Clara huffed out a weak laugh. ‘Yeah, he was. I didn’t see it at first. I thought he just needed support, you know? I kept telling myself it’d get better. It didn’t.’
‘How long were you with him?’
‘Three years. Too long. I finally ended it during the football World Cup. That’s when it got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore.’
‘I’m glad you got out.’
‘Me too. I promised myself I wouldn’t settle for someone like that again. I just enjoyed being single for a while… until, well, you-know-who came along.’
Sam nodded. ‘Kerr.’
‘Yup.’ She tapped her finger on the table. ‘At least he was nice. I thought he was the answer. Turns out he was just… well, a different kind of wrong.’
‘I’m sure the right person exists for you.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. There’s other stuff.’ She smirked at him. ‘I’m not exactly selling myself, am I?’
‘You don’t have to.’ He increased the pressure on her hand. ‘I’m your friend. I don’t want anything from you that you’re not happy to give. I’m not exactly in a good place for relationships,’ he said. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m dead inside.’
‘I know what you mean. It’s been a long time for me too. I feel like a rusty old piece of machinery now.’ She looked up at him. ‘I haven’t been with anyone since Fergus. Is that pathetic?’
‘No.’ Sam leaned back, letting out a breath. ‘I’m the same. My life is too messy. I never want to start something in case I have to leave. I’m so tied to Olive’s job. She works in the performing arts, and she travels around with theatre companies. There’s not much stability. If I want to be with the boys, I have to go too. I would hate to disappoint someone by starting a relationship that may go nowhere.’
‘Oh god.’ Clara let out a sigh and took hold of his hand. ‘That must be so hard for you. But it makes so much sense to me. And I can relate. I know what it’s like not wanting to disappoint someone.’
Sam nodded. ‘I’m sorry you feel like that too. But why do you think you’d disappoint someone?’
She gave a little shrug. ‘I’m not sure it’s something I want to talk about here.’
‘Ok, but if you ever want to, I’ll listen.’
‘Thank you, Sam.’
From what he’d heard before, he suspected it was fertility issues. He understood why that would make her feel less worthy, though he wished it didn’t. She was valuable just the way she was.
He drained his glass, eyes roaming the room. ‘Shall we make our way back?’
‘Yeah.’
They found Dominic and Astrid, exchanged their goodbyes, and slipped out into the night. The air was cool now and quite pleasant. As they walked along the narrow pavement toward the track leading up to the cottage, the silhouette of Hawthorne House loomed against the sky – dark windows glinting faintly in the distance.
‘That’s well creepy,’ Clara murmured, edging closer.
Sam smiled and slipped his arm around her shoulders. ‘I’ll keep you safe, little fake date.’
‘Aw, I know you will, big fake date.’ She leaned in, arms winding around his waist. Her voice softened. ‘This is what I miss about relationships… physical contact.’
‘Me too.’ He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze, feeling her warmth through the thin fabric of her dress. For a moment, he didn’t want to let go. Then, half-laughing, half-nervous, he said, ‘Although… I just realised something. I’m not sure we can really take our only-one-bed situation to the next level.’
Her head snapped up. ‘Why not?’
‘It’s not that I don’t want to.’ He gave a low, awkward laugh. ‘Believe me, I do. But we need to be safe, and I’m not exactly prepared for this kind of thing. I don’t carry anything with me, and it’d be crazy to—’
‘I bought condoms.’
He stopped dead, blinking at her. ‘What?’
‘In the hotel bathroom. There was a machine and… well, I thought, just in case. Oh god, this is so embarrassing. I’m glad it’s dark. You must think I’m insane.’
