But the moment I chose to sacrifice myself… that was different. That wasmine. No prophecy, no command, no guiding hand. Just me, making the call.
And now, here in this strange in-between, I understood something I hadn’t before:
I was still waiting. Still hoping someone else would decide for me. Still afraid to bear the full weight of choosing.
This place existed because I created it, not with magic, but with fear. A fear of stepping fully into myself. A fear of what it might mean to lead my own life instead of following where I was told to go.
But no one was coming to rescue me. No onecould.
The way back wasn’t something one waited for. It was something I had tochoose.
And I had to be brave enough to risk it.
To rise, to return, and to live a life that was mine, even if I failed.
As soon as I had finished that thought, the fog around me seemed to clear.
My hands were shaking and my breath was faltering. I rubbed my hands together, they were numb, the sharp pain in my stomach radiating into my legs. Panic was gripping me now, my face was tingling and my mouth going dry. I tried to control my breathing but all I could do was take short and shallow breaths.
Dizziness took over, it felt like the world was spinning out of control. I wanted to run away, but I didn’t want to move. I needed to sit still or lay down, but as soon as I did, I could feel my heart beating in my chest so fast that I thought it might explode.
I was sweating, but not from the warmth around me, but from the erratic beating of my heart. I was well aware that I was having a panic attack, but I didn’t know what to do about it. Everything I had ever known to be true about my life and my heka had been turned upside down.
As long as I could remember I had been told not to use my heka for myself, to hide who and what I was. Even as an adult I had never truly been able to shape my own path and looking back now, it had always been the Fates and the prophecy which had guided me through life.
Now I was all alone, with no one to show me the way.
And while that should have made me feel free and independent for the first time in my life, all I felt was terror. Because I had made so many wrong choices in my life. Choices that cost people their life. Could I truly trust myself to make my own choices again?
That’s when I heard a rustle of paper, as Theo’s note slipped out of my pocket and fell to the smokey ground. I picked it up, the paper already crumbled from me reading it over and over again.
I wasn’t made to save anyone else anymore.
This time, I would save myself.
This time, I would chooseme.
Chapter 42
Maelis
Icontrolled my breathing as I stepped onto the Luminaris.
The Veil was pulled over me, and I saw the familiar flashing of lights around me.
I tried to focus on Theo then, trying to will the Pathways to lead me straight to him.
I saw the temple come into focus, but the Pathways lifted me higher until the Lodge came into view. The Pathways didn’t slow down, I kept climbing higher and higher and I knew then where we were headed: the Veilstead.
It made sense for him to be there, the house in the mountains was his sanctuary.
The Luminaris slowed down and I came to a halt.
I didn’t lift the Veil straight away because I needed a moment to think.
What could I possibly say to him?
How would he react to seeing me?
