‘And what about when I’m working?’
‘You can pay for childcare.’
‘My god. I never thought that you, of all people, would be so selfish.’
His fist, not holding the phone, balled. How could she call him that? But this was the story of their relationship. She always made him feel like he was in the wrong.
‘I’m not being selfish. But I do have to consider my own health in this. I’ve found a forever home. The boys are always welcomehere. You’ve always made it blatantly clear that I’m not their “real” dad.’ He air-quoted even though she obviously couldn’t see him. ‘So, I have no rights or legal say in their future. But I know my relationship with them is strong enough to get through this. They’re both getting older.’ Which meant she wouldn’t need someone to mind them. And there was every chance she’d attempt to cut the connection then anyway.
‘Fine. If that’s your choice.’ The way she said it sounded almost like a threat.
‘It’s what I’ve discussed with them, and they’re both onboard. They’re not overly happy with the idea. Moving around all the time isn’t a bundle of laughs for them. And speaking as their father, which really, Olive, is what I am in everything but genes, I would like it if you took a more active interest in their needs and opinions before you move again.’
‘Excuse me? How dare you? You’re telling me how to raise my kids.’
‘Our kids. Because I’ve been there every step of the way.’
‘There’s no way you’ve done as much as me.’
‘Maybe, but I’ve done as much as I can. As much as I’ve been allowed to.’
‘Oh, listen to yourself. But you know with my job I can’t guarantee where I go next.’
‘Of course, I get that. But it’s not my problem. I can’t be a slave to your choices anymore. I’ll always do what I can for my sons, but that doesn’t mean being at your beck and call.’
‘I’m not listening to anymore of this.’
The phone went dead, and Sam stared at it, suddenly aware of how fast his heart was pounding. Almost immediately the old sense of guilt crept in, poking at him and making him replay the whole conversation. Had he been cruel? Was he selfish?
Maybe all of this was wrong.
His insides shrivelled further when he saw no response from Clara.
Returning to the living room, he caught his mum’s questioning eyes the moment he stepped through the door. One small shake of his head was all it took for her expression to soften with concern.
‘Who were you talking to then?’
‘Olive.’
‘Oh… what did she say?’
He gave a little shrug, his heart still feeling bruised and achy. ‘Nothing pleasant.’ He’d really done it now. She might want to restrict his access to the boys, and that thought was agony. At least if Clara was here, she would talk to him. Help him understand.
Where was she?
He needed her back. Safe. In his arms. That was it. That was everything.
He crossed to the window again. Rain poured down in relentless sheets, hammering against the glass. Somewhere outside, a siren wailed – faint at first, then rising in pitch as it drew closer. A spike of dread shot through him. His throat tightened. What if that was connected to her? What if she’d been in an accident?
His mind scrambled through possibilities, none of them good. He wasn’t usually like this – he prided himself on being steady, rational. But the conversation with Olive had unsettled him, and not knowing where Clara was had become unbearable. The sound of that siren dragged him backward through time, straight to another day filled with waiting. The same heavy silence in the room. The same glances between his family members, who didn’t dare to say what they feared most. He could almost see himself sitting there years ago, a young manwith clenched fists, staring at the door, hoping for news that never came.
That long night when his dad didn’t come home.
The memory struck hard, almost winded him.
A gentle hand landed on his arm. ‘Don’t fret, love,’ his mum said softly. ‘I’m sure Clara’s just got held up somewhere.’
Sam nodded, but the reassurance didn’t reach him. The heaviness in his chest wouldn’t shift. Too many things were happening in there. ‘Maybe you should just head off and not wait,’ he muttered.
