Was your head so far up your own ass that you believed that if you showed me five minutes of something resembling a mediocre time, that I would immediately call the police and tell them to drop the charges against you?That I’d tell them that I misunderstood, and it was all a bit of harmless fun?You caused malicious damage, and you’re going to pay for every single plant that was lost.”
“This is going to cost me my business.Even if I sell the balloons and everything else, there won’t be enough there to pay for what’s owed.”Pierre had the whole act down perfectly—the hint of a tear, the desperate expression, even his handwringing, which were artfully placed so Ernest couldn’t ignore the bulge in his pants.“Ernest, please.I can’t even hire a lawyer.”
“Then suck one,” Ernest said bluntly.
From the flush on Pierre’s cheeks, it was clear he’d already tried that tactic.But clearly, whoever he’d gone to was either happily mated or wasn’t interested.
“You’re not getting away with this,” Ernest continued.“I think that’s your problem.You’ve never learned the meaning of the word consequence.You’ve gotten away with everything from what I can see.You totally upend people’s lives.You’re still driving the car you stole from me.
“So no.No more.Do you understand?I am not changing my mind.And, because you’ve dared to fricking come onto my land and act like you own it and me, I am going to make your problems worse.I am going to help my sweet Toby—the man who truly cares about me—to pay for a lawyer so he can sue you for damages as well.You caused him to be flung from your balloon, hitting his head and requiring a hospital stay and time off work.You’ll be paying for that too.”
“Clearly, the only reason that bird has anything to do with you at all, is because they suffered a head injury,” Pierre said nastily.“Anyone in their right mind wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot barge pole.”
“And yet, here you are,” Ernest shook his head, taking care not to dislodge Toby.“Sleazing your way back into my good graces like you mean something.Guess you’re not in your right mind either.”
Ernest realized something in that moment.Yes, he’d been lonely.Yes, he’d made a mistake.There was a time when he thought he loved Pierre, but he realized now that he was just being gaslit, time after time.And it was all thanks to Toby that Ernest realized he could now have a mate who cared about him, who wanted him, and who would do all he could to help him.Their mating was a two-way street—the way a relationship was meant to be.
“You need to leave,” he said.“You’re already breaching the trespass notice that I have taken out against you.It applies to every single inch of my property.You have no right to be here.So in Rick’s words, fuck off.”
“You can’t do this to me.Look, we need to sort this out.”
Pierre was starting to look a little sweaty.Ernest wondered what other trouble he might be in.A slight brush of a beak against Ernest’s ear reminded him that none of that was Ernest’s concern.
“If you would just drop the charges, I promise I’ll never come near you again.I’ve got so many bills, and I can’t pay…”
His words were drowned out by Toby’s screech.I got the message, my mate.
“You’re not getting any money from me.I’m not giving up my court case.As I say, you will find new charges will be laid by first thing Monday morning, because I’m gonna pay for Toby’s lawyer so he can take you to court and sue you for damages.And I wouldn’t go thinking that you can try and get the owner of the Bucket List Buddies company to bail you out when the law clearly states you’re responsible for all damages caused by your balloons.Aww,” he added as he saw a quick flash of emotion on Pierre’s face.
“Did you think I didn’t know how rich and well-connected that business owner is?Did you think he would come in and save you, and maybe help you out of some other shit you’ve got yourself into as well?I wouldn’t bother.I have a dozen witnesses who will all support the fact that you had no right to land the way you did that day, or where you landed that day.
“You didn’t have to do any of this,” Ernest said, and it was the one thing he didn’t understand.“I forgot about you months ago, and yet clearly, I’ve been living rent free in your head from the day you left with my car.Which…” he paused thinking about what came next.“Toby, would you mind going over to Rick’s hands for a moment?I promise he’ll be gentle, but there’s something I need to do.”
Rick opened out both palms, so Toby’s bird could sit in there.“Don’t go pecking me,” Rick said.“I’m not into that sort of thing, and I’m on your side, remember.”
“Now, let’s have a word about my car, shall we?”Ernest rolled his shoulders.
“You put it into my name,” Pierre said, eyeing him cautiously.“So, it’s not your car, it’s mine.”
“I still pay the insurance on it,” he lied outrageously.“And oh, dear, the only one who will receive any payout from any damages done to it will be me.”
Ernest felt his elephant surge forward.He didn’t bother getting undressed.There was no way he was giving Pierre a show.But unlike Toby, who tended to get caught up in his clothes when he shifted, when Ernest shifted, his clothes just got shredded.Within two seconds, his elephant stood where he had been.
He didn’t care about his clothes.It was Toby’s move-in day.The day when his future was supposed to be assured.He and Toby were going to live happily ever after, surrounded by loving friends and maybe having a family of their own one day.His elephant was desperate to meet his mate, and Ernest was happy for that to happen.But first he had to take out the trash.
Letting out a huge trumpeting sound to the sky, Ernest started plodding towards Pierre.Pierre was backing up, scrabbling for the car, but he’d make a really dumb move if he got in it, because Ernest’s elephant was determined to reclaim that vehicle.
With one kick, he smashed in the back door.And then he went round the back, wrapping his trunk underneath the bumper, ripping it off, and tossing it aside.The back of the car was his next target—his trunk making huge dents in it, before he could get his leg up, stamping on the mangled metal.
There was a flutter of wings on his head.It was Toby’s bird, and he was egging him on, his wings flapping as he squawked like crazy as Ernest methodically made his way around the car.Every panel was dented, the bonnet was smashed, and even the top was smushed.Now that he’d created himself some spots to stand, Ernest was determined to stomp all over it.As he trumpeted his victory from what was the roof of the car, the tires and the suspension gave out, and the whole car sagged to the ground.
Pierre shrieked, “How the hell am I meant to get home, you overgrown beast?I haven’t even got money for an Uber.”
Ernest wasn’t going to shift back to talk to him.He didn’t want anything to do with Pierre anymore outside of the legal system.With Toby on his head still encouraging him, Ernest lifted his trunk again, plodded his way off the car, and picked up speed.
