It was simply coincidence that this dinner came right on the heels of my first OB appointment.
When I walked into the restaurant he was waiting too. He sat in a corner booth way in the back with a nervous smile and a dozen roses lying on the table next to the plates. I had the maître d' lead me to the table where Asher stood and waited for me to be seated.
"Hey," I said, feeling a bit awkward and tense. Regan's insistence that I was doing things incorrectly made me feel like a failure, and I hated feeling like a failure. Everything about it had me shaky and sullen.
"Hi," Asher said softly, sitting back down with his hands in his lap. He didn't say much right away as I slipped my coat off and draped it over the chair, then swished my hair behind my back and looked down at the bare table. There were wine glasses, but they were empty, of course. And the roses were beautiful but he didn't offer them to me.
"Are those for me?" I asked, and he tensed and nodded, then picked them up and offered them. Though, I had no other pace to put them than to lay them right back down where he'd picked them up from.
It made my cheeks burn with embarrassment. Things between us were never this awkward, though we'd never had an officialdate. Since he told the board we were dating, it seemed like the natural step, but I was starting to wonder what we had in common other than sizzling chemistry and a strong desire to mate like rabbits.
"Uh…" My brain searched for something to say to make it less stiff at this table, but all I could land on was work. "The Gershwin account is, uh… We're making progress on helping rebrand."
"Good, good…" Asher took his napkin and snapped it out, then draped it over his knee. He didn't make eye contact with me, which was more odd. It was like being sober had changed him and made him quieter and less bold somehow.
All the while my thoughts were consumed with the fear of what he'd say about me being pregnant. Just the slightest brush of my napkin on my belly as I mirrored his action had my mind spiraling again. How could I reveal the pregnancy without also telling him about what his brother asked me to do? He hadn't forced me to agree with him. I did it willingly, and now the natural progression of a relationship was about to be destroyed by a secret that never should have happened.
"The press releases have been incredible lately… better than normal. Is that your doing?" Asher picked up his water and sipped, which I noticed from the corner of my eye, but I didn't look up from my plate where my eyes had finally found a bit of peace. Seeing his handsome face almost brought tears to my eyes because more than anything I wanted him to do well.
He was fighting for sobriety and his brother wanted to destroy him. He needed people on his side, not horrible fake women like me with the opportunity to destroy him for money. It wasn'twhat I wanted at all. I wanted to make him happy, and I had wanted that since the moment I saw the real him.
"Uh, well it's a team effort," I replied. Assuming credit for it would've been correct because I was doing all the proofreading, but Asher's team did support him, just like me. The more I could build that confidence in him, the more likely he would stay stable when Clayton eventually destroyed Asher's confidence in me.
"Good, good…" He sighed, and I swore I saw his shoulders droop. It wasn’t my fault I was so in my head. Regan had really shook me up, that and seeing the baby's heartbeat on that monitor. I felt like a wreck, on the verge of tears and ready to break down.
More than anything else, I wanted to protect him. Me telling him the truth wasn't protection. It was sabotage. And it was that thought that confirmed everything to me. I was in love with Asher Locke, and it was going to bite me hard.
"Is everything alright, Veda?" His question felt like a knife in my chest. Adrenaline shot through my body causing physical pain as I lifted my eyes to look at him. "You're not yourself… and I know I'm a little reserved because I'm internally battling the desire to have a glass of wine with you and…" He paused, waving his hand in the air dismissively. "This isn’t about me. I just want to make sure you're okay."
I looked around the room nervously, seeing smiling faces at every table. Men with adoring partners whose hands were locked together. Women with ears dripping with diamonds whose eyes sparkled with mirth as they looked at their dates. It felt too happy for what I was experiencing.
"Is it because of my age?" Asher asked me. When I looked at his face I saw real concern there.
"God, no, Asher…" His age was the last concern on my mind. I'd thought about what it would be like dating a fifty-something when I was in my thirties, or being with a sixty-something retiree when I was only forty, but no, this wasn't about that. I just couldn’t tell him what it actually was about.
"Then what? Did I do something?" He reached for my hand but as he did, his phone started to ring. It wasn't a quiet little chirp either. It was a loud obnoxious song that persisted until he dug it out of his pocket and glanced at me with a pained look. "Sorry, I have to take this."
Relief swirled in my chest while my head dipped again. A glass of wine would really have been amazing right now, but there were too many reasons it was a horrible idea. Besides growing a baby in my body, if I got drunk I'd get emotional and everything would spill and then I'd lose him.
Again it felt like a knife in my heart. The idea of losing him made me want to cry, or vomit, or both. I wrestled with that as I eavesdropped on Asher's call. It sounded like a friend needing help and my hopes for pushing past this awkward hump we were stuck on this evening were dwindling.
When he ended the call it came with an expression of discouragement. "I'm so sorry, baby, but a friend needs my help. Would it be okay if I get a raincheck on dinner?"
My shoulders sagged. I didn't want him to leave but I also didn't want to be a controlling nag who didn't let him show up for his friends. He must've read it right away because he continued.
"It's Mike from AA. He's struggling and thinking of drinking. I want to help him." Asher reached for me again and this time I let him take my hand.
"Of course, you should go… I just hoped we'd have a bit of time tonight." My plastic smile was painful. More than "time" tonight, I wanted his arms around me because it always made me feel better.
"Then you stay, have dinner and enjoy it. I'll leave my card with the waiter and when you're done, I'll have a car waiting for you. It'll bring you to my place and as soon as I get home we can have that time." He rose, pressing a kiss to my forehead, then lingered. I turned my chin upward, letting him capture my lips so he'd see it had nothing to do with me being seen with a man his age, and he smiled at me.
"That's my girl…"
"Hey," I whispered, and he stayed close. "I'm proud of you. Go help your friend." This time my smile was genuine.
And then Asher was gone and I was left sitting at the table thinking about just how right Regan was.
I could not keep living with this secret. It'd only been a week of keeping it from Asher and I was cracking. What would happen when Clayton found out and I had no choice to tell him?
