I drop another piece of cheese, just to keep the peace.
“When is the cake?” the boy says in the loudest whisper possible, breaking the hush. There are a few stifled laughs.
We get through a touching poem read by Lucia in the same way, with intermittent cheese, and the priest’s reading from the bible. When it’s too long between cheese pieces, Alpi taps me on the leg with his paw to remind me that he’s there, and the most important part of this wedding. I quickly accommodate him, because he’s obviously stressed by this whole event, and I don’t blame him. It’s a lot for me too. Also, this dress is borrowed and must be really expensive, and I do not want to have to explain that I was stingy with cheese and therefore Alpi destroyed it.
Which is fine until I reach for the next bit of cheese, and there’snothing.
Alpi watches my purse, clearly expecting more treats.
“And now, the wows,” slurs the priest, and Dante visibly winces.
Alpi is getting increasingly frustrated with me. The paw slaps get more insistent.
“For richer and poorer,” the priest intones.
“Who are Richard and Cora?” stage whispers the little boy, and is shushed by his parent, but he’s not wrong.
“In sickness and in health.”
Alpi jumps up with both paws, and that’s fine. I subtly move to push him off.
But he’s latched on.
And then he begins to hump my leg.
With energy.
I’m frozen in horror. I have no idea what to do. Drag Alpi away? But that will draw everyone’s attention, which is still focused on the happy couple as they make their intimate vows.
Alpi is digging his side claws painfully into my lower leg, and is thrusting like he’s starring in a doggy porno and making up for my lacklustre performance.
“I promise to always hold your hand,” the groom says very sweetly.
My cheeks go red.
Humiliatingly, this is the closest to sex I’ve ever been, and it’s a horny dog with my calf, in a borrowed dress.
The bit with the rings is coming up, and if I’ve dragged the ring bearer off for being a sex-pest, I’ll ruin the whole thing, everyone will be annoyed with me, and I’ll have messed up yet again.
I stay put, and hope Alpi tires himself out. Soon.
As soon as he’s been the ring-bearer, I’ll slip away and find an appropriate object for Alpi’s lust. Or give him a cold shower.
I don’t know why, but I glance up at Dante just as he turns his head, noticing the sound.
His brows tighten as he sees my—no doubt panicked—expression, then slides down to Alpi, who shifts to get a better angle on my leg.
“You are my light in the darkness, and my ship in the storm,” the groom continues.
I have to do something, but before I can tug on Alpi’s leash again, Dante sticks his foot out.
For a second I think he’s lost his mind.
“You give me strength.” The groom’s voice is full of sincerity.
Then Dante’s elegant leather shoe slips under Alpi’s back legs and lifts him an inch from the ground.
Alpi continues to hump enthusiastically, even with a total lack of dignity or traction.
