“And you lost me anyway.”
Chapter 31
Xander
It’s been two months since we signed the divorce papers.
Two months since my life shattered.
Two months of plowing through the days without purpose.
Lottie said it would get better over time. So far, it’s only getting worse.
Cora moved out. I’m staying at the townhouse that, for a brief period, was the happiest home.
I’m staying here, hoping.
Hoping she will come back. Hoping I will figure out how to win her over. Hoping this is just a nightmare I will wake up from.
Instead, the nightmare deepens every time I tumble out of my bed after a sleepless night, feeling shittier than ever.
This morning seems particularly shitty. I’m not even sure why.
The heart is a fucked-up organ. I was smart not to have involved it before. Too late for that now. I hate how hopeless I feel.
I hate how much I miss her.
I hate that I let things go this far.
I hate myself.
They reopened the bistro. Tessa invited me as the investor. And then she eloquently suggested to her former brother-in-law that I shouldn’t spoil the party by showing up.
I put on an old T-shirt—by the smell of it, I must have worn it a few times already—and a pair of sweats.
Downstairs, I do my usual routine, which includes glaring at the dried, withered sunflowers that are probably a health hazard by now, but which I can’t throw out. Like anything she left behind.
It reminds me of what I lost, and I’m the fucker who enjoys the torture.
I walk to work, dressed like a delivery boy instead of a partner, not interested in any of my cars.
The walk is probably the only healthy thing I’ve done in the last eight weeks. I’m only wearing a light jacket, and yes, the remains of my logical brain recognize I will soon get pneumonia because the winter is viciously camping around Manhattan.
I just couldn’t care less.
I’m not even walking to clear my head—such a state has left with my wife. I’m walking because I fucking hope I’ll run into her.
Yep, pathetic much? Absolutely.
Hopeless much? Definitely.
Still obsessed with my wife? Obviously.
And in love. So in love with her.
I get out of the elevator at Merged. For some reason I’ve been showing up, even though I haven’t been working. Not really.
The work has no appeal. It doesn’t spark something. It’s not even about losing Cora. It’s that she showed me there is more to life than work, and now I’m revisiting my future.
