This is not making up.
This is not even fucking, I think.
It’s more like an exorcism. Banishing our pain. Discarding grief. Expelling the regret.
When we both cry out, falling over the precipice together in a raw, unscripted mess of sweat, bodies, and pent-up need, I know that the effect will be tragically short-lived.
Xander gathers me closer, holding me in his arms,his cock still pulsing inside me. And then the high comes crushing down, and I start crying.
Because I will never get to open another Zinfandel with my dad.
Because there won’t be birthdays we celebrate together.
Because he will never see what became of his bistro.
Because I will never go to visit him again.
Because my dad is gone, and even though I’m not a child anymore, I feel like an orphan.
So lonely.
So fucking lonely.
Xander strokes my hair gently for I don’t know how long, but when my weary mind registers the feather-like, comforting touch, I realize I’ve just used this man.
I push to sit up, raising my hips, disconnecting our bodies, hoping we can dislodge our hearts as easily.
“Coraline,” he rasps, but I don’t look at him.
I climb over to my side, and he lets me. The loss of him is visceral, but I can’t let my grief and hormones dictate the situation.
I shimmy my skirt down. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t—” His broken voice is a direct hit to my chest.
“This was a mistake… We shouldn’t have done this.” I chance a look at him, and the agony spreads from my chest to my entire body.
What have I done?
Xander’s jaw is tight. He doesn’t move to tuck himself in. He is still leaning back on his tilted seat, watching me. His eyes hooded, his expression wounded, there is softness to him.
Adoration.
Devotion.
Love.
Jesus, I made things worse. I gave him hope.
I wish things were different. I wish I could trust that he would not manipulate me. I wish I could trust him.
“Xander, I don’t know what I feel right now. I’m grieving. I’m so sorry.”
He reaches to stroke my cheek. “It’s okay, Coraline.”
“I shouldn’t have used you.”
“You can use me anytime, love. I’m here for you for the rest of our lives. Anytime you need this or anything else, I’m here for you. And maybe one day, you will allow me to be more. I’m not going anywhere.”
