My hands gripped the steering wheel, squeezing hard as I felt my eyes water. “No.” I tried to push those negative thoughts away as I fought back the stinging tears. “Stop it. Stop thinking that way, Lucille. Remember your steps.” I took a deep breath. “One…two…three…”
Let the emotions roll over you, like a wave. Don’t hide them, but know they will pass. This will pass. Just breathe and keep counting.
“Eight…nine…” My eyes flickered to the right as I drove past the large city sign. The image made my entire body tense. It was as if time had suddenly slowed, and I was now face to face with the old, hand-painted image of my father. The likeness was overwhelming perfect, captured during his riding days. And just above his smiling face read the words I spoke aloud as I slowly drove past. “Welcome to Purgatory Creek, Home of Professional Bull Rider, Memphis Limmerick.”
Dad.
Time suddenly resumed in the world and I exhaled, my body slumping forward. Old feelings I had kept tucked away suddenly began to slither and creep up my spine as if my inner demons were trying to pierce through.
Fuck. This is going to be harder than I thought.
I shook my head and straightened my spine. “You can do this, Lucille.” I hit the button on the radio to play a random station, letting the music carry away my thoughts as I drove the memorized route, and lost myself in the music.
Time flew by, and before I knew it, the sun had fully set. I turned down the old, familiar path and slowly followed the dirt road until I finally reached the old ranch gate. As I stopped the car, I stared straight ahead as the headlights illuminated the metal gate. It was an odd feeling, seeing it again after so many years. For the most part, it looked the same as it did the last time I set eyes on it, only the lettering along the ranch sign seemed smaller than before. And maybe, a different color? “Strange how memory can make things seem different than they really are.” I stared at the gate, wondering if it had always been that color or if I had just imagined it differently. “Nah.” I scoffed. “I was gone for almost ten years; hell, I’m just old now.” I joked to myself. “And who cares? It’s just a gate.” I reached my arm out the window and typed the code into the keypad. The light blinked green and I smiled. “Some things never change.” I sat back in the car seat and watched as the metal gate slowly swung open, pulling a cigarette from the center console and lighting it. “Bone Ridge Ranch.” I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the warm smoke. “Damn,” I exhaled. “It’s been a while.” I put the car into drive and drove past the gate and down the long, winding pavement.
Here we go.
I anxiously smoked the cigarette while driving down the old road, traveling across acres of my family's ranch. I felt such contrast in the waves of emotions as I continued to drive. There were so many good memories here, ones branded across my heart, while others were glimpses of things I’d almost forgotten. But none compared to the rush of what I felt as I drove past the barn. My stomach tightened as my entire body shivered. I had to force my eyes away, too overwhelmed by its presence. It wasn’t just an old, burned-down barn. No, it was the skeleton of the very demon that haunted me every minute of every day. Thereminder of why I ran away and left this life behind. The reason why, no matter how much I tried, I would never heal.
My free hand squeezed around the steering wheel as my palms began to sweat. I tried to focus on driving, but my head felt light, and all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeat, pounding within my ears. “Fuck,” I groaned. I smoked the cigarette some more, driving a little faster, determined to reach the old house soon. “Almost there,” I whispered to myself. I drove past the old bunkhouse on my way and noticed the lights were still on. But what really caught my attention was the dark silhouette of someone standing outside along the fence, smoking.
That’s odd…I don’t remember any of the ranch hands being smokers. Especially after?—
“Ugh! Stop it! You don’t need to think about that right now!” I shook the thoughts away, speeding up even more.
It didn’t take but a few minutes to reach the house, which was sitting just up a hill. The home was eerily quiet and dark. Hell, I would’ve missed it had I not known it was here.
It almost feels wrong being back here.
Smoke clouded around my face as I exhaled heavily. “Well, there’s no turning back now.” I turned the engine off and sat in the car, listening to the nightlife as they sang their evening songs. Despite the peaceful sounds, I was stuck in a clouded aura of pure anxiety. “You can do this,” I quietly tried to assure myself. “Just one step at a time. Take it one step at a—” I blinked, and suddenly, the image of my father appeared like a ghost in the night.
No…it can’t be. Can it?
I jumped out of the car and stared straight ahead. “Daddy?” He stood there on that old porch and smiled, and I felt my heart flutter. The very image of him made my eyes burn as tears swelled in them. “Daddy…” I choked back a rush of emotions,nearly stumbling over in disbelief. I had to blink from the overwhelming amount of tears, and when I did, he vanished. “No!” I rubbed my eyes, again and again, desperately hoping that he’d reappear, but he never returned. And the brief flicker of warmth I felt vanished, returning my heart to the same heavy sadness that held it captive before.
I gripped my head before wiping my eyes. “Get a hold of yourself,” I grumbled as my body shook from the emotions. It hurt to resist them as they swelled within me, and I struggled to contain my composure. “Fuck, what is wrong with me?”
It’s not real. It’s not real!
I tried to smoke my cigarette, but my hands trembled too much. Instead, I threw it down angrily and stomped it out with the toe of my boot. “Breathe.” I exhaled, closing my eyes. “Just breathe.” The night air surged through my lungs and lifted me. I allowed the comfort of the familiar smells and sounds to take over, replacing all the negative things I was feeling. “One…two…” The prickly pain I had felt slowly faded and my body relaxed. Years of therapy came rushing back to my consciousness as I tried to recall all the ways I could combat this moment. I had spent so long healing what I could, and standing here now, facing the ghosts of my past, I felt…ashamed.
My head raised and I glanced at the old house. “This is going to be harder than I expected.”
With all my resilience, I grabbed my luggage and headed up the porch steps to the front door. “Mom?” I knocked, dropping my things down. No one answered. “That’s weird.” I reached out and tried to open the door, but it was locked. “Mom? Hello?” I knocked again, but she still didn’t answer. “Mom!” I stepped back and approached the front window, peering inside. “Mom?” It was so dark and quiet inside.
I stepped back and looked around. Her old car was parked next to Boone’s truck. “Maybe she’s asleep.” I pulled my phoneout and noticed the time. “It’s not that late, she should still be awake.” Using the flashlight on my phone, I walked around the wrap-around porch, the old wood creaking as I headed to her bedroom window and noticed the curtains were drawn. “Mom?” I knocked against the window a few times, but still no answer.
There’s no way she would’ve slept through that. Maybe she’s out on a walk?
I tapped my phone and pulled up her contact information, hitting the call button. The phone rang for a bit, but she eventually answered. “Hi baby!”
I felt relieved to hear her overly cheerful voice. “Hi Mom. Umm, where the heck are you?” I looked around, listening to the crickets chirp in the night. “I’m at the house, but the door’s locked and it’s dark inside. Can you let me in?”
Her loud gasping broke through the phone and hit my ear. “Oh biscuits! I didn’t think you’d get there so quickly! You never were one to be on time.” She giggled and my cheeks burned at her tease. “I figured you’d just come out over the weekend since you’re always so busy.”
That felt like a jab.
My face hardened. “Yeah, well, I’m here now. Where are you?” I asked, trying not to sound too annoyed.
