“I’m on my way right now. You worried about the wrong shit. She’s out with her sister, and if she calls, I’ll ignore it and say I fell asleep.”
My heartbeat jumped into my throat. That familiar twisting sensation in my gut turned into a queasy feeling.
“Bae, you gon’ see when we fuck that I’m gon’ cum fast as hell. I haven’t had sex. I don’t want to fuck her big ass. My dick won’t even get hard.”
Torn between busting in the bathroom and beating his ass or leaving, as he continued disrespecting me, I chose the latter. Turning on my heels, I walked out of the house stunned. All the signs had been right there. If all the red flags were a snake, they would have bitten me. Refusal to acknowledge what I knew deep down inside didn’t make the scenario any less true. He wasn’t attracted to me anymore, and he was cheating.
There I had it. The answers to all my questions. It was pretty safe to assume there would be no living together, no marriage, and no kids. Taking my anger out on my car, I slammed the door. The sound activated my tear ducts, and tears spilled over my eyelids. Of course, I would cry. Two years of my life down the drain. Something that I couldn’t control was enough for Jeremiah to decide I wasn’t good enough for him and seek satisfaction elsewhere.
There were times I was naïve, nonconfrontational, maybe too docile. But never in life would I ever beg a man to be with me or forgive him for words as vile as the ones that Jeremiah spoke as he degraded me to another woman. I would cry, get it out, and get over it. It had been ten years since my last heartbreak. From the age of nineteen to twenty, I was with a guy named Terrell.When he was killed in a motorcycle accident, I was devastated. For at least a week, I couldn’t eat. All I did was cry and sleep. No one could make me believe that my life wasn’t over and that I’d ever be happy again.
It took a few weeks for me to start feeling even slightly normal. When I would go out in public and men would approach me, I would actually get offended. After a year, I went on dates here and there but for seven years, I remained single. My focus was on getting a license to do nails and opening my own shop. When I met Jeremiah, I was so used to being single and meeting losers that I didn’t have high hopes. Jeremiah pursued me relentlessly and came correct in every sense of the word. After a few months, he wore me down, and we started dating exclusively.
Jeremiah was an accountant, and he made decent money. He wasn’t rich, but his bills got paid, and he took me on dates, trips, and did nice things for me. Despite being on the short side, he had light brown skin, a low cut with a hairline that was starting to recede, and he was trying to hold on instead of just cutting it off and going bald. Jeremiah was an average clean-cut type of man. He wasn’t Idris Elba fine or basketball player tall. He wasn’t muscular or fit, but I loved him. Knowing that he didn’t feel the same after I gained weight was disheartening.
As I drove, it felt like everything I drank at the bar was going to come up. Pulling over to throw up wasn’t something that I wanted to do, so I concentrated on keeping the contents of my belly down. When I got home, I undressed with tears streaming down my face. Two whole years. Two years and four months. I was at home crying while he was in between another woman’s legs. The visual of Jeremiah stroking another woman’s walls made a sob push from my throat. Naked and disgusted by the sight of my own body, I refused to look in the mirror. With myhead down and feeling more pathetic than I ever had in life, I stood in the middle of the bathroom and cried until I threw up.
I laid in bed until the absolute last minute. Melody told me more than once what time she was coming to get me and more than anything, I wanted to back out. Melody had been invited to a cookout by a guy that she was dating, so she would know at least one person there. Knowing my sister, though, she’d be pissed if I didn’t go. Closing my eyes as if that would help me summon the strength I needed to make it through the day, I counted to ten in my head before peeling myself off the sheets.
My appetite was nonexistent, and I was annoyed with myself for even being bothered. No matter how bad I wanted to be heartless, I just couldn’t be. I had feelings, and they were beyond hurt. As I was brushing my teeth, my phone vibrated against the bathroom counter. The moment my orbs landed on Jeremiah’s name on the screen, the urge to throw up came back. He had called me three times prior, and I ignored each call. According to the time, he should have landed in Louisiana, and I was sure he wanted to know why I hadn’t answered the phone. He could sweat a little while longer because I didn’t have anything to say to him.
I heard everything that I needed to hear, so there was no need for conversations or closure. I had a few things at his house, but I didn’t want them. The clothes, shoes, and other personal items that he had at my home would be placed in a box, and he’d better thank God that I didn’t burn them. Never again would I step back inside his home. I was going to change my locks and place the box on my porch whenever he decided tocome get them. I didn’t want to see his face or talk to him. There was literally nothing left to say.
