19
ASHER
I lay awake long before Veda stirred just watching her sleeping. She was beautiful in so many ways and I was only beginning to see half of them. I felt like the luckiest man alive at times, and at other times I felt like a man at risk of losing it all. It left me with only one option left: to be grateful for every single second of this life before it was gone.
Somewhere around the seven o'clock hour Veda rolled over and her arm smacked me across the chest. Her eyes popped open abruptly, darting around for a second before settling on my face. Then a smile crossed her lips and she pulled in close to me.
"Good morning," I said against her skin, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"Morning," she mewled before yawning. Her breath dusted my face but even that was pleasant, despite being slightly sour. Just waking up with her felt like a miracle.
"Want me to make you breakfast?" I held her against my naked body and enjoyed every inch of her perfect skin pressed on me.
"Nah…. God I'm so exhausted…" She buried her face in my chest, so I cradled her. Last night when she kissed me in front of that entire restaurant full of people it vanquished every trace of the fear I had that she thought I was too old for her. Then that little act she put on last night only made me like her more. She was a minx, a little vixen with all this energy and pep, and at just twenty-six she had her whole life ahead of her, but she wanted me.
So thankful…
"Well how about we have an easy day. We can get breakfast at a diner, go see a matinee, or this orchard is opening soon. We could drive out to?—"
"Asher, please…" Veda's voice was almost a whine. "I'm just tired. I just want to sleep some more. Is that okay?"
Her rebuff wasn't rude or callous, but I did feel slightly stilted. I let my hand roam down over the curve of her body until it rested on her hip, then I circled her butt cheek once and grabbed it. "I could tire you out a bit more, help you rest better."
"Mmm," came her moan, but it wasn't a moan of pleasure. "Tired," she said again, and I was starting to get the point. Ms. Porter was not a morning person.
"Alright," I told her, starting to pry myself away from her. "I'll go to a meeting this morning." She shrank back and pulled my pillow into her chest as I covered her back up and stood. "But how about dinner? We can go to that Italian bistro around the corner from the coffee shop on Third. You talked about wanting to try their bread."
Veda's eyes opened lazily and she pushed her hair out of her face. "I have girls’ night with Regan. We're doing karaoke at aladies’ club in Brooklyn. I'm sorry." When her bottom lip pouted out, I knew she wasn't joking.
My entire plan for the day involved spending time with her, and without her to keep me busy I didn't have much else to do. I didn’t know who I was at times now. I'd spent the past two years drinking myself stupid. Most weekends I spent sleeping a lot or drinking more while trying to catch up on work. I could do a meeting, but there were only so many meetings a man could go to before he realized he had no life.
"Of course," I told her, and she let her eyes shut again.
I stood there staring at her for a second not sure what to do. Robert had mentioned a church a bit closer to me hosted meetings on Saturday mornings, and I had thought about going last weekend but didn't. That would give me something to do this morning, but the rest of my day was apparently wide open.
So I dressed slowly, careful to be quiet and not wake her, but the longer she lay in that bed trying to get back to sleep, the more nervous I became. Things just didn't sit right between us, and they hadn't been feeling right since I got back from rehab.
At times, I figured it was because I had changed. I wasn’t the drunk, angry, obsessive fool anymore, but those things should've made me more attractive, not less. And sure, I was less outgoing when not drunk, but I tried to compensate by being more gentle and loving.
But I wasn't the only one who was different. Veda seemed to clam up when I told her I loved her. Maybe I was moving too fast, but I did tell her she didn’t have to reciprocate that sentiment yet. And at dinner last night, she was awkward,talking about work instead of loosening up and being personal with me.
Then last night, I could've sworn I heard her crying in the bathroom. I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion before she came back and the room was dark, but she was on her phone again. It made me think of that night in her apartment when I'd seen that my brother had messaged her. Then I thought of how handsy Clayton was in the hallway after that meeting, and it left me feeling exposed and insecure.
Clayton had told me she was keeping a secret and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Clayton had gotten more hostile with me. It ate away at me as I put on socks, buttoned my shirt. If Veda was hiding things, there could be a record of it on her phone, but snooping in her phone felt like a foolish and sleazy thing to do to her. It was wrong and I knew I should just ask her.
Trust was the cornerstone of every relationship and I had to just trust that if something was happening and she wasn’t telling me, she had a good reason for it. That didn't make it any easier to deal with however, and I found myself getting my own phone as I settled in with a cup of coffee at the bar to call Robert for some encouragement.
The phone rang a few times and I thought it would go to voicemail, but Robert picked up on the fourth ring.
"Asher, what's up?" he sounded a bit groggy and only then did I realize how early it was still.
"Sorry for waking you. I just needed a friend…"
Robert yawned and said, "No problem. My alarm was going to go off in a few minutes anyway. What's up?"
As my sponsor, Robert was supposed to be here to encourage me and talk to me about my personal life, but it felt a bit intimidating to open up to him considering he was also a board member at my company. But I had no choice. After Emma's death, I had pushed away all of my friends. I was too hurt and depressed to deal with folks. But now was when I needed them most.
"It's just… Things are strained between me and Veda. I just don't know how to handle it well. I'm gonna mess this up, Bob, and I don't want to. I really like her. I know I love her… What do I do?"
