"God," he grunted before running a hand through his hair. He was decent, but his shirt was untucked and his belt was still open.
"I'll handle it," I told him, waltzing to his door expecting Clayton. I buttoned my shirt on the way but didn't have it quite finished or tucked in when the door sprang open and Penny walked in. Her eyes went wide, and her cheeks flushed dark pink, but she stood there staring at me while I stared at her and frantically tucked my shirt in.
I smelled like sex, and my hair was no doubt messed up. There was no confusion between us as her eyes dropped and she asked, "Is he okay? I got this memo from Clayton and I came to check on him."
"I'm fine, Penny," Asher growled, but the tone of his voice revealed he was very much not fine.
I felt a little embarrassed as I pushed the door shut again and whispered, "He's not… I could use reinforcements…" Carrying the weight of this man's sobriety on my shoulders felt like an impossible task.
Who would calm him down when I wasn't here? Who would talk him back from the ledge when he found out what I'd done? If Penny was a source of encouragement and stability, I had to push her toward him. I knew I couldn’t be his only source, because I knew the storm that was about to hit that Asher would never see coming.
Penny's eyes took me in from head to toe and she sighed and looked away. Then she turned away from me, like she was ashamed of me for using my body to help Asher calm down, and stomped over to his desk.
"Now, Mr. Locke, I think we both know your brother is up to no good. Let's not let his antics disrupt your peace…" She dived in, babying him by forcing him to drink some water, getting him a tissue, and reminding him that his belt was undone. Every so often while I stood there chewing my cheek she looked up at me, but I got the feeling she understood. All I wanted was to help him, and all he wanted was for life to stop kicking him while he was down.
It made the fight to hold back tears that much worse.
Because I knew the biggest enemy he had to face was still out there coming for him, and there was no way for me to stop it.
23
ASHER
The sky overhead was overcast, a gunmetal grey that threatened weather. I could care less as I stood over the small patch of grass that grew over Emma's grave. For twenty minutes I'd been here staring, clearing the dirt and sticks off this little plot and making sure every dandelion plant was uprooted.
I didn't come here very often. I wasn't one of those people who visited the graves of loved ones to talk to them, or at least, I never had been one. But I didn't want to go home and be alone. It felt like punishment after a day like today where my own brother betrayed me yet again. To have to go home to an empty house that was supposed to be filled with warmth and affection, the scent of things cooking in the kitchen and the patter of little feet toddling around.
Emma was always there for me when I got home. She'd rush to the door and wrap her arms around me. I'd pick her up and spin her around and set her down and kiss her gently. And now I walked into a soundless vacuum where my heart went to die. Where I went to drink myself to a stupor and get lost in my emotion.
Those patterns had remained the same for the past two years. More than seven hundred and eighty days of doing the same thing on repeat and I was trying to break that habit now to stay sober instead of going home to drink.
"God, I miss you," I said to no one in particular. Or maybe it was to Emma, if she could hear me. But saying it out loud felt comforting, not as comforting being with Veda was, but it took a bit of the edge off my emotions.
I crouched, putting myself closer to the tiny headstone I had created for our little one. Tears streaked my face as I dusted the top of the tiny gravestone off and finally felt myself break.
"Emma, you know… God… You'd know exactly what to say. Wouldn’t you? I mean… you always knew Clayton was a very broken man. Now look at us both." I sniffled and wiped my eyes, but the tears kept coming.
"I feel lost, Emma. I feel like life just got really hard and I don't know what to do anymore. Clayton is so angry and it's all about our parents. You know… Mom and Dad… they were never there, and they're gone, just like you. And now what do I do?"
Letting this emotion out was supposed to feel freeing, but it felt crippling. I fell forward to my hands and knees and sobbed. Like if I tried hard enough, I could reach my family that I’d lost and bring them back. Other than the one man trying to destroy me, I had no family here, no blood.
"It's so hard, Emma. You were my best friend. You always knew what to say to help me, and now…"
Pausing, I sat back and used both hands to scrub down my face. Veda had slipped out of my office sometime after Penny started talking to me, when Robert came in to make sure I didn't haveplans to go get plastered. I looked for her but she'd gone for the day, and after using her as my emotional catharsis tool I didn't want to bother her again.
I wound up here, reaching for anything to give me hope but all I was finding was more torment.
"I met someone," I said softly. "Emma, you'd love her… Veda is so strong and bold, just like you. And she is so funny and smart. Beautiful… You'd be jealous of that," I said, smiling, but knowing it was true. "And I love her… And I want to be with her, and I'm scared I'm going to mess it up."
Sucking in a deep breath, I sighed and dried more of my tears as I felt the first droplets of rain pepper my face.
"I'm gonna marry her, Emma. I'm ready to move on, and I know it's what you'd want…." Saying those words out loud felt freeing. Like admitting that letting go of the past physically broke the tether to it so my heart could feel less restless about it. It didn’t remove my love for my late wife, nor did it stop the ache of missing her.
It was more like giving myself permission to breathe again.
And that breath was finally refreshing.
I stood as the rain started to pick up to a light sprinkle. "I will always love you…" I whispered to the breeze that carried my words away. Wherever Emma was, I hoped that she was at peace now, more so than I was, because life was a constant upheaval for me. But when I was with Veda I felt more stable. That revelation alone confirmed in my heart what I had to do.
