“Oof, what the hell?” I call out, rubbing my ass that has just hit the pavement.
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention and I—” the voice stops, a voice I know well, one that I’m actively avoiding. Seems like the universe has other plans for me today.
Dixon. Of course it’s Dixon. It always comes back to fucking Dean Dixon. He’s part of the reason that I’ve been distracted, the other parts being the anniversary of Mom’s death and the championship. My mind is thinking abouteverything all at the same time, and it’s affecting my performance.
Dean extends a hand out to me, but I shove it away, standing up on my own. “Watch where you’re going, Dixon,” I shout, albeit a bit too loudly. He winces at the use of his last name, like I’ve wounded him. The name tastes bitter on my tongue. I guess he’s gotten as used to me calling him Dean as I have.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you. My head was…somewhere else.” We lock eyes, but he instantly looks down at his shoes, no quick comeback, no use of my last name, just sadness. Not something I’ve ever expected to see from him. I have the urge to apologize, to wrap my arms around him and to tell him it’s okay. Then I remember what he did, and I think maybe he should feel like this for a while, but it hurts to see him like this, too.
“Obviously, like other parts of your body I’m sure,” I snap. His green eyes wash over me, those same eyes that I’ve been lost in, like hiking through a forest without a map, but you don’t care because the view is incredible. That shaggy hair that can’t seem to pick a direction that my fingers itch to rake through. I shake my head.
Get a grip. You’re mad at him.
With the look that he’s giving me, it just makes it so hard to be mad at. He seems genuinely remorseful, but how can I get over that he lied to me? I don’t say anything else, just turn on my heel.
“Wait, please. Can we talk?”
I don’t want to. I want to storm off and hide away from the world. My feet seem to grow roots, halting my steps and forcing myself back into his green gaze.
“Well, what?” I ask, crossing my arms across my chest like a shield.
“You have every right to be mad, and I would understand that even after I explain things to you, you’d want to neversee me again. I shouldn’t have lied to you by omission.” He holds my gaze, his glassy from the tears forming there. “After that night, all I could think about was you. I thought by not telling you since we were benefits only that I was keeping you from getting hurt. I realize now that I hurt you more by lying about it. I should have known that, given what you told me your ex did to you. But I was selfish in wanting to keep you only for myself. I’m so sorry, Regan. Truly, I am.”
My heart is pounding in my ears at his confession. This is a true apology, not like the ones that my ex gave me when he cheated. I think that’s why this hurts so much; it feels the same way. I need time, space away to think about everything and if I can continue to do this. To be just benefits with Dean, or is there more? Could there be more if we want to? Would he want to?
All the questions I can’t answer. I need time to figure out what this means for me and for whatever we are right now.
“I appreciate your apology, I just need time,” I say, my tone serious.
He takes a step away from me, receiving the message. “I understand. Guess I’ll see you around, Regan.”
Tears sting my eyes at the sight of him walking away, his head hung low. I know this is what I need to do in order to figure things out. I walk into the RV a mess and Dad instantly pulls me into his arms. His embrace makes me release all the tension in my shoulders I’ve been holding.
“Hey, kiddo. What happened?”
I sniffle into his chest, just as I had when I was kid and missed Mom. “I’m not ready to talk about it,” I say, still soaking his shirt with my tears.
“Alright, go get cleaned up. I’ll be making dinner soon.”
I take a shower and get into my pajamas, still upset but feeling a bit more human. I’m doom scrolling when a text from Leslie comes through.
Leslie
Hey. I saw you talking to Dean. Everything ok?
Me
Define ok
Leslie
Are you still mad at him?
Me
I want to be. I feel like I should be
Leslie
