A warm hand squeezes my shoulder. It must be Saar, Celeste, or Lily who flew from London for this. They sit in the row behind me, their support the only lifeline I’ve had in the last few months.
I divorced Xander. I couldn’t forgive him for all themanipulation and exploitation. When I cry myself to sleep, which has been my usual way these days, I regret it.
Forgiving him seemed like capitulation.
Like giving up on myself.
Like letting him win at his shady game.
Forgiving him felt like betraying myself.
Like cementing our relationship on an unequal foundation.
And letting him rule me.
When I signed those divorce papers, something died inside me. Something vital—a piece of me I didn’t even know I had. And I had buried a man before.
Stubbornly, I believed time would heal the wound. Tough shit. Don’t they say that broken people survive better because they’ve done it before?
Well, not in my case. With Xander, without realizing it fully, I lost more than I could ever replace.
It pisses me off. This stupid dependency. But when I close my eyes, I know it’s love. I love the man, and based on his recent actions, he still loves me back.
He might have acted on the feeling in his deplorable, manipulating way—no one ever showed him differently—but I know he loves me.
And that’s the core of the problem. Just because someone betrays you, you don’t stop loving them.
Tessa stumbles from the podium and collapses beside me.
I look at Dad’s photo and the bottle of Zinfandel I left there instead of flowers, and suddenly, I realize I can’t watch his coffin disappear.
I want to remember the smiling, happy dad from the photograph.
I can’t breathe.
I need to get out of here.
“I have to go. Sorry,” I tell Tessa and stand up.
Dad’s brother looks at me, surprised—I didn’t even realize he was giving his eulogy. I glance at the photograph one last time, hoping to forever remember that smile, and I rush outside.
My heels echo obscenely as people murmur.
I push the heavy door open and step outside, and almost slip. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Mother Nature got the message. While we were inside, the sky darkened, and it started raining.
I rub my arms, huddled under the awning. I should call a cab. I’m not even sure where I’d go, but I can’t bury another significant man in my life.
Tessa will understand. She will take care of everything. She will be upset, and remind me of my inappropriate actions for the rest of our lives, but I’m puttingmyself first.
I’m not doing what everyone expects of me anymore. Fuck that.
The hinges creak, and the door closes with a thud again. A large black umbrella snaps open above me.
My knees buckle. I don’t have to look to know who is shielding me from the rain. I recognize the subtle masculine scent, the softness of his coat, the warmth of his body.
And I’m too tired to fight it at the moment.
