***
The next two days pass in purgatory. I lie in bed, half-alive, a ghost tethered to my own thoughts. Memories claw at me, visions I cannot escape, everything I should have said, everything I failed to do. Shadows of the future press in, suffocating, filled with loneliness and the weight of a life I can’t untangle.
I rise only to take my pills, to swallow water, the barest flickers of survival. Beyond that, I do nothing. There is no point in moving through the world when it feels like it has closed its doors on me.
All I want is to curl up in Asher’s arms, to feel the warmth that could burn away the relentless cold gnawing at my chest. Yet even as I stew, I cannot stop the pull he has over me. Every thought of him is a knife and a balm at the same time. I hate it. I hate that I need him, that I want him. But try as I might, try as I scream at myself in the silence, I am drawn back to him. Always.
The darkness is not just around me. It’s inside me, coiling and whispering, and still, amidst all of it, he is the only thing that feels real.
If it were Deena or Piper in my shoes and telling me they crave a man that tied them up and interrogated them, I would think they were crazy. Trust me, I would be judging them left, right and centre. But being in it is different. I don’t want to shut him out. A part of me understands, and it’s that part of me I am trying to ignore a little longer, keep the anger alive. Make him suffer just a little more.
Today is a different story however, Corden called and told me if I don’t shower and come to breakfast, then he will be forced to smash my door down, and with the smell in here, I would rather not have any visitors.
I let the warm water from the handheld shower head wash over me as my mind works overtime. If Marlowe was a part of all this, then where did she go?
Did she have to go into hiding because the boys figured her out, or did she get taken herself? Was it as a punishment for Piper being taken back?
There are still so many unanswered questions, and the main one still stands. Where is Marlowe?
I used to have a feeling attached to it that held onto fond memories we shared, my mind trying to give me a reason to keep searching for her even though those memories were very few and far between.
Now though, with knowing she was a part of this sickening group, I want to find her so I can make her pay for it all. Pay for the daughters, sister and friends lost, to the pain she put Piper through and the futures she stole.
When I find her, she will wish she never stepped foot in Marrowton Academy.
I fill myself up on the revenge I will inflict on her, the payment she is due, as I get ready for the day. A newfound determination in my mind. I can keep my feelings out of this arrangement with the others, I need them and their connections to get where I need to be.
I open my door and take a step out, only to nearly face plant the opposite wall when I trip over a lump on the floor.
“Woah, careful,” Asher’s voice echoes in the corridor as I pull myself right again. When I meet his stare, I immediately give myself a minus point for once again melting at the mere sight of him.
He tied you up. He tied you up.I repeat to myself before straightening my spine, faking abhorrence.
He is dishevelled. His uniform is wrinkled, and his stubble is the longest I have ever seen. Dark circles ring his eyes, and his skin looks a little dull. He hops up from his seated position outside of my door. Has he been here all night?
“What are you doing here?”
“I was waiting for you. Can I walk you to the dining hall?” His voice is hopeful.
“No,” I walk past him. His feet shuffle behind me as I quicken my pace.
“Ruella please,”
I keep walking.
“Please. Please, can I have a minute,” He begs.
I turn on my heels so fast he almost runs straight into me. I lift the sleave of my cardigan and check my watch.
“One minute. Go,” I order.
He looks a little flustered, so I give him an extra five seconds.
“Can we start over. No bullshit. No lies. Just us taking things slow,”
“I think it might be a little late for that. 45 seconds,”
“I know I hurt you when I promised to always be there for you. There is no one on this planet angrier at myself, than me. I am disgusted at my reaction, and I know it might take a while, if ever, but I want to rebuild that trust between us again. I need you to understand that there is no one else for me. You are it. It is you or no one. So, I can take whatever you throw at me, however long it takes. You are worth it,”
