ANTHONY
“YOU GOOD, BRUH?”
I nodded but wasn’t going to use my voice. Things were going well with the game but I had my mind on other shit. My talk with Money’s ass earlier didn’t do shit for me. Well, it did for the moment, but as time ticked on what was a damn good game I just wished it would end.
I ran a kickoff back and that shit had me hype. I swear I felt ‘Phro’s love wash over me the second I started to doubt myself. Some people would think it was crazy, but I wasn’t about to doubt the power of connection. I’d seen too much where I was from and knew she was praying over me without a doubt. When that lane opened up out of nowhere I knew it wasn’t nobody but her and Silas in the suite praying over me as always.
I took a deep breath and blew it out quickly, nodding my head to keep myself hyped up for what I needed to do. I’d been planning this shit for a minute and I wasn’t about to fail just because I was having these feelings of being unworthy of all the good things that had happened to me this year.
“I’m good, big bruh.”
“You still doin’ it tonight?” Cho’s ass should’ve been on the bench sitting down but he’d stopped playing at the start of the third once he got another touchdown. The team was cognizant of players who had contract numbers to hit but they were also ensuring that everyone had time to shine. Antwan, like everyone else, had eyes on ensuring we made this playoff run so I was grateful that his day was done and so was mine.
“‘Twan, I’on’t even know if I can talk about it. Shit feels like I might jinx it if I do.” I started working my neck back and forth as the sounds of the crowd got louder. We were both observing the game since we didn’t have to be in on huddles and formations. I mean we probably should’ve been but he wasn’t going to leave my side with how I was talking. Silas and ‘Phro weren’t the only people I had connections to in the stadium. Antwan was like a big brother and a daddy rolled in one so he knew when I was stressing. He’d been with me along every step on this journey, even when he had to let me fall, so his lookin’ out was never taken for granted.
“You crazy as hell, my boy. That girl loves everything about you so ain’t shit you can jinx when it comes to fate. Look at how bad I fucked up with Sunshine and she gone give me a son next year.” I glanced up at my brother and the smile on his face was so wide I had to wonder if Rye was already pregnant. She hadn’t said anything about wanting or not wanting a kid so anything was possible. Hell, their even being together and having a successful marriage was proof that miracles happened every day. We took a step back as the coaches needed the space closer to the field and the crew for the broadcast crowded the sideline. Finally, finding a spot closer to the benches, I went through everything for tonight again in my head before an errant thought popped in it.
“Your ass gone have nothing but girls you know that, right?”
He shrugged and his grin got wider. I knew he was thinking about Annia because she could do no wrong in his eyes. “Shit, as long as they healthy I’ll be a girl dad for real. Ain’t like I ain’t already raised a boy before wit’ you. And ain’t a nigga that’s anything like me coming near my girls. Fuck that.” ’Twan’s face frowned at the thought of whoever’s imaginary son coming near his daughter. His big poutin’ ass even crossed his arms and mean-mugged the air like it was doing him wrong.
I hit him in the chest with the back of my hand and he looked down at me like I’d lost my mind. “How youusedto be. You ain’t the same dude no more.”
My brother’s face broke back into a grin like he’d almost forgotten he wasn’t a fuckboy anymore. I could understand because it’s easy to forget that you’re better than you were since being completely healed was probably a fallacy.
“You right. And neither are you. You’ve proved that shit to everybody but mostly to yourself. You ain’t gotta sit here and wonder if you’re good enough. You always have been, you just finally stopped listenin’ to that shitty voice in your head that sounds like Jill’s ass.” He folded his arms across his chest annoyed and I understood the feeling completely.
I could only chuckle hearing her name because that lady couldn’t leave well enough alone. Despite the hell she’d caused all of us she was honestly trying to get me or ‘Twan to get her a lawyer so that she could beat the charges we helped put on her. I wasn’t sure if it was audacity or if my mama had been on that shit and we just didn’t know it.
Definitely might have a crackhead for a mama.
With the way she’d had to fight for survival her entire life, I almost wouldn’t have blamed her until she started fucking with us. The few times she’d called we just ignored her but then she started to harass Billy at her office. Billy was happy to tell Jill to go straight to hell and to request that she no longer have access to us since we were technically victims of her attempted blackmail. It had been blissful silence since then but I never relaxed when it came to her. Unc had warned us both that desperate people did crazy things so we braced ourselves for her next move. Thankfully, we knew we had the support to handle it if she tried something again.
“That lady won’t ever be the voice inside my head again. I’m happy that we started talkin’ with Doc and shit. It helps me when I feel like none of this is supposed to be for me.”
There was a turnover on downs and now the offense was getting ready to go back out on the field. The entire lineup was backups and I was sure that Grant was somewhere reading a book just biding his time until he could get back to Lyric. Coby was talking with Stew, probably giving him fatherly advice since his youngest son was six weeks old. That or they were talking strategy for the next defensive series. For a man who said he wasn’t sure about moving into coaching, he was far too interested in it and the game to just walk away cold turkey. Only time would tell, though.
“And he gets your mind right when what I’m saying to you ain’t enough.”
I knew ‘Twan wasn’t angry at me seeing Doc since he was the one who first told my ass to go. But I needed him to understand that needing additional help didn’t invalidate the affirmations he always spoke over my life. I wasn’t about to let his ass off easy though. Our mutual trauma made us too fucking funny for me to stay serious for long.
“You’re my brother, you’re supposed to be nice to me. I’m your blood.”
I’d taken up talking to Doc about what we’d gone through and it was with the encouragement of my brother, Money and Jacoby. Men I considered having their shit together made it clear that no one was too big to keep their mental healthy. The moments I felt like I was living someone else’s life despite how much work I’d put into this. I was glad that we’d gotten through what we had to make it to this place. I wasn’t sure we deserved it, but we’d worked hard as hell to get here and neither of us was backing out of the spots we’d earned.
“And as your blood you ain’t about to be out here reppin’ the family wrong. We already got to overcome the blips in the bloodline that birthed us. You not ‘bout to make me look bad, Ant.” He stared at me like I had him fucked up and he was about to get me straight. I couldn’t help but laugh because this nigga was such a fool.
“Not my mental health being an affront to your reputation and shit.”
“The only reputation ‘round this bitch that matters is the love of my family and how my success on the field helps provide them the life they’ve always dreamed of. Everything else don’t matter. And since you out here maxing out incentives, you’re about to sign a crazy fucking deal next year. I’d say you doing everything you should have.”
The hard exterior of trauma faded away as his words sunk in deep. “Thanks for believing in me, Choo.”
He put an arm around me, football funk and all, and embraced me. No matter how old I got his hug would always shore up my spirit.
“I’m proud of you, baybeeh. Not just for this football shit. You did the work to make yourself better. That’s always gone keep me in yo’ co’ner.”
“‘Preciate that, ’Twan.” He dapped me up but when his face broke into a grin I knew he was about to say something crazy. His ass had been serious for too long so it was right on time.