After taking a shower and moisturizing my skin, I dressed in an olive-colored skirt and a black tank top with black sandals. It was hot outside, and I refused to be hot as hell trying to cover up my insecurities. I had already disgusted the man I was in love with, so I really didn’t care about anyone else’s opinions. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I realized that even my face was chubby. Tears filled my eyes as I took in my caramel-colored skin, brown eyes, and light freckles.
My entire life I had been told that I was pretty. Despite a little weight gain in my face, the pounds I ‘d put on didn’t affect my looks much, but I still felt ugly. Borderline gross. Every time my thighs rubbed together, or I answered a facetime call from a certain angle and saw my double chin it bothered me.
“No wonder Jeremiah was turned off,” I chuckled while using the back of my hand to pat my tears away.
Melody texted me that she was on her way, and I kissed my teeth. All I wanted was to be alone and sulk. The next day, it would be back to work and the real world, and I just wanted to take the day to wallow in my pity. Being at a cookout filled with laughing, talking, happy people wasn’t going to be fun for me. Prayerfully, Melody wouldn’t mind if I told her that I only wanted to stay two hours max.
“I got us something,” Melody sang as I got in the car. The moment we locked eyes, her smile disappeared. “What’s wrong?”
Melody and I were nine months apart. We had the same father and different mothers. Our mothers couldn’t stand one another until we were around six but before that, our father made sure we grew up close. He had six kids by five different women. I had relationships with all my siblings, but I was closestto Melody. We didn’t even grow up in the same house, but she knew me like the back of her hand.
“I really don’t want to talk about it,” I murmured as I took the bottle of tequila from her hand. There were two empty, plastic cups in the cupholder, and I poured a hefty amount of tequila into one of them.
“Well, that’s not going to fly. I want to know what’s wrong. I can tell you’ve been crying. What did that fuck nigga do?”
She was pissed already and didn’t even have details. I couldn’t do anything but burst out crying because she had been right all along. Every time she said Jeremiah wasn’t my soulmate and that she wanted better for me I got upset. To my knowledge, he’d never cheated. He didn’t put his hands on me or disrespect me, but Melody swore he wasn’t it for me. I loved him, and he loved me. I was confused as to how she came up with that conclusion but now, it didn’t even matter. She had been spot on.
“Rhapsody,” she stated slowly. “I’m ready to say fuck that cookout and go to somebody’s ass. Who did it?”
“Jeremiah,” I choked out. “I went to his house last night, and he was in the bathroom on the phone. He was telling some chick that he was about to come over, and he was telling her that he hasn’t had sex with my big ass because I don’t even get him hard.” I absolutely loathed the taste of straight tequila, but I took a big swallow.
“Ohhhhhh bitch!” Melody reacted exactly how I thought she would. She was just like our father. Pretty toasted almond skin, light-brown eyes, and thick brows. Melody stood five-foot-four and was on the petite side, but shorty was a ball of fire.
“He better be glad he’s in Louisiana, and I put that on everything. I’m gon’ get some niggas to beat his ass. Talking about you big?!” she drew back. “That nigga needs a B cup bra! Thin hair having ass nigga.” Melody was fuming.
My face contorted as I tossed back more alcohol. The second swallow burned my throat, and I searched the car for a chaser. A plastic bag sat at my feet. It contained one bottle of orange juice and one bottle of mango juice. Reaching inside the bag, I grabbed the bottle of mango juice and shook it up before opening it. Once I mixed the drink, I took another sip and tasted it. Much better.
Melody took a swig straight from the bottle and passed it back to me before backing out of my driveway. “Have you talked to him?”
The next sip of my drink had me feeling warm and a little more relaxed. My cup wasn’t empty, but I decided I needed more. “Nope,” I reached for the bottle and removed the top. “He’s called a few times, but I haven’t answered. There isn’t anything to say.”
“Good,” her head bobbed as I set the bottle down and picked the mango juice back up.
“I know I don’t have to tell you this because you’re smart but Rhapsody when you cool off, don’t forgive him. You’re an adult, and you have to do what makes you happy. But I need you to know that you deserve so much more.”
