“I’m so sorry, Daniel. This is all my fault. I should have been there.”
It plays on repeat in my head. Even as my parents reassure me it’s not my fault. But it is my fault, I wasn’t there. There’s a weight in my chest, and I can't breathe. I fall to the tile floor, knees hitting the surface hard, and then…I wake up.
I shoot up into a sitting position and take in my surroundings. I’m not in my own space. I’m still in Regan’s RV on the pull-out couch. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and will my heart to slow.
The door down the hall creaks open, followed by the sound of footsteps padding closer to me, sitting down on the mattress next to me.
“Are you alright?” Regan asks. Her voice is so gentle and without judgement, just concern. I’m still breathing heavily when she takes my hand and strokes the back of it. I close myeyes and slow my breathing, her touch bringing me back into reality.
“I’m fine, just a bad dream. You can go back to bed.”
“I get them, too, sometimes,” she whispers as she cuddles under the covers with me. She tucks herself into my side, and her sweet vanilla scent brings me back from the hospital smell of my nightmare.
“You do?” I ask, pulling her in tightly, like she’s a life raft and I’ll float away if I let go.
“Yea. It’s usually memories of the day I last saw my mom in the hospital with my dad. How much I wished I could take her pain away, but keep her with us as the same time.”
A sniffle and a hand comes up to wipe her face from a tear that has escaped. I nod. I know the feeling. I wish there was more I could have done to prevent what had happened that day. Deep down, I know I couldn’t have known, but I was supposed to protect him.
“It’s my fault,” I finally say, filling the dark room. “I should have been there, and I wasn’t. I was too busy racing somewhere else that I didn’t even know what happened until the race was over. By that time, it was too late. He invited me to that race, and I could have seen him that weekend, but I chose my own career over seeing my own damn brother.”
In the darkness, Regan’s gaze is hot on my skin. No pity, only understanding. She knows what this feels like. To have someone you love torn from your heart, knowing that hole will never be filled again. Daniel can never be replaced, and Regan’s mom can never be replaced. I lost him and my parents all at the same time, albeit in different ways.
“You couldn’t have known. Even if you were there, you couldn’t have saved him. Every time we strap in behind the wheel, there’s a risk. Even with all the new safety features, there is so much risk with what we do,” she says. I know she’s right. I can’t talk about this anymore. I pull her in as tightly as I can, and we fall back asleep in each other’s arms.
TWENTY-SIX
REGAN
In the morning,I feel Dean untangle his limbs from mine after I climbed in next to him after he woke up from his nightmare. A nightmare from the night of his brother’s accident. I don’t know what compelled me to crawl under the covers with him and cuddle the rest of the night. But it was—nice.
I’m half asleep as he gathers up his things, but I think he kisses me on the forehead and says, “Thank you,” before he leaves. The door closing pulls me fully out of my sleepy haze. I force myself up to make some coffee and breakfast, do a little yoga and stretching, before getting suited up and heading out to the hauler. I’m on my way out the door when my phone pings.
Dad
Good luck today. You’ll kill it
Me
Thanks Dad, it’ll be a good day. Hope you’re feeling better
Dad
A little. Some time on the couch was much needed
When I walk into the hauler, Shoulderman is already waiting for me to have a meeting before opening ceremonies.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Ready.” Or as I’ll ever be. “What’s the plan for today?”
“Pay attention to the track changes early. With it being a green track, it can get a bit crazy out there. Keep us posted on how the car is handling. Communication is key for today.”
That’s going to be the main focus of everybody today. Without rubber already on the track from cars driving on it, a green racetrack makes how the cars will handle unpredictable, and it will cause problems for everyone today.
Shoulderman brings the rest of the crew in for a meeting before we all go out on the pit lane to get ready for opening ceremonies.
I grab my helmet and gloves and walk onto pit road to my car. I’m pulling on my gloves when I notice Dean talking to Taylor and Chase. He’s listening to them, but looking at me, taking me in. He scans me, sending a shot of heat between my thighs.
