“Lucille!”
No…that voice…I’ve heard it before.
The memory flashed across my mind as Forsythe ran to me, and I was reliving that night…back in fire.
What is this?
My dad ran to me and held my body close, shielding me from the fire. “Stay with me, Lucille!” He was wearing his plaid shirt, but I couldn’t see his face.
Dad?
“Lucille!” The smoke cleared as the memory faded away, and kneeling before me was Forsythe.
Reality settled all around me and I realized where we were.
“Lucille—” He struggled to speak. “How did?—”
“You promised!” My throat burned from the pain I felt. “You said no more lies! No more secrets!”
Forsythe looked at me with a pained expression. “I’m sorry—I–I didn’t know what to say.”
“You could've told me the truth!” He removed his jacket and tried to put it on me, but I shoved it away. “No! I don't want your help! I just want it all to make sense!” I smacked myself in the face, grunting as I slammed my fists into my head. “Why can’t I remember?”
He grabbed my wrists to stop me from hurting myself. “Enough, Lucille!” I tried to yank free from him, but he only pulled me in closer. “Stop it! Stop punishing yourself!”
“No! It should’ve been me! Don’t you get it?” I stopped and stared up at him as he held my wrists tight. “I was the one who drove drunk and wrecked. And when they brought me home, I threw a fit. Like a child! I used my mental health as an excuse to lash out and I hurt so many people.” I struggled to speak the truth I kept buried away for almost a decade. “Had I not run away into this barn…had I not knocked the kerosene lantern over…or–or dropped my cigarette!” I bawled my eyes out. “Then my dad would still be alive!” My body hunched over as I sobbed into Forsythe’s chest. “It should’ve been me that night!”
“Don’t say that. You hear me?” He raised me up. “You want the truth? Fine. Here it is. Your daddy loved you more than you can ever imagine. I’ve never seen a man so devoted to hischildren. And all he ever wanted was for you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for something out of your control.”
I shook my head. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. It wasn’t your fault, Lucille.”
“Even if the fire was an accident, he still died trying to save me!” I struggled to breathe.
Forsythe gritted his teeth. “If anything, his death ismyfault.”
“What?”
He hung his head low. “I was nearby that night, taking a late walk to clear my head. I had heard you and Memphis arguing, and instead of walking away, I got closer.” He paused. “I knew I shouldn’t have listened in, but the pain in your voice…the way you were shouting…the absolute rage and anger buried in your words resonated with something inside me. I could feel it all as if it were my own. It reminded me of the way I felt before I killed my dad. And it frightened me. Not because of what you might do. But because I knew your soul was just like mine. Tortured and afraid of being alone.” His eyes met mine. “I should’ve gone inside to talk to you, but then I remembered who I was and how much you’d always hated me. And like a coward, I walked away. Had I stayed, maybe, just maybe, I could’ve saved you both.”
“I–I don’t understand. I may not remember everything, but I remember my dad’s shirt. The plaid one he was wearing.”
Forsythe sighed. “By the time I noticed the fire, Ms. Nellie and Boone were already rushing towards it while Cooper and the others ran from the bunkhouse. I knew I was the closest one that could do anything. And as I ran to help you, I saw your daddy on the roof. He noticed me and shouted for me to save you. So, I rushed in. There was a decent-sized hole torn into the wall towards the back from Wimberly that she kept messing up. I had to peel it open enough to fit inside and it felt like forever, but I finally made my way through. By the time I stood up andrealized how bad the fire was, your daddy was standing on top of that splitting rafter beam telling you to close your eyes. And then—” He hesitated, fighting back tears. “I watched him fall.”
The memory of that exact moment flashed behind my eyes.
“I panicked, Lucille. I ran straight to him, trying to help him…but he wouldn’t let me. He told me to save you instead. And when I tried to ignore him and help, he grabbed my arm and made me promise him I would do everything in my power to save you. That I needed to promise him I would spend the rest of my days protecting you and your family.”
Tears poured down my face.
“I tried to argue, but he was too damn stubborn. He took that old plaid shirt off his back and handed it to me to protect my face from the smoke. And I did what he asked. I got his daughter out of there. I only wish I could’ve saved him too. So you see, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. Stop holding onto that pain and let me carry it for you.”
My body shook with emotions. “I–I don’t understand.” Thunder boomed above us in the sky. “Why…why would he say something so–so stupid! Save me?Why?”
“Because he loved you, Lucille. He knew the sacrifice, and his death was worth saving you.”
I shook my head. “No it wasn’t! My life was not worth the cost of his!” My body bent over as I cried my heart out into his lap. “It should have been me,” I sobbed.
